Rima's Happy Place

This summer, thanks to my husband, I found my perfect knitting spot. It's a very wooded park next to a rail trail, where he takes our kids cycling. I sit by the stream and knit. There's nobody else there during the week. I think the place likes me. I get happy vibes the second I step onto the grass and see the trees.

I started today there. I kind of shuffled out of bed and into the car, but it was worth it. I stopped to pick up breakfast at a nearby bakery. I always make offerings when I go. It's very wild, and there's a perfect tree stump, overgrown with weedy vines. It's right in the center of the clearing, which is encircled by subtle protrusions of bedrock. In case anyone wants to know, the spirits really, really like coffee. But anyway, here's part of the view from the rock upon which I sit. The frogs, toads, chipmunks, butterflies, dragonflies, and probably unseen creatures don't seem to mind or fear me.

Here is what I brought with me today. I'm making the Waving Lace socks that are on the book cover, and yep, that's the Twatweasel yarn. So far, so good. I think this place has given me my longed-for sock mojo. Do you think nymphs knit? Sylphs? Satyrs? Well, at least I know they like coffee.

I Like Cake.

I'm 40, my hair is 55.

I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I've had grey hairs for years, and in the recent year or two, I started getting some wrinkles, but in the past two weeks since I turned 40, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, I have age spots on my face! WTF? Yesterday I noticed that I suddenly have lots and lots of blonde highlights in the front. Then I realized that it was my hair losing its color and going from brown to white. Tons of it!

I really don't want to be one of those ladies who starts dyeing their hair when they're young enough to need it, and then look really artificial when they're old. I also don't want to be forty and white all in the front. So I compromised. If I'm going to dye it and make it look artificial, let it be obvious. Manic Panic, in Purple Haze. Whoooooo!

Inappropriate Use...

...of "apostrophe's" and "quotation mark's" "hurt's" my soul, so please stop it.

Creepy Little Kid for Sale!

"Mommy, how many weeks until you die? Four?"

BLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Should I Really Know This?

Right now, everyone who works at my eye doctor's office is sucking back jello shots and home brew. They are all older than I am, and I think they're at the UPS guy's house. It just feels very weird to be aware of this.

It's Finally Happened.

The moment some of us have been waiting for, and others have been dreading-

Bacon butter has arrived. That's right, you heard me, bacon butter. I went out to dinner last night at one of those chain restaurants, and they offered a steak topped with bacon butter. BACON BUTTER, PEOPLE!!!!! I guess it's for those healthy-eating, low-carb folks.

Who Knew?

I just got back from South Dakota. Some stuff that I learned:

I need to get caffeine into my life.

It really isn't the heat, it's the humidity.

Ignorance and prejudice are not exclusive to any particular race or religion.

A diet of white bread and cheap cold cuts makes my guts do unspeakable things.

White sage sucks.

Ticks are excellent jumpers.

I'm moderately claustrophobic.

How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

It took our airheaded cat less than a day to learn to use the litterbox. It took our special ed dog two days to learn to sit and stay before she'd get fed. How long does it take an intelligent, college-educated man to learn that bras get dried on low? Seventeen years and counting so far. The world may never know.

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that Swatch is still in business, and they still make cool watches like they used to, just not as many and not as cool. I also learned that they are way the hell expensive now. I ordered Sign of the Times from their unisex collection.

I learned that if your lips are chapped and you eat blueberries, you will look very ill, and it doesn't scrub off.

Dis Bitch Got Skillz Yo!

After years of going babysittingless (it's a word because I say it is), I finally have a friend available. I asked her how much she wanted for it, and she said she didn't really know. Then she decided that she will babysit for cheesecake. That's right, I bake my pumpkin carmel pecan cheesecake for her to take home to her family, and she stays with my kids all night. I knew that would come in handy somehow, but I thought more along the lines of pacifying invading aliens.

SNORK!

more cat pictures

Roman Night at Jackman's Table

BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY SWIZZLE STICK!

Completely Blank

I haven't been very good at putting words together lately. In general, I've not been in a very good state. I basically want to eat, sleep, and scream, and I pretty much do. This is not good, because I have a lot of writing that I should be doing (among other reasons why it's not good). I'm supposed to be writing some promos, some jokes and sketches, finishing my pilot script (which is just for show) and maybe a couple more episodes, and I've got an idea but I can't decide whether it should be a film or tv series. All of this and I cannot get my head together. I'm just wired so tightly. Ugh. Frustrating.

It looks like Craig picked up on my mental state and decided to let me live vicariously through him as he went on a rather spirited rant about putting pineapple on pizza. Bless him. How does he know these things? (Oh, and as an aside, apparently there's some woman who blogs and really does believe that he can read her mind and see her through the TV! Are you creeped out? I'm creeped out!)

I read in Variety that the Late Late Show just got a new showrunner. It's the old showrunner, except that he wasn't the Showrunner, just the showrunner. Apparently they said, "Our show doesn't have a Showrunner, so we should make our showrunner the Showrunner." Very clevah, Mr. Lassally, very clevah.

And the Dumbass Award Goes to...

Me! That's right, me. I had a production meeting tonight. It was west coast time, so 10pm my time. I had pushed for this meeting. Everyone was really loose about it and I was like "no, there's stuff I need to know NOW, and stuff you need to know now, and stuff we need to get done before we start the shoot, and I want to get it all set as soon as possible."

Guess what I did? At the appointed time, I was sitting in my livingroom, starting my second sleeve on my Sahara, and going "I know there's something I was going to do tonight. Laundry? Dishes, definitely dishes..." I'm a total fuckwit! And yes, it's written on all my calendars.

Well, someone else had trouble logging into the video chat, so we're rescheduling. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch for that one. Dumbass.

Younger Siblings are Torture

6yo: (to her sister, in almost a whisper) I've seen your destiny.
10yo: What?! What's the matter with you?! What does that even MEAN?! You're freaky!

see more crazy cat pics

Profound Observation of the Day

Shakira is very yodely.

Words that Don't Belong Together

coven, church, Passover- and yet, that's my weekend.

Questionable Lyrics of the Day

From Train in Vain by The Clash:

You said you love me, that's a fact.
Then you left me for Jungle Jack.


I'm guessing that's not right, but it could be. I like it that way anyway.

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

From Queen/Bowie Under Pressure- I'm pretty sure that I'm misunderstanding the second line here:

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence like a dumbfuck

She Kills Me!

For about a year, my 6yo was trying to scam us with the story that at night, she has a job in California that she gets to by tunnel when we're sleeping. She always spoke about it very seriously, keeping a straight face, and telling us about stuff she bought at the mall there, or what she ate on her lunch break. Tonight at dinner she suddenly said,

"I don't really have a job in California. Instead, I come downstairs and watch TV when everyone's sleeping. I watch Craig Ferguson. I watch a lot of inappropriate television. Mostly 'My Name is Earl'".

I look forward to her synopses.

Odd Day's Happenings

Our son turned four today. I guess he's all grown up now. I asked him not to bat a balloon near the breakables on the fireplace and he said "What's the matter, do I offend?" Um, what?

My husband called me with his ass again. He must have our home number on speed dial or something, because every once in a while it happens. Then I feel like an idiot going "hello? hello?". I can hear him talking to the people at work. This time I said "hold your ears kids" and yelled as loudly as possible into the phone " HELP! LET ME OUT! I'M TRAPPED IN BRIAN'S PANTS! IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Stupid, deaf fuckers. They wrecked my moment of glory. I just hung up. My kids worship me now though.

Hey Jeebus People, What's Yer Point?

You know the people who like to try to convert other people to their religion? They are so annoying and stupid. If they're trying to tell me that heaven is filled with people like them, and hell is filled with people like me, what exactly is it that they think I'd want to change?

The Mystery of Self

I'm not a gemini, nor do I have any kind of disassociative disorder, but I feel so conflicted. I have a really hard time reconciling my humanitarian, compassionate half, who always feels bad for people who are hurting, wants to help, believes in human rights, live and let live, etc. with the misanthropic side of me who is subjected to daily demonstrations that people are fucking fuckwits, and the world would be far better off if humans just spontaneously combusted. That side of me also wants to smack people.

I'm FAT!

Holy crap, I'm serious! I don't think I've ever been this fat. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner tonight. THREE! WHAT THE HELL? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, but I could, then. I didn't even weigh enough to give blood. Phooey.

So now I'm off to do some rond de jambe a thises and rond de jambe a thats, and various other similar thingies while Dave and Craig keep me awake and encouraged. Man, this sucks.

Rock and Roll Confusion

Somebody needs to 'splain somsing. Why was Madonna inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Isn't that for Rock and Roll performers? When did she do that? Makes no sense. And yet, no Alice Cooper.

Happy Pi Day!

Today is 3/14. Pi day. I had planned to bake a pie or two, and of course, teach the kids how to calculate the circumference of that pie. Unfortunately, I am somewhat challenged, and thought that tomorrow was the 14th, and made other plans for today. Well, I'm going to go ahead with it anyway because I'm stubborn. Yay stubbornness!

I'm going to make a vegan cookie pie for my allergic kid, and for the rest of us, I'm thinking chocolate chess. Maybe I'll get a can of cherry filling to go on top. I know, filling from a can! Shocking, isn't it? Well how else would I find pie cherries this time of year? Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed some good pie and math today.

If only I had known it were possible...

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

It's the Little Things

I am having a seriously craptacular day. It's been awful. I had one thing that really gave me a lift just now. I just found out that Igor Stravinsky wrote a piece called "Don't Throw Paper Towels in the Toilet". Totally made my day.

It Amazes Me

The concept of that-doesn't-affect-me apathy confounds me. Why would a person be willing to give up his rights just because he happens to be making the same choice as the offender? It's okay for school boards to illegally harrass parents, as long as they aren't illegally harrassing public school parents? People are fine with local governments telling them "you have the right to choose the option we want you to"? That's a right? WTF? It just goes to prove once more that the vast majority of people are STOOPUD.

Are they talking about my house?

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

When Worlds Collide

When my son saw this picture, he just about exploded with joyous surprise. Greg and Craig, together on one stage. He couldn't believe it. Heehee.

Damn That Cheesy Goodness!

I have the worst pizza burn on the roof of my mouth. I think it blistered and everything. I forgot about it until I went to drink my coffee at breakfast. Now I'm just staring at my coffee, feeling like Tantalus, except it's up to me. I can drink it if I want to be in lots of pain. Believe it or not, it's a tough choice, and it's decaf. I'm not a caffeine addict. I just love my coffee. I know, iced coffee, but it's just not the same. My soul is lost.

Sockyarny Goodness

Toes on toothpicks will be forthcoming.

I Figured it Out.

I know where the little man heard it now, because he was just yelling "Boom cha cha MAMBO!"

That's what I get for letting him hang around with the harem boys.

Gabba Gabba Hey!

I have an almost four-year-old who is a punk rocker. He doesn't know it. When he was a baby, oh about one or so, he would sing and it would always sound angry. He'd yell the alphabet or whatever other sweet little kiddie song it was. My friend Shaun said that all he needed was a soul patch and a kilt. We already gave him the perfect name.

I recently got Rock Band. He loves The Clash and The Ramones and sings along loudly. There's only one song from each though, so I was puzzled the other day when I heard him yell from the bathroom "GABBA GABBA HEY!" (he likes to sing on the throne) I don't know where he heard that, but I don't even have it on my ipod. Is it time for a foil hat? I don't have bail money for this kid.

Something to Think About

I've never seen Amy Winehouse and Andy Samberg in the same room together. I'm just sayin'.

Yet More Evidence...

That there are other people like me in the world. This is a kit from a company called Subversive Cross-stitch. I could weep.

More Ravelry Love

A new group has started in Ravelry. It's the "Stupid, Lazy, and Godless" group. It came to be when someone asked if we're allowed to use curse words on Ravelry. Apparently, a whole lot of people with no lives of their own passed judgement on the pottymouths, hence the name of the group. Well, I joined, and that just made my otherwise crappy day!

Of course, you know the group is made up of intelligent, hard-working, and often spiritual people. (Spiritual people are considered godless by many Christians, despite the fact that we often have more gods then they do.)

And I bought sock yarn. WTF?

This is Why Craig Rocks

Because I can

Really, do we ever need a reason? I think not.

For Goodness Sakes Just Stop it!

Let me state it again- the singular is "curriculum". The plural is "curricula". Please spread the word so that together we can save the world. While you're at it, do mention that they can stop calling rolls "yeast rolls". Yes, rolls have yeast in them. We know that already. That's why they're rolls and not rocks. Slappity slap!

Everyone Has His Worth

I've discovered what Tom Cruise's purpose is. When I think I'm an airhead, or I'm losing my mind, he's here to remind me that nope, I'm not. No way. THERE'S vapid, incoherent, batshit for you. Make no mistake about that kids. If you're ever unsure of yourself, watch this video, because this is what it looks like. Wow.
http://defamer.com/344987/the-tom-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientologists-dont-want-you-to-see

Ninja's Advice for the WGA

I Just Love Silly!

moar funny pictures

For I am Wise

Lately we've been buying more organic foods. Of course it's because we like knowing what's in our food, and with the co-op, a lot of times it's cheaper than the regular crap in the supermarket. However, there are questions that are being asked by many people regarding organic food. Some examples:

If you wash it with soap, or tap water, is it still organic?
If it sits next to the chemical-laden food at the supermarket, is it still organic?
If it's packaged in plastic, is it still organic?
If it's traveling in the same truck with chemical-laden food, is it still organic?

I thought about this and came up with the following answer to all those questions:

Shut up, get a life, and leave me to eat my apples in peace.

(this scientific study brought to you by PMS)

What's His Obsession with Meat????

3yo: Do trees make oxygen?

Me: Yes.

3yo: Is oxygen shaped like a hot dog?

Me: What? Uh, no.

FYI

Methamphetamine does not contain Velveeta, nor is it used to treat gout, but that's only because Wikipedia put a lock on that page that only allows certain people to edit it. Dang.

Mike Huckabee is a Twit

Please people, don't even consider electing someone this stupid to be our President. We've had enough of that, and he doesn't come with a puppeteer. Huckabee appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. This is a show that has gone back on the air without its striking writers, and is being picketed by the Writers' Guild of America.

That's right, a man who wants to be president just said "fuck you" to all the union members of America. Nice campaign move. Then he's dumb enough to say that he didn't know the strike was still going on. Um, Mike? 1) There were all those picketers. 2) If you can't bother to find that out before going on a talk show, can you deal with complicated political intelligence which might or might not balance the fate of the world? How about we not find out, okay?

Quote of the Day

From my 3yo:

"I wish I were a chicken nugget. Actually, I wish I had a light saber."

A Meaty Christmas to All

Last night, we drove around looking at decorative light displays. Our 3y0 son asked why we didn't have lights on our house, and my husband told him that he had wanted to put some up but he was busy and didn't get the chance. He said he'd try to do it next year. My son asked if he would use crispy bacon. "Crispy bacon?" I asked. "To decorate the house?" He answered yes in a way that suggested that I don't know anything about decorating a house. Silly me.

Holding Out Hope for the Day

Happy solstice everyone. I know I'm a day late, but that's the only way I can get it to miraculously coincide with the husband's schedule. Hush, don't tell the kids. Speaking of kids, they aren't making the day easy. Not that they ever do, but I'd like it to be festive. I'm sleep-deprived, and for some reason have sore muscles here and there, as well as an impending headache, but I have a lot to do. Most of it is fun stuff, like wrapping presents and making festive food for Christmas brunch with the maternal unit, but indeed it takes work, and that requires energy.

So here I am, recharging by relaxing a little at the computer. I know, I'll read something funny. So I go over to the blog that the Late Show with David Letterman writers have up and what do I see? Not only do I see a lame joke, but it's a lame joke that I made about a year ago. At least it wasn't for pay. If I saw it on the show, I'd have to cry.

I'm holding out hope that I'll feel better at dinner time. First, I don't have to cook it. Second, it's a rare treat that my husband is bringing home. It's NY pizza from my favorite pizzeria, near where we used to live when we first got married. Sicilian pizza, even! And a small salad pizza too! Can't get that stuff here in CT, though I like living here much better than living in NY. I just hope that by then, I haven't lost my mind. It's 2:30 and I have one kid still in her pajamas. Five hours and counting.

They Just Know How to Make a Mom Feel Bad

Today my 6yo said "Maybe Odin Claus will give me some cough medicine."

Golden Globes Dilemma?

Given the situation with the writers' strike, there are Golden Globe nominees who are torn between promoting their work, and honoring the picket line. Now, aren't these supposed to be the creative people of the world? How are they missing the obvious solution?

Here's what I would do, especially if I were already fairly well-known. I'd show up in my evening finery, with my gorgeous gentleman, step out of the car and smile for the cameras, then turn and pull out my picket signs from the back seat, smile for the cameras again, and go join the line. There you have it. Support for the WGA and a shitload of publicity. Plus, you still get to wear a fabulous dress and go out for dinner later. So what is the problem?

It's Over! WOOHOO!

Broadway is up and running again! The man's got a paycheck once more! What a relief. Now if only these guys could get it together:

Harem Boys Holiday Pageant

Wolvie wasn't too happy about it, but if it pleases me, he'll do it. So here you go, my top four harem boys entertaining their mistress.
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9630927441

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT RIMA IS MISSING LATE NIGHT TELEVISION

10.Laughs in her sleep while eating imaginary Doritos

9. Turns to her husband in the morning and says “Paul, do we have any tooth brushing music?”

8. Has been having hallucinations about giant rats and pigs, and can only be talked down in a Scottish accent

7. Has replaced children’s reward stickers with reward meat platters

6. Has developed lactose intolerance and restless leg syndrome

5. Wore a suit of tortilla chips for Thanksgiving

4. Has been desperately searching the internet for a “host desk” knitting pattern

3. Makes sure that her kids start each day with a hearty, vitamin-fortified monologue

2. Invites other moms over for “a cup of tea and a chat”

1. Responds to mealtime pickiness with “Just eat it! It’s carbolicious!”

"Best of Craigslist" Goodie

This really had me laughing so hard I had tears coming down. It gives me hope for the future.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/465979897.html

ZOMBIES!!!!!!

The Broadway People Get it

Latest word on the strike is that the Weisslers plan to replace their stagehands with the cast of "Growing Pains". (come on, you know it's funny)

For the WGA

My Feelings Exactly!

I don't know why there are some subjects which make people feel entitled to be incredibly rude and intrusive, but homeschooling is one of them. I do my best to be polite. The following was posted on a couple of lists, but I don't know the original source. I wish I knew who to thank for it.

1. Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is - and it is - it's insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

2. Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

3. Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

4. Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.

5. If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.

6. Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

7. We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.

8. Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.

9. Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.

10. We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.

11. Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. You have no authority to do so. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.

12. If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

13. Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it's crowded and icky.

14. Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of education - and many of us prefer a more organic approach - we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

15. Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don't get to go to the prom. For all you know, I'm one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

16. Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.

17. Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.

18. If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

19. Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

20. Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.

21. Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.

22. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.

23. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.

24. Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.

25. Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

And for IATSE- A Little Badum Bum

Broadway's stagehands are on strike. If it lasts through December, it could ruin Christmas for thousands of NY Jews.

Actor's Equity is supporting the srike. Donna Murphy was so moved that she sent her understudy to picket.

Local 1 is generously using its emergency fund to keep Manhattan's doughnut shops from going under.

If the producers are allowed to save money on labor, they will be able to lower ticket prices by- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm such a kidder! Lower ticket prices SNORT! Ah me....

I Weep for Television

With the Writers' Guild of America on strike, I'm going to miss my favorite shows. Although most are stockpiled for a couple of months, many are not. It depends on who's running the show. I hear that Aaron Sorkin is deadline-challenged, for instance. My favorites, however, are written daily, right up to the very last minute. Well, on the bright side, I can stop TIVOing Craig and start TIVOing Conan reruns in order to study them.

I thought about reruns and crappy television, and had a couple of silly "what if" thoughts. Such as, what if they took all the "Seinfeld" episodes and reshot them "Office" style, with Kramer, Newman, Puddy, and Mr. & Mrs. Costanza doing talking heads? I'd watch every frickin' episode! What if CBS picked up "Viva Laughlin" again, for a full 13 episodes, done MST3K style? That would be some of the most awesome TV ever made. (note for any weasels: these blog posts are dated, so snag)

I Love Homeschooling

Last night my husband tucked the kids into bed and told my daughter not to stay up too late reading. She asked why not, and he couldn't think of an answer! :D

MIA!

I know, but I'm back. We spent a week in Los Angeles. The above picture shows the world-famous chipmunk, Dale. He was semi-amusing me at breakfast last Friday morning. There I am, hiding in the lower corner. The only way I could possibly find anything remotely amusing at breakfast is a three-hour time difference. To me, it was lunch.

We had a week of sunshine every day. We came back to two days of rain, which didn't help my jet-lag. Three hours might not seem like a lot, but when you're definitely not a morning person, trust me- it is. It was clear and crisp today, and the leaves are falling, and the trees are lovely. I froze my can off last night, and right now I have pumpkin cranberry bread in the oven. It smells great. Yep, we're back in Connecticut alright, and autumn has arrived. Ah.

Crazed

I'm trying to get ready for a vacation. I went crazy looking for our bathing suits so I could wash and pack them. I looked on the back porch, in the laundry, in the car, couldn't find them. I don't know what finally made me look in the drawers, but there they all were, clean and put away.

I fell asleep on the couch, having been up for a while with a sick kid during the night. The problem with afternoon naps is that they give me weird dreams. Probably because I know there's stuff I should be doing, so I never know if I'm really sleeping or not, as my dreams have me up and about. I dreamed that I woke up from my nap and ordered pizza. Then when I really woke up, I wasn't sure if I did it or not and had to ask my daughter. Ugh. I'm way too tired. I need a PA and a maid.

Ravelry!

I had forgotten all about Ravelry.com until I got my invitation yesterday and now I can't stop looking at it. I can keep track of all the needles, yarn, and patterns that I own. I can post details and pictures of all my projects, and keep track of projects I want to do in the future, and for whom. I can look up a pattern that I want to do, and see other people's results and comments. Same for yarn. Dang. Too much. Waaaaaaaaay too many pretty pictures. I've spent too many hours there these past two days. I should have used that time to actually knit instead of read about and look at knitting. Duh.

But it's so pretty!

What Goes on During Commercial Breaks

"Quick Rima! Throw me some cheesecake!"

I guarantee, these guys get the chicks.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20780105/

Oh Poo.

This year's Scottish festival is going to be while we're away so we'll miss it. It just so happens that it's hubby's clan that's being honored. I was going to get Cheeky Wee Angus MacBrian a cute little kilt, with flashings and all. Ah well.

Last time we were there, we met a very nice, very crazy old Scotsman who complained that we spelled our name like pawkie sassenachs and that we need to drop the "e". He kept giving my kids cookies though because he melted every time my daughter said "thank you" and gave one to the baby. He was just googoo for her. He reminded me of my grandpa. She would have weaseled him out of all his cookies too.

I've met a few Scottish people in my everyday life, and as far as I know, only one wasn't a raving crazyperson. She might have been though, and I just didn't know about it. The others though, they just go nuts when something sets them off. Pretty much like the Celts in my family. Yeah, the same really, just different unitelligible accents. So that's probably another reason that guy reminded me of my grandpa. I could totally see my grandfather ranting about something like that. He was a head-butter too. Hilarious.

Too Far Away

Oh blow ye winds over the ocean
Oh blow ye winds over the sea
Oh blow ye winds over the ocean
And bring back my bonnie to me

Harem Boy Alert!

Head harem boy saw ex-harem boy in the city today. It must have been awkward. It seems that Bobby is finding comfort though. He had two women and a box of meat with him. He hasn't changed.

Be Prepared!

Yesterday I was looking in the pantry and I saw that we have four boxes of pancake mix. Of course, I immediately alerted my husband that we were low on pancake mix and that he should pick up four more boxes. If it were to hail or something, I feel totally unprepared.

While I'm here, I should let you know that idiots suck. Dropping stitches sucks. Autumn weather plus peanut butter oreos is damn fine. Carry on.

Joey Fatone

I know absolutely nothing about him, I just think it's fun to say "Joey Fatone". (now fangirls are going to get Google hits and leave angry comments. Sorry for the false alarm kids!)

It's Probably Because They Rhyme

Here's something I bet you didn't know. People's noses match their toes. I'm not kidding. A person with a little, pointy nose has little, pointy toes and a person with a big, fat nose has big, fat toes, etc. I'm not making this up. Check it out, you'll see. It will drive you mad. Well, it will drive Chris mad. Sorry Chris!

I Wish...

Bugs wouldn't find me so tasty.

My internal clock weren't backwards.

People had a clue.

That when my husband sneezes while driving my car, he'd wipe the front windshield.

The fire department wouldn't put on the sirens just because my CO detector was going off.

I were skilled at "magic darts" haha!

Autumn would get here already because summer sucks.

Pie weren't fattening.

There were 36 hour days so I could get more sleep and still get something done before the next day came along.

I could have a dog.

My sweater would magically frog itself back to row 8 of the decrease section so I could continue on my merry way.

Calling it a Night

Look at me going to bed at 10:30! I'm headachey and exhausted. But, I'm still going to read to all the kids, who are far more peppy than I am right now. That might give you a clue as to why I'm so tired all the time. But since it's been a while, I should post something worthy, so let's all give a warm welcome to my new Jr. harem boys, Fred and George. They're the tall ones, obviously. And yes, they're perfectly legal, but they're still only in training. These guys rock. If I were at Hogwarts, I would have failed out because I'd be having too much fun with them. Of course, they did perfectly well until they dropped out to pursue greater things. My very favorite moment in the entire series was when they left school with "Give her hell for us Peeves!" That. Was. Awesome. Night all.

Can You Plagarize Yourself?

Just before I woke up this morning, I had a really funny dream with a great joke in it. I woke up laughing and thought "that was great, I wish I had thought of that one!" Then it occured to me that technically, I did. I can use it, but I feel guilty because my brain did it without me. I am so messed up.

Anyone Have $660 Million to Play With?

The Los Angeles Archdioces is settling their sexual abuse lawsuits for $660 million. Frankly, it bothers me that they HAVE that much money in the first place. That they should have that much to spend on buying their way out of crime is pretty disturbing. The pope might be surprised to know that Jesus didn't wear large jewels, nor were his walls covered in gold. No really, I'm serious, they weren't! I fully admit to not paying much attention in CCD, but I'm pretty sure he also didn't tell his apostles "go forth and collect priceless works of art". I mean, he might have, but probably not.

Dinner is served. Mmmm...

Another One of Those Dinners

I just made the components for a stawberry-blueberry shortcake. I'm just waiting for the biscuit to cool so it doesn't melt the whipped cream. I don't know what I'm going to make for my dairy and egg allergic kid, who is also fruitaphobic, but I'll figure out something.

Yanno, whipping cream by hand is really hard, but a great thing to do when you're pissed off. You know that fine line that you get to between whipped cream and butter? I almost crossed it. I'm going to wake up in the morning with the biceps of a Brakeheart.

My "Huh?" Moment of the Day

I'm making Stitch Diva's Sahara Sweater in the short-sleeved version, out of bamboo yarn, which just looks like perfectly normal yarn. Today my mother came over and saw it in my basket and asked if it was the bamboo sweater I was working on. I said yes and she looked at it and said "It doesn't look like bamboo. It looks more like grass." I utterly and completely do not understand what that meant, given that she was just looking at yarn with no botanical characteristics at all. If it goes well and comes out nice, I plan on making the long-sleeved version. I'll be making that one out of soy. I wonder what comment that one will evoke. My curiosity eagerly awaits that one.

It seems that Blogger no longer likes post titles. How sad.

My Brush with Greatness

Stephen Schwartz and I have the same piano tuner. I know, you don't even know what to say.

Conversation in the Ladies' Room

9Y0: I hate those evaporation thingies.

ME: You mean dryers?

9YO: Yeah, those.

I Feel so Alone

I'm trying to work through a rewrite of a tv series proposal. My screenwriting teacher says that I'm not doing enough to communicate what demographic it's for, and that producers will absolutely want to know that without question. Okay. I know why he has trouble with it. I know exactly why. I'm just not sure what to do about it. He thinks it would make an awesome show but without the demo, I couldn't get it produced.

The real problem is that it's for my demographic. Unfortunately, "39 going on 10" is not an official demo, and apparently there aren't enough of us to warrant the money, so I have to maybe weasel it as a collegiate hit. Urg. Well, I guess that tomorrow will be a big scribble in the margins day.

Yarn Shopping

I'm about to start knitting a cute little top. It has beaded trim around the edges. I just came from the yarn store. The one little skein of yarn that I'm using to make the trim costs more than I would want to pay for a cute little top. Ah well. I'm paying for the joy of making the cute little top, in the color I like, in my measurements. So there. Pffft!

Dude, either hire me or cut it out.

Okay, this is getting to be too much now. In Craig Ferguson's monologue last night, he did a comedic sexy voice saying "Have another piece of cake. It's delicious. Have some more carrot cake with the forbidden icing." Carrot cake for goodness sakes! I've written entire dialogues about carrot cake! Now of course, I do it waaaaaaaaay better, but still! If he's going to use my stuff, he needs to learn to do it right. The night before, he was talking about naughty librarians! I wonder if someone on his staff reads JT. Haha, right. No, it's my brainwaves. They infiltrate. I'll have to wear one of those aluminum foil hats to keep them where they belong. I bet that would go over well at a pitch meeting. At least I'd look like many of the other people in Los Angeles. Perfectly normal.

I Looked in the Box

Yup, there's gobos in there alright, and they aren't in Las Vegas. I'm just not going to think about it. They will leave my car the same way they got in, and that's that. (Even though my kids want to play with them.)

Who am I Kidding?

Every day I think that it would be nice if I were asleep by midnight. Yeah, right. That only happens if I can't keep my eyes open. Otherwise, I'm busy. Today I thought "yep, midnight tonight". Nope. I have stuff to write, laundry to do, and while both of those are going on, I'm gonna catch me some Robot Chicken on the TIVO. It's reSEARCH.

Weird Day

Yesterday I noticed a mysterious box in the back of my car. It is labeled "Hairspray Las Vegas Gobos". That's probably not good.

On the other hand, I caught a ball with my cleavage. My 3yo found it quite entertaining.

My Child is Crazy, but in a Good Way

My five-year-old is writing a book. It's about a guy who gets hit by lightning. It's a direct hit. All that's left is a scorch mark on the ground. His loved ones naturally assume that he was vaporized, but in reality, the lightning teleported him. So he's in the McDonald's in the next town, confused, and he's trying to get someone to pick him up, but they don't understand because they think he's dead. They think that "McDonald's in Milford" is the name of the place where dead people go. They figure it's a ghostly phone call from beyond the grave and just don't know what to make of it.

The illustrations are so adorable and hilarious.

There is but one punishment for setting alight the mando-shaped beacon...

Yes, that is my mandolin, shining atop Castle Anthrax. This is what I get for using Zoot as a screen name. Musicians are quite silly.

Happy Billy-Bob Everyone!

Once I dreamed that Thursday was changed to Billy-Bob. The rest of the days of the week were called the same thing that they are now, it's just Thursday that was changed. So I told some of my friends about that dream and they started using it. We'd have emails that said things like "Are you free for dinner on Tuesday? If not, I can do Billy-Bob too." It was weird. They got over it eventually. Every once in a while it creeps up on me though, so happy Billy-Bob.

They're Conspiring

This was a special goof that I did a while ago for Shannon, but I figured I might as well stick it here:

DENNIS: Okay, so you take down the big guy and I'll take the other one.

CRAIG: Why do I have to get the big guy?

DENNIS: You want the short chick, right?

CRAIG: Yeah.

DENNIS: Well guess which one she's married to.

CRAIG: Fuck!

DENNIS: Heh. Sucker.

CRAIG: You know, that other guy looks pretty big too. Especially compared to your skinny ass.

DENNIS: Yeah? You think you can take my skinny ass?

CRAIG: Yeah, I do. HEY! They're getting away! SHIT!

DENNIS: GODDAMMIT! HEY! HOT TAP DANCING CHICK! COME BACK!

CRAIG: Well, now what're we gonna do?

DENNIS: Okay, don't panic. Here's plan B. I come back on the show and you have Naked Week.

CRAIG: Ooh yeah, that'll get their attention. (rubs hands with evil glee)

I Give Up

Quite a while ago, as in six months to a year, (can't remember) I bought a carbon fiber bow. I have not yet gotten to try it out. It's reconditioned, so I don't know if it's got new hair or it was just cleaned, but in any case, it is completely clean, and I have spent an hour and a half trying to put rosin on it, and I still can't get any sound out of it. I only wanted to practice for a half hour or so. I have to get up relatively early tomorrow to get my kids where they need to be on time, otherwise I would stay up and conquer the damn thing! I remember going through this with my old bow. Grrrrr. Frustrating. On the plus side, Grandpa's mando sounds great.

Today's Meaningless Chatter

There are few activities (barring medical situations) that I find more unpleasant than changing strings. Mandolins have twice as many strings as fiddles. Yippee. So far, nothing has snapped and given me a major gash, but I do have two small cuts and some dents in my fingers. I think a little WD-40 might help. These are old pegs. At least they don't wind to the inside of the instrument. I have to say, whoever designed violins like that was just plain deranged. Well, four strings on, four to go. Then commence tuning. Ugh.

And my favorite conversation of the day-

3yo: Mom, are you going to die?
Me: Not at the moment.
3yo: When are you going to die?
Me: I don't know. Why?
3yo: Well, you're fat. You could die.
Me: I'm not fat.
3yo: You look fat.
Me: Gee thanks.
9yo: She's not fat, she just needs a better bra.
5yo: Yeah. She has big boobies, that's all. They make her look fat.

I just can't win today.

LOL!

Check this out. Not for the article, but for the picture that goes with it. I wonder if the person who put it up had any idea what he or she was looking at. I'm sure the photographer did. I'm starting to think I'd like L.A. It has its own charm.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18969221/