Yarn Shopping

I'm about to start knitting a cute little top. It has beaded trim around the edges. I just came from the yarn store. The one little skein of yarn that I'm using to make the trim costs more than I would want to pay for a cute little top. Ah well. I'm paying for the joy of making the cute little top, in the color I like, in my measurements. So there. Pffft!

Dude, either hire me or cut it out.

Okay, this is getting to be too much now. In Craig Ferguson's monologue last night, he did a comedic sexy voice saying "Have another piece of cake. It's delicious. Have some more carrot cake with the forbidden icing." Carrot cake for goodness sakes! I've written entire dialogues about carrot cake! Now of course, I do it waaaaaaaaay better, but still! If he's going to use my stuff, he needs to learn to do it right. The night before, he was talking about naughty librarians! I wonder if someone on his staff reads JT. Haha, right. No, it's my brainwaves. They infiltrate. I'll have to wear one of those aluminum foil hats to keep them where they belong. I bet that would go over well at a pitch meeting. At least I'd look like many of the other people in Los Angeles. Perfectly normal.

I Looked in the Box

Yup, there's gobos in there alright, and they aren't in Las Vegas. I'm just not going to think about it. They will leave my car the same way they got in, and that's that. (Even though my kids want to play with them.)

Who am I Kidding?

Every day I think that it would be nice if I were asleep by midnight. Yeah, right. That only happens if I can't keep my eyes open. Otherwise, I'm busy. Today I thought "yep, midnight tonight". Nope. I have stuff to write, laundry to do, and while both of those are going on, I'm gonna catch me some Robot Chicken on the TIVO. It's reSEARCH.

Weird Day

Yesterday I noticed a mysterious box in the back of my car. It is labeled "Hairspray Las Vegas Gobos". That's probably not good.

On the other hand, I caught a ball with my cleavage. My 3yo found it quite entertaining.

My Child is Crazy, but in a Good Way

My five-year-old is writing a book. It's about a guy who gets hit by lightning. It's a direct hit. All that's left is a scorch mark on the ground. His loved ones naturally assume that he was vaporized, but in reality, the lightning teleported him. So he's in the McDonald's in the next town, confused, and he's trying to get someone to pick him up, but they don't understand because they think he's dead. They think that "McDonald's in Milford" is the name of the place where dead people go. They figure it's a ghostly phone call from beyond the grave and just don't know what to make of it.

The illustrations are so adorable and hilarious.

There is but one punishment for setting alight the mando-shaped beacon...

Yes, that is my mandolin, shining atop Castle Anthrax. This is what I get for using Zoot as a screen name. Musicians are quite silly.

Happy Billy-Bob Everyone!

Once I dreamed that Thursday was changed to Billy-Bob. The rest of the days of the week were called the same thing that they are now, it's just Thursday that was changed. So I told some of my friends about that dream and they started using it. We'd have emails that said things like "Are you free for dinner on Tuesday? If not, I can do Billy-Bob too." It was weird. They got over it eventually. Every once in a while it creeps up on me though, so happy Billy-Bob.

They're Conspiring

This was a special goof that I did a while ago for Shannon, but I figured I might as well stick it here:

DENNIS: Okay, so you take down the big guy and I'll take the other one.

CRAIG: Why do I have to get the big guy?

DENNIS: You want the short chick, right?

CRAIG: Yeah.

DENNIS: Well guess which one she's married to.

CRAIG: Fuck!

DENNIS: Heh. Sucker.

CRAIG: You know, that other guy looks pretty big too. Especially compared to your skinny ass.

DENNIS: Yeah? You think you can take my skinny ass?

CRAIG: Yeah, I do. HEY! They're getting away! SHIT!

DENNIS: GODDAMMIT! HEY! HOT TAP DANCING CHICK! COME BACK!

CRAIG: Well, now what're we gonna do?

DENNIS: Okay, don't panic. Here's plan B. I come back on the show and you have Naked Week.

CRAIG: Ooh yeah, that'll get their attention. (rubs hands with evil glee)

I Give Up

Quite a while ago, as in six months to a year, (can't remember) I bought a carbon fiber bow. I have not yet gotten to try it out. It's reconditioned, so I don't know if it's got new hair or it was just cleaned, but in any case, it is completely clean, and I have spent an hour and a half trying to put rosin on it, and I still can't get any sound out of it. I only wanted to practice for a half hour or so. I have to get up relatively early tomorrow to get my kids where they need to be on time, otherwise I would stay up and conquer the damn thing! I remember going through this with my old bow. Grrrrr. Frustrating. On the plus side, Grandpa's mando sounds great.

Today's Meaningless Chatter

There are few activities (barring medical situations) that I find more unpleasant than changing strings. Mandolins have twice as many strings as fiddles. Yippee. So far, nothing has snapped and given me a major gash, but I do have two small cuts and some dents in my fingers. I think a little WD-40 might help. These are old pegs. At least they don't wind to the inside of the instrument. I have to say, whoever designed violins like that was just plain deranged. Well, four strings on, four to go. Then commence tuning. Ugh.

And my favorite conversation of the day-

3yo: Mom, are you going to die?
Me: Not at the moment.
3yo: When are you going to die?
Me: I don't know. Why?
3yo: Well, you're fat. You could die.
Me: I'm not fat.
3yo: You look fat.
Me: Gee thanks.
9yo: She's not fat, she just needs a better bra.
5yo: Yeah. She has big boobies, that's all. They make her look fat.

I just can't win today.

LOL!

Check this out. Not for the article, but for the picture that goes with it. I wonder if the person who put it up had any idea what he or she was looking at. I'm sure the photographer did. I'm starting to think I'd like L.A. It has its own charm.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18969221/

My Latest Joy

Why I Have a Harem

Because I know that at any given time, at least one of them will make me smile. I've been grumping around for the past day or two because of my aunt, who really needs to be smacked, but it wouldn't do any good because she's living in another dimension. Let's just say that it involves my grandfather's mandolin, a large sum of money, and me trying to function at an ungodly hour of the morning. Not a good thing, except that I'm FINALLY getting my grandfather's mandolin. So what did I find today? Check it people... I am NEVAH giving up the harem.

Cue the Bad 70's Music

I recently decided to check out another branch of our city's public library. I was a bit surprised when I walked in. The other libraries we go to are staffed with the usual ladies in sensible shoes, but this one was staffed by attractive young men. I wasn't sure if there was a hidden camera somewhere, maybe. One hottie in jeans leaned his nice biceps on the counter and asked "Hi, can I help you with something?" I wish I had been there with Bert or Jenda. They could have given him a much better answer than "Yes, would you please direct me to the children's section?" Not that I wasn't thinking it.

It's in the Genes

We were at the beach today, and my three-year-old son gave me a reminder that yep, he's my kid. He had found a rock that he liked and wanted to show me. Most kids his age would say "Ooh look! Pretty rock!", but not him. He said "Look mama! I found a piece of granite! It has a lot of mica! You can see it sparkling!" (he was correct, by the way) This was followed by him panicking because he couldn't find his sunglasses. He was very relieved when I informed him that he was wearing them.
He gets the smarts from both sides. The rest, well...I've given up being embarrassed. Life's too short and too busy. Hmm...too short, too busy, REMIND YOU OF ANYONE???? Hee hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Amused Horror

Today I saw a guy who looked just like Dirk Weems! There is nothing more to say. I'm still astounded. And somewhat blind. Oh my poor children.

Medical Entertainment

No, I don't mean CBS's new show Ghost Chimp M.D., I mean we were at the dermatologist yesterday and my daughter and I both were in hysterics over an ad for Botox. I was laughing because of the before and after pictures. The before one has a woman scrunching up her face and looking really angry. The after one has her looking normal and smiling a bit, though I'm guessing Botox doesn't let you smile much. Maybe she should just not scrunch up her face! My daughter was laughing because she thinks "Botox" sounds too close to "buttocks" and can't believe someone named their company that. Now I want a company named Buttocks.

She's a Natural

There are few things cuter than my 5yo daughter learning Samurai sword technique. It really beats the tutu thing, no contest!

I Frickin' Love the Internet!

Because where else would I have found this? And this?

It returns your lips to near-virgin condition!

The Shoes of Mirth!

Happy Mothers' Day. zzzzzzz...

There are days when I just never wake up. I think this is going to be one of them. It's 3:30 and I've done basically nothing. I haven't even dressed the little man yet. I hope I wake up enough to drive. I'm thinking that my children want to take me out to dinner tonight. Yeah. Yeah, they do. It would certainly be better than a plate-o-tatertots.

The Dangerous Power of Television

The Late Late Show insulted shrimp by excluding them from crab week. In retaliation, they attacked Craig Ferguson. First Craig, now the world, apparently. I'm so glad my medically complicated kid didn't eat the shrimp last night. I think they need to hire a new writer (Hint Hint) to help fix this crisis. Meanwhile, avoid the killer shrimp!

My life, my job, my curse, is to find shoes

I went shopping yesterday and today. Shopping can either be a triumph or a disaster. It was a little of both, but mostly good. All the kids have their summer shoes, FINALLY, after going to a million stores. I didn't do so well. Nothing yesterday, but I did find my very favorite nail polish ever, which I will probably use tonight. It's kind of the color of a blood clot. I find that a good pedicure really helps a writer. At least this writer.

Today I went to a store that had more than one pair of shoes that I actually wanted. I was so excited. So I asked for both in a 7 1/2. One was a size too big, one a size too small. Nice. Both 7 /12. Both the last pair. So I got the ones that were too big because I couldn't stop myself. They're black, slip-on sneakers with white, rubber toes and they have purple, white, and grey skulls all over them. That's right purple. Bonus- the skulls' eye sockets are heart-shaped. It's like they were designed for me. Except in the wrong frickin' size. My hips and back will punish me for this. Maybe that will force me back into my yoga. I also found the lip gloss of my dreams there for $1.29, so it's all good.

Now I need to reformulate my plan. I must obtain more shoes, but where? Hmmm...

Just Some Stuff

So the man is off and running again, and right on cue the little one has a runny nose and fever. I don't even question it anymore.

Is there anyone who isn't aware that tainted gluten has been used in regular human food? I mean, just because the FDA has been avoiding coming right out and saying it, and is taking little tiny baby steps towards admitting it, doesn't mean we just fell of the turnip truck. Gluten is gluten. Why would only certain types of companies buy from a cheap source? Duh.

Oh, and I think I found the solution to the Mystery of the Disappearing Forks. We had like service for 20 or something, and now we have four. The spoons and knives are still around. I figured out that it must be the paper plates. No, they're not eating the forks. I think the forks have gotten tossed in the garbage with the plates. Well, at least the kids are making an effort to be helpful and responsible. Now if only they weren't so spacey like their mommy. We got some new forks from IKEA, but they're cheap cafeteria forks and I just can't make myself put them in the fork compartment with the others. I put them off to the side with the oddball stuff. I really need to get over the fork anxiety.

Warning! Strong and Ranty Opinion Ahead!

I absolutely HATE the word "homeschooling". It implies that we sit at the table with the kids' noses in textbooks, parents in front of the chalkboard. Ugh. Bleah. No. My children are not schooled, and education does not happen by sitting within four walls, particularly the same ones all day, every day. If I believed in either of those things, I'd just send my kids to school! I much prefer the term "independently educated".

As for the people who wonder how I can possibly know if my children are learning what they should, well, if you can't tell who is educated and who is not, it probably says a lot more about you than about them. I wonder what "should" means too. I assume they mean what the government has decided they should learn, and when and how. Ah yes. We know how efficient the government is, especially when it comes to agencies and institutions. Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Let's put the government in charge of our kids' learning! Yeah! Jeez Louise. I honestly don't know what a kid of a particular age is governmentally determined to be taught. I know that my kids learn as much as they possibly can. They don't stop, They just keep going. They learn to their potential. You can't do better than that, so why do I need to know what our really crappy local school district thinks? I don't. For the record, I come from a family of public school educators who fully stand by my educating of my children. One was paid a lot of money as a special consultant to completely revamp a district's curriculum based on her observations of how my children learn as opposed to how traditionally schooled children learn. She didn't just revamp it, she threw it out and invented a whole new one.

Public education was concieved as a last resort for people who had no other choice. That's how it was intended to be used. That's fine. I agree that it should be there. I think it's utterly ridiculous that those of us who would actually use it that way are looked at as if we have three heads! Would I send my children to private school if I had the money? Maybe. It depends on the school. Most private schools are simply cushy versions of the public education model. Again, if I wanted my kids to sit in front of a chalkboard within the same building all day every day, I could do it for free in a public school.

I don't teach my kids much at all. They learn a ton. You can't stop a kid from learning. You can hold him back, or crush his love of learning, but you can't stop him. You can encourage and facilitate learning, but you don't cause it. It would almost be hubris to think so. I can only shake my head at the suggestion. For me, the proof of the pudding is in the tasting. When a woman in a museum points to your child, and comments to her companion that she can't believe they paid seven bucks apiece for their guided audio tour when they could just follow "that kid" for free because she "knows way more than this crappy museum guide", there's nothing left to say.

They Have to Hire Me Now

Because I've come up with the most fabulous idea they've ever had on television. I think that Hugh needs to be a guest on the LLS, and it should be Naked Week. Or they can just tell him it is. Whichever. Craig's considering it. He has to drop trou too. I would be happy to bake him a pie for his troubles.

A Short Craigspam, for Medicinal Purposes

Lost My Mojo

I can't get anything done. Nothing! The past two weeks have been worthless for me, other than dealing with my daughter's latest health crisis, which is a constant thing. No writing, no good cooking, no social life, no nothing. I feel stoned with or without my meds, except with them I have a slight headache and lean to the left. Being neurologically flavorful is no fun.

I have stuff to write, but can't get it together. Not at JT, not at the Acoustic Cafe. I made several attempts at knitting socks this month (a hint of foreboding) which all resulted in a ball of yarn that has been frogged five or six times and now has bad knitting juju. I put that aside for some cotton. I figured how complicated could a washcloth be? Argh. Mind you, I recently finished an aran sweater for my son. That's no small task. I should be able to knit a frickin' square with pretties in it. It's just not there for me right now. I don't know what to make of it.

I've kinda been running with scissors lately. Maybe this is the universal "you'll put someone's eye out" slowdown. Maybe I can't force my brain, but I'm still trying to force my fingers. Meanwhile, I can't even speak English. At least my kids have a clue what I'm saying and are used to me. Oh, and guess who is headed back to L.A. for "three weeks", which really means four, five, six, who knows?

Here I Sit

Not packing for our trip to PA tomorrow. All the clothes are packed, but I have to do meds and toiletries, which I can't do until after we're done using them in the morning, but still, I'm sure there's something I could be doing, like packing my purse/diaper bag. That's besides dishes and laundry. I might just knit and go to bed and then get up early. I'll move the laundry over, but I hold out no great hope for the dishes.

Meanwhile, I'm pondering the experience I had earlier this week. Never before have I heard death metal played on a digeridoo. My kidneys are still shaking.

I'm an Idiot.

So my special project commences tonight. I'm fairly confident about my work on it. The only thing that could blow it would be nerves. So guess what? I'm very nervous about being very nervous. I need to be smacked in the head.

"Special" Parenting Moment

This morning I was explaining to my daughter why it's important to be able to write well, and how it can make a difference between who gets chosen for a particular job, grant, school, etc. My 5yo chimed in.

5yo: Do you need to write to get a job picking up litter?

ME: No.

5yo: YAY!

I'm so done with this damned stomach virus! Let's see who's tougher against raw garlic! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, don't mess with me because I get crazy! Meanwhile, enjoy this lovely bit of juvenile humor:

I Just Don't Understand!

Why oh why is puking such a popular pastime with my children? WHY???

And why does a drug that is like cocaine to most people put me right to sleep? I'm so frustrated right now, you wouldn't believe. I'm forcing myself to be awake in case I have to hold a bucket under my 3yo's chin.

HAPPY SPRING!

Although my yard is still a tundra, happy first day of spring! We colored eggs today. Although I made a point of staying out of the kitchen while they were boiling, my daughter told me they were peeping again. LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!

We made really good bread nests too. I managed to save some for the Man of the House. I suppose tomorrow we'll go to the park for our annual egg chucking fest. I wish I had some Peeps.

BEST! SIDE-EFFECTS! EVER!!!!!!!!

I was reading Newsweek yesterday and I came across an advertisement for a drug that I can't remember the name of. It's for restless leg syndrome. Anyway, I was reading the side-effects (for amusement) and check it people- hypersexuality and compulsive gambling! I'm not kidding! Well, it will keep their legs from being restless as they cruise the casinos with hookers all night.

My Crazy Life

I just found my car on Consumer Reports "used cars to avoid" list. Yay for me! I'm also so PMS paranoid that I added brownie mix to my grocery order, even though I know I have a box in the pantry. I'm afraid it might not be enough.

But not to worry! I recieved in the mail, the answer to all my problems! That's right, you guessed correctly. I recieved a paper drawing of a hankerchief. It is annointed and blessed! Yes it's a BIBLE hankerchief! All I have to do is write on it the exact amount of money I would like to recieve or the exact amount of brownie mix if I like, put it under my bed with the SPECIAL SEALED PROPHECY that it came with, and the next day, mail it back. WTF? The insane writing all over the envelope was most entertaining.

We are NOT Amused!

A particular harem boy is in deep doodoo tonight. The previous post was just part of a bit that I wrote about the Lichtenstein/Switzerland thing. Yes, I mentioned the terrifying swiss army knives.

GUESS WHAT SAID HAREM BOY/LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST DID IN HIS MONOLOGUE?!!!!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! My children heard me howl. This is not the first time, either.

Look, harem boy, you either need to get the hell out of my brain or give me a job! Mistress is not pleased. Not pleased at all. You get to clean out the gutters now. Grrrrr.

WW III Narrowly Avoided

Switzerland recently invaded Lichtenstein by accident. They got about 2 km in before they realized it and turned around. Lichtenstein is TINY. I’m surprised that at 2 km, they hadn’t already crossed it! It’s barely noticeable.
“Um…”
“What?”
“I think we just stepped in Lichtenstein.”
“Eew!”
“No, it’s okay, it’s a country!”

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

Brought to you by Bruce Springsteen:

"Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims and strap your hands 'cross my engines"

Yeah. 'Nuff said.

I Crack Myself Up...

But I'm not going to tell you why because somehow I don't think you'll be laughing with me. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Feeling Better Today

But not quite better enough. Hmmm. What could cheer me up?

Wolverbutt!!!!!

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Shitteriffic Day

I guess there's not much more I need to add to that. Except FUCKIN' IPOD!!!!!

Speaks for Itself

Just Stuff

Last night I dreamed that I was at some kind of meeting and hadn't had breakfast. Someone kindly gave me a coffee. It was Starbucks. I spent the rest of my dream debating whether or not to drink it. I think that's because I have a stomach virus. Starbucks is pretty much the same thing, but without the chills and body ache.

And on an unrelated note, just a small peeve. Heather Mills didn't lose her leg in a motorcycle accident. That implies that she was riding one and crashed. No, she got hit by one when she was crossing the street. Maybe no big deal to anyone else, but different enough to me to be annoying.

Special Project

I'm working on one and it's moving along nicely, apart from it being literally freezing in the room where I mostly need to work on it. Some people don't believe I'm doing it, I'm sure. Some think I'm crazy (which would help anyway), but mostly people think it's great. Not sure what my husband thinks. He might not want to tell me. Anyway, I'm filled with squee over it and I'm not telling you what it is. Heh. Just that I need a babysitter and a pair of brass ovaries.

Things I Don't Really Need to Know About

I went through the drive-thru and the girl there had her tongue pierced. Whatever, no big deal, perfectly usual, except that attached to the stud was a chain with a ring on the end. It just hung out of her mouth and flopped around when she talked. WTF????? It doesn't look terribly decorative and I can't imagine what social statement it could possibly make other than "Duh", but I was trying not to gag. I mean, how could you not gag with that on? And wouldn't you drool a lot and it would all drip down the chain? This must be an incredible show of self-control or of deadened nerves. I'm going with number two.

And on the way home, I passed a salon that had a sign out front advertising "brow threading". What the hell is that?????? No, please don't tell me. Please. I don't want to know.

A Phrase That Should Not Exist

"Three-year-old, white boy hip-hop" and it sounds something like this:

My name iss
My name iss
Da woof is on fayuh!

I just don't know.

Breakfast OOPS

Do not take ritalin with twenty ounces of hot chocolate that is made with real dark chocolate. Not the usual sugary drek. REAL stuff. Full of bromides and caffeine. My stomach is vibrating now. I hope I don't gak. I bet the ritalin didn't even matter. I take a baby dose anyway. But I don't normally have caffeine. Bleah.

You Tube is Annoying Me

It seems to be tag-teaming with tne new Blogger to not let me post videos anymore even thought I changed to the appropriate info. Well, I'm trying a way around it and here goes, because you deserve to share in this classic moment of humiliation.

I've Discovered My Superpower

Really, I have. It always seemed normal to me so I never noticed it, but now I realize that I have never seen another human be able to do it. I have the uncanny ability to pour stuff into bottles without using a funnel and not making a mess. Really, I'm not kidding. Please don't hate and fear me. I'm just like you in every other respect. (assuming you are small and cranky and have big boobies)

Public Service Announcement

Fruit pie is breakfast food, not dessert. Have a nice day.

Special Moments in a Relationship

You know when you're dreaming that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you (or otherwise being an ass) and you wake up and you smack him? Ha. Then you're mad at him for the rest of the day. My poor husband has been suffering for dream husband's actions for twenty years now, bless him. Not funny, yet I can't stop laughing at it. I'm just terrible, aren't I?

Just Wondering

You know how there's always a class clown? I wonder how that works at Ringling Bros. Clown College?

Overheard this snippet of conversation...

...between two of my harem boys and I am TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP! They really said this:

CRAIG: Zombies like to eat human flesh.
JAMES: Who doesn't?

They just make me wonder sometimes. They might require more supervision.

Fifteen Seconds

Freakin' Blogger has changed to some Google thingie and now YouTube won't post videos for me. Anyway, here's a link for you.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pX5gRaxcviE

I usually can't SHUT UP for fifteen seconds and now suddenly I don't have a clue what I'd say! (except that it would probably be smilar to his idea.) The results should be interesting.

BLEAH!!!!!

Sudden headaches blow serious chunks! And sometimes they cause me to as well. I hope that doesn't happen because I ate a chili cheese dog for lunch. That would be most unpleasant. So is my head. Can someone please make my kids stop screaming? Thanks.

What I Learned This Christmas

I'm so excited because I discovered that if you have cake for breakfast, you don't need to put sugar in your coffee. It tastes the same. So now I know that sugarless coffee doesn't taste anywhere near as good, but it doesn't taste like gak either. I don't have to be desperate if I'm stranded on a desert island with no sugar for my coffee! That's so great. It's a holiday miracle.

Bloop

I do not know how I'm going to burn off all the festive foods, but I am NOT buying bigger clothes. Hell no. I was trying to get back to my smaller, nicer ones. I just might get myself a video game though, and make the rule that I can only play it standing up. It's an action game, so I might start jumping around like a maniac. X-Men. Yeah.

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by Ambien:

"The monkeys are circling my head. That means it's time to go to sleep."

Happy Solstice!

I hope every day brings a bit more sunshine into your lives. I also hope that whatever holiday you celebrate, it doesn't become the horrific sugarfest that ours did. Odin Claus was good to us. He brought me a tiny Wolverine that you put into a glass of water and it grows to six times its size. It came with tattoos and a little comic book. How does he always know?

Another thing about winter solstice is that it's the day the new "Harry Potter" titles are released. (The books get released at summer solstice) The final book is called "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". That sounds like a condition. "Ugh. I ate McDonald's today and now I have the deathly hallows. Bleah."

Happy winter everyone! Go easy on the cookies. They're deadlier than the nog!

It Just Makes Me Twitchy

Attention all illustrators, animators, advertisers, etc.! Look up! That is a reindeer! It is also known as a caribou. You will find them around the arctic circle. You might know that as the North Pole area. Santa's town.
This is a white tailed deer. It does NOT live in Santa's town. It lives down here with us mortal people, hurling itself at cars. NOT A REINDEER! Now just stop it already, will you?

Holiday Carnage

Monday we are going to slay a tree. Now I don't mind adopting one that's already been murdered, but I feel bad about killing one ourselves. My husband is the executioner, but I have final word on which life gets snuffed out. I feel like Pilate, with my children as the angry mob, and all those trees thinking "not me, not me..." When we cut a fresh one though, it doesn't get crispy right away like the precut ones do, so we opt for that when we can.

My daughter doesn't like trees to be cut down and has asked for a plastic one. I weighed the idea of a plastic tree vs. an eternal black stain on my soul, so we're off to the tree farm! I'm sorry, but plastic- just does not compute. That's like eating Tofurkey on Thanksgiving. It's so wrong that I'm afraid it could tear a hole in the space/time continuum.

Today's "They Don't Write 'Em Like They Used To" Lyrics

Brought to you by the Rolling Stones-

"I tried rewiring her. I tried refiring her. I think her engine is permanently stalled."

Heh. And coincidentally, they also bring us the "What the hell is he saying?" lyrics of the day-

"She was a side of beef sold in a market down in New Orleans"

Woohoo! Nobody Knows It!

Okay, so what songs do you enthusiastically sing when nobody's around? Of course you do, you know you do. Don't lie, I'm psychic and have ears in the back of my head. I know because my kids told me. So gimme your list. I wanna see! Here's my current list, in no particular order:

I Go to Rio
L-O-V-E
Strangers in the Night
Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
And my very favorite (yes I do both parts)...

Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
I couldn't if I tried! Aw honey if I get restless- Baby you're not that kind...

I just can't stop myself!

It's Different for My Species

My 8yo is reading a book about a girl who becomes a knight. My 5yo looked at the picture on the cover and asked if the girl was a child or an adult. My older daughter replied that she was nineteen, but she wouldn't really be all grown up until she was twenty. (oooookay) My little one was confused.

"Mom's EIGHTY and SHE'S not all grown up!" Mmmm hmmmm...

Death by GUUUUUUUUUUUUHH

I just found out that Craig Ferguson owns an Indian. The bike he spilled on was a Harley, and from the description, I'd say that he wasn't riding like an ass, he was riding a model that is very difficult to handle and has that reputation. Don't know why they even make them, other than Wolvie digs them. With this information, he has knocked me dead, right into a puddle of my own drool.

**For legal reasons pertaining to head harem boys and any potential future employment by Worldwide Pants, I did not write this post. It was an impostor. It couldn't have been me, as I am dead. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.**

Post-Holiday Tragedy Narrowly Avoided

CONNECTICUT, USA- A man was almost brutally murdered this morning when his wife was foraging for breakfast in her morning haze and was unable to locate the last piece of pumpkin pie, leading her to believe that he had thrown it out. Just as she began turning into the Incredible Hulk, she found that he had simply shoved it behind a large bag of chicken cutlets and all was well.

When asked to comment, the man, who asked to remain anonymous, replied that he was completely unaware of the danger that had been looming over him at that time, though he has always suspected that such a thing was possible. "For safety's sake, I really should make it a point to put the sippy cup valves in with the holes down so that she doesn't have to dig out dishwasher crap before giving a drink to the baby." He then shuddered.

When his wife was asked to comment, she said "I think I need to relax more".

Shopping Safety Tips!

I was reading on a forum recently and a woman was saying how close she had been to marrying her boyfriend when she got a "sign from above" that saved her from a terrible mistake. She said she had thought he was wonderful, but the gift he gave her for Christmas showed "the real him". Yeah, I think it did, but I'm pretty sure that he was the one who dodged a bullet that day.

See, she expected fancy jewelery or something, but he gave her a roadside emergency kit. She thought that was thoughtless and cold. I see it completely differently. To me that says "I really love you and don't want to lose you, and if I can't be with you to protect you all the time, maybe this can help." Fancy jewelery says to me, "I got it 'cause I figured that's what chicks like." Now, if it were unusual jewelry that was obviously her style and not at all mainstream, I'd imagine some thought went into that and that would be nice. However, if my guy felt the need to get me something shiny and expensive, I'd hope he knew me well enough to realize that that's why She made Harley Davidson.

Guys, give what your heart says to, and if she doesn't like it, find a better woman. Really, women like the one who complained give the rest of us a bad reputation. Then the generalizations start. I hate those. I don't fit most of them and neither do the women I'm close friends with. I have noticed, though, that we have quite lovely men who adore us, while the foofy girls are either still looking or working their way through a chain of losers. Not that I've felt terribly festooned lately...

Hmmmph.

The past couple of weeks have been really awful. Life is kicking my butt and I've been exhausted. It seems to be winding down and looking up now and I've been able to breathe before the next wave hits. To cheer myself, and I think I've earned it, here's a look at my harem boys, past, present, and on the waiting list. No particular order. As usual, Wolvie understands just how I feel and has portrayed it beautifully. Anthony is trying his best to get in, waaving that doughnut at me. He's pretty slick.

Thank Your Lucky Stars

Literally. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have that moon in Cancer, I'd have killed us all by now. It's not that I don't need the temperance with the sun in Leo and a Scorpio ascendant, but it makes for a strange combination sometimes. I'm the warm, nurturing maternal figure who likes to bake muffins and knit things for my loved ones. AND IF ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE THEIR MUFFINS, I WILL RIP THE BASTARD'S THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH!!!!!! Yeah. Raven and her deadly spatula. I only just realized where that came from. Interesting. Makes me a little giggly, actually. I'm so silleh.

Frustrated and Annoyed Snarly Grumble

I'm starting to suspect that Stamps.fuck is closely related to AOHell.

What Hell is Like

This morning I was trying to eat my breakfast but there were five sparrows sitting outside my window, all in a line, looking at me forlornly as the stood next to their empty bird feeder. They just stared at me as I tried to not feel guilty about having warm toast indoors while they fluffed out their feathers for insulation. I felt like I shoud drown myself in my coffee. My only saving thought was that the feeder tray was in the dishwasher being sterilized because Mr. Squirrel had knocked it into a puddle of slime and algae. They now have two full feeders so that I can go guilt-free for the next couple of days. At least they don't cry like cats and dogs do.

Sayin' it Loud and Sayin' it Proud!

I like stinky cheese! And fruitcake! I am not ashamed!

What Famous Leader Am I?

Oh good golly Miss Molly.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well, yeah, but let's just say I use my powers for good instead of evil. Why couldn't they say I'm like Captain America?

A Tribute to Donald Rumsfeld

We hardly knew ye.

Random Crap

I really like butter. It's one of the best foods ever.

My computer hates Comedy Central. Either that or Comedy Central hates my computer. When I go there, it closes my browser. This is strange and mysterious.

My friend, Elisa is evil. She knows it and is proud. Her latest evil deed is to inform me of a chocolate cafe near her, which is over an hour away from me, but I will go there and overindulge with her. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that I will have to go there repeatedly. She is very evil.

I have a terrible craving for California rolls. Dangit. Fortunately, there is an Asian market near me. Alas, Peapod does not have nori. I'll have to mention it. My husband works in Midtown Manhattan. There is nothing he can't get. Yet my cravings frequently go unchecked. That's wronger than wrong. If I recall, it was part of our ceremonial vows. "I will swing by The Little Pie Company, Neuhaus, or any other purveyors that might provide for your gastronomic needs for as long as I shall work in Manhattan." "You may now french the daylights out of the bride."

Knitting Makes You Fat?

Somebody said that. They said it's because it's a sedentary activity. Now, I suppose that if you have stopped all your marathon running and lap swimming to sit and knit, that could be so, but for me, I no longer eat in front of the tv because I'm busy knitting, and I can get a bit obsessive when I'm working on something as well, so sometimes I don't even eat all my meals. When I'm sitting in all the doctor/therapist/kids' classes waiting rooms, I'm using my hands instead of staring at those mind-numbing magazines.

I've lost about ten pounds since I've really gotten into it. I love it when my doc asks me what my weight maintenance plan is. He should know not to ask by now, but maybe he does it for the entertainment factor. "Well, I went and had one more kid than I can really handle, so I just burn everything off with stress and constant struggle." "I've taken up knitting." He just loves me. I think I'm going to give up soda. That will blow his mind.

Yes, He Really Said This

2yo: I go to gym class with my daddy!

Grandma: Oh that sounds like fun. What do you and Daddy do in your gym class?

2yo: Play with our big balls!

But it's true

My 8yo just told me why books are better than cookies. Not only do they last longer, but they are reusable. To reuse a cookie, you have to barf first. That's just delightful.

Healthy Breakfast

Coconut is a fruit right? And almonds are good for you. So if I eat a couple of Almond Joys, it's like granola or something, right? Sure it's an okay breakfast. I'm going with that.

Feeling Kinda Blah Tonight

Feeling a little blue, quite tired, need to go to bed. I'm having a cup of coffee first (decaf) to warm me up and soothe me a bit. I could really use some cheesy goodness. By this, I don't mean zombie movies or Star Trek. I mean Cheetos or Doritos. I think my body is trying to counteract all the Halloween candy.

Naughty Little Donkey!

One of my harem boys has been an awful tease and needs to be spanked. Oh he knows who he is. Wait until he finds out that I'm going to have Wolvie administer it instead of me. Heh heh. That will teach him to behave.

All Done Until Next Year!

Well, we're back and the kids brought in quite a haul. It was enough for Mommy to take a hefty cut. Our neighborhood was much friendlier this year and there were actually no people who irritated me. Did you hear me? NO PEOPLE WHO IRRITATED ME! I'm savoring the moment. I feel so old and crabby. Perfect for answering the door on Halloween.

I normally gear up for Halloween and love it. I just have a hard time wrangling three little monkeys all by myself. I'm out of fire wood, which sucks, because I need to send tasty treats to the otherworld for my ancestors and loved ones who have died. I can't leave them outside because Mr. Squirrel will eat himself sick. I didn't even get pumpkins this year! I did try, but they kept being out of them and I wasn't paying thirty bucks apiece at the pumpkin farm. No way. But that's okay. Tomorrow is lunch at Paula's, and hopefully she'll have some firewood. I can tell the children the story of the wedding of Persephone and Hades. (though of course, I forgot to buy a pomegranate)

Now all I have to do is keep the kids from eating all the candy tonight.

Dangers of Late Night Television

You know when you stay up too late and your brain begins to go goofy on you? I thought that was happening to me last night. I was watching tv and suddenly remembered that I needed to dash off a note to someone. Since the tivo was getting it, I went to take care of it in the other room but I left the tv on. Then I heard strange sounds. It sounded completely unreal. I was almost afraid to look but I peeked around the doorway and there it was. Stephen Colbert was singing a duet with Barry Manilow. My brain said to me, and I quote, "yeahbuhwhaa?" I wish I had been given some warning. It's still on tivo and I'm going to actually watch it tonight. I'm sure that it will be great now that I know it's not some weird trippy situation.

Gearing Up for Tomorrow

I hate taking my kids trick-or-treating. I don't mind tagging along when my husband is in charge because I can just shut off my brain. Alas, he is working and is unavailable. My neighborhood sucks for it too. This is my son's first year though, and we'll see if the professional coaching provided by his two big sisters pays off for him. I'm sure that by tomorrow night, I'll have a rant. One that goes beyond freezing my buttocks off and having to carry home a kid who didn't want to stop because he wasn't tired, until he got far enough away to not be able to walk home. Yeah, looking forward to that. :P

It Makes Me a Tad Uncomfortable

I noticed that when the computer boots up, it has something called "asus probe". I would really like an option to click "no thank you". I would feel much better about it. I assume that it's either a security feature or some kind of porn thing. I never know what the harem boys are putting on the computer.

Not So Good for Our Image

If I witness one more homeschooler use the word "curriculums", my mind is going to snap. Bonus snappage if it's one who does classical homeschooling, whose kids have to study Latin. Restrain me.

We Can All Relax Now

Starbucks has announced plans to double their number of stores. I know you were all worried, as was I, that there were not enough Starbucks around. There are only two in my local mall, and only having them every couple of blocks in the city is just a sprinkling really. Thank goodness they are alleviating the problem, which has been in the forefront of all our worries as individuals and as a country. I do hope they're putting some in Africa because they do need help there. Who needs food and medicine when you can have a four-dollar cup of crap?

Pictures from the incredibly twisted but fabulous "The Prestige"

Don't you just love Bowie's wonky-colored eyes? I stared at them the whole time he was on. So freaky and cool.

Spooning My Eyes Out

So I didn't get to go to Boston last weekend. I was really down about it, but moved along. Today I find out that after his Boston gig, Craig Ferguson was DOWN HERE! Less than an hour away from me! He did a show right nearby where I could have just gotten a babysitter and gone! POOP! So now I'm bummed all over again.

But Hugh Jackman's new movie is awesome and he does have the obligatory shirtless scene as well. Go see it. Your brain will hurt but it will be happy. As long as you don't have a drowning phobia. I had a little problem with that, but I'll get over it eventually, assuming I don't have nightmares about the movie the rest of my life. Michael Caine rocked. David Bowie rocked. Christian Bale was fabulous. Go see it. "The Prestige". Good shit. Oscar worthy.

Juvenile Delinquents

Yesterday, we were at my daughter's weekly Spanish class at the library. It went unusually long this week, and they announced that it was close to closing time. My daughter said we had to hurry and I told her that maybe they'd close and turn off the lights and go home and lock the doors and we'd be stuck there all night alone! She only looked panicked for about half a second before the big grin happened and she said that would be cool. Yeah, it would. So we started coming up with ideas of what we'd do if that happened. The best ones are hers.

The first and obvious activity of the evening would be to run around the library yelling, and nobody could shush us. Then we'd each take a floor and flush the toilets at the same time. We could use the PA system to announce subway stops and call the manager to the meat department. Those were my lame ideas, but she laughed uproariously at them. She decided that we should nail or glue all the tables, chairs, bookcases, etc. upside-down to the ceiling. We should also make signs to put in various places, like on the door "automatic door- to operate, say 'please'". We'd put an "out of order" sign on the stairs, and a "horse parking" sign somewhere as well and of course "watch for low-flying airplanes". She wanted to paint a wall to look like a corridor with a pool at the end and put a sign saying "this way to pool". Of course, we'd have to come back the next day to see all the fun. Especially the people walking into the wall on the way to the pool and the traffic jam at the door with everyone yelling "please" at it.

She wanted to hide in the bathroom and see if we could actually get locked in for the night. She figured we'd just call my husband and let him know and it would be fine. Thankfully, I did not give in to the childish temptation that lurks within me, waiting to cause chaos at any moment. It's not that I haven't, but I temper it safely, like the rare pie and popcorn dinner. I fear that in the coming years, with my kids getting older, the temptation will be greater. We get it from my dad. He died at the age of 63 or 5, depending on who you ask. Now that he's dead, he'll probably be whispering in our brains and encouraging our behavior. At least when he was alive, I could hang up or put a hand over his mouth. I think we're just doomed now. Dang.

My Lot in Life

Yesterday I baked brownies. This afternoon there was about a quarter of a 9x13 pan left, which my 2yo managed to scarf down in record time when nobody was looking. My husband found this very amusing. Know why? Because I am not in Boston. I'm at home. This means that my husband is not at home. He is at work. Guess which one of us had to deal with the chocolate turbo puke in three different rooms? I'll give you a hint. It's the one who is NOT amused.

I Don't Get it.

My daughter was watching "Dora the Explorer." She kept exclaiming about the red chicken. "Why would a chicken be red like that? That's crazy!" But she doesn't question the purple squirrel with the serape who drives a car, the blue bull, etc. Maybe her planet is different.

Disappointment Sucks

I'm supposed to be on a train to Boston right now, headed to a lovely two days of standup comedy, food food food, and having immediate responsibility for nobody but myself. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen and some somewhat foreseen circumstances, I'm home. Craig won't be signing my book, I won't be eating lobster ravioli and I'm stuck dealing with strep times five. Well, I hope Craig has a nice trip and gets his ass back to the NE at a time when I can actually see the show. Poopy.

Travels With a Five-Year-Old

I took Stevie to Chinatown today. Her first train ride, her first subway ride. She had a ball from the minute we left the house. She had been insisting that we have dumplings. We must have dumplings. So we went down to Dim Sum Go Go for lunch, where she proceeded to unwrap the dumplings and eat only the stuffing. My dog used to do that. Stevie didn't lick the inside of the wrapper though. She's such a goof. We had some pork pies, which were in sweet pastry and were sugared inside as well. Very yummy and she ate it down to one end, declaring that it was very good and then suddenly she didn't like it. There was maybe one bite left. She said "I only like the front". There was no front! It was just a little fried pastry! She did the same with the sesame balls, which were yummy too.

Then we went to the Chinatown Ice Cream Factory where they make all kinds of exotic flavors as well as the standard ones. It is a tiny shop and it was jam-packed. They were very busy. They got to us and I asked her what kind of ice cream she wanted and she said "blue". Well, I pretty much choked then. I just didn't know what to do. I said "Blue???? Please tell me a normal kind" and the lady said "We have that." I said "What?" She said "Blue ice cream". Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I was stunned once more. So I ordered a scoop of blue on a cone. Stevie was halfway done before she knew what it was. Blueberry. I caught a drip with my spoon and tasted it. We stood out leaning on a barber pole while we ate and people-watched. It was nice.

We bought fans for her and the other two monkeys and then headed back up to midtown to the big Toys R Us. So we go in, and about twenty feet from the door we nearly walked right into this family who was posing for a picture for some reason. It was not a photo op spot like in front of the ferris wheel or in front of the dragon or whatever. It was in front of the door. WTH? So an employee was taking their picture and I heard him say "Say cheese" and something evil whispered in my ear because I became "that guy". Yes, that's right. There's a nice Hasidic family who has a lovely memory of their visit with my big, stupid, grinning face right between mom and dad. They didn't even know I was there. Heh.

You know, I have walked 42nd street countless times in my life and never knew that in front of the Conde Nast building there's a fairy sidewalk. I always thought it was just a stretch of pavement with lots of mica in it, but I guess it's never too late to get an education. I'm glad Stevie told me. I've been ignorant all my life. I feel so foolish.

EDIT: Jenda just told me that those photos cost $25 because they are displayed on their giant screen in Times Square. I am not only a jerk, but I'm a famous jerk! Yay for me!

I'm Terribly Juvenile

My daugher and I went to the Late Late Show's website and there was a thing there to email the show. Weeellllll, let's just say that we considered it a challenge. So we put our return email address in as dork@kickme.net (her brilliant suggestion) and wrote the following:

Dear Craig,
Is your refrigerator running?

xoxo

Al Kaholic


My daughter was giggling and said "Oh my god, we are such jerks." I love her.

Enjoy your coffee quickly and then get the hell out!

It really irritates me when people say "expresso" when they mean "espresso". It's like "nucular". It makes me want to slap them.

Oh, and I don't want a customer service representative to be with me momentarily. I want him or her to be with me for as long as I require! Twits. TWITS!

I'm betting that a lot of these people are the same ones who complain that a person fresh off the boat can't speak English. So what's their excuse then? I think they need to be poked with a sharp stick. By me. During PMS. Yeah.

Just Because

Cue Evil Laughter

For the past couple of days, I've been telling my kids that we'll make cookies. Each day, something has ocurred to prevent that. Today I finally had the mixer going and it was time to add the vanilla, but I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it anywhere. I began to panic (come on, you know I'm not the only one who panics when the vanilla has gone MIA) and as I usually do when I panic, I decided to call my husband and ask him if he'd seen it.

He said that he hadn't seen it since a couple of weeks ago and that it had been on top of the pantry cabinet. Now, I'm no fool. I've been with him for twenty years and I know I've learned a thing or two in that time. There's no way his man-eyes would have noticed a bottle of vanilla extract unless he was using it. I remembered he made vanilla oatmeal for the kids. My conclusion is that he used it up and didn't tell me. This is bad. Very bad.

His closing remark was "It's somewhere. Good luck. Bye."

Oh no sir. Good luck to YOU.