What Goes on During Commercial Breaks

"Quick Rima! Throw me some cheesecake!"

I guarantee, these guys get the chicks.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20780105/

Oh Poo.

This year's Scottish festival is going to be while we're away so we'll miss it. It just so happens that it's hubby's clan that's being honored. I was going to get Cheeky Wee Angus MacBrian a cute little kilt, with flashings and all. Ah well.

Last time we were there, we met a very nice, very crazy old Scotsman who complained that we spelled our name like pawkie sassenachs and that we need to drop the "e". He kept giving my kids cookies though because he melted every time my daughter said "thank you" and gave one to the baby. He was just googoo for her. He reminded me of my grandpa. She would have weaseled him out of all his cookies too.

I've met a few Scottish people in my everyday life, and as far as I know, only one wasn't a raving crazyperson. She might have been though, and I just didn't know about it. The others though, they just go nuts when something sets them off. Pretty much like the Celts in my family. Yeah, the same really, just different unitelligible accents. So that's probably another reason that guy reminded me of my grandpa. I could totally see my grandfather ranting about something like that. He was a head-butter too. Hilarious.

Too Far Away

Oh blow ye winds over the ocean
Oh blow ye winds over the sea
Oh blow ye winds over the ocean
And bring back my bonnie to me

Harem Boy Alert!

Head harem boy saw ex-harem boy in the city today. It must have been awkward. It seems that Bobby is finding comfort though. He had two women and a box of meat with him. He hasn't changed.

Be Prepared!

Yesterday I was looking in the pantry and I saw that we have four boxes of pancake mix. Of course, I immediately alerted my husband that we were low on pancake mix and that he should pick up four more boxes. If it were to hail or something, I feel totally unprepared.

While I'm here, I should let you know that idiots suck. Dropping stitches sucks. Autumn weather plus peanut butter oreos is damn fine. Carry on.

Joey Fatone

I know absolutely nothing about him, I just think it's fun to say "Joey Fatone". (now fangirls are going to get Google hits and leave angry comments. Sorry for the false alarm kids!)

It's Probably Because They Rhyme

Here's something I bet you didn't know. People's noses match their toes. I'm not kidding. A person with a little, pointy nose has little, pointy toes and a person with a big, fat nose has big, fat toes, etc. I'm not making this up. Check it out, you'll see. It will drive you mad. Well, it will drive Chris mad. Sorry Chris!

I Wish...

Bugs wouldn't find me so tasty.

My internal clock weren't backwards.

People had a clue.

That when my husband sneezes while driving my car, he'd wipe the front windshield.

The fire department wouldn't put on the sirens just because my CO detector was going off.

I were skilled at "magic darts" haha!

Autumn would get here already because summer sucks.

Pie weren't fattening.

There were 36 hour days so I could get more sleep and still get something done before the next day came along.

I could have a dog.

My sweater would magically frog itself back to row 8 of the decrease section so I could continue on my merry way.

Calling it a Night

Look at me going to bed at 10:30! I'm headachey and exhausted. But, I'm still going to read to all the kids, who are far more peppy than I am right now. That might give you a clue as to why I'm so tired all the time. But since it's been a while, I should post something worthy, so let's all give a warm welcome to my new Jr. harem boys, Fred and George. They're the tall ones, obviously. And yes, they're perfectly legal, but they're still only in training. These guys rock. If I were at Hogwarts, I would have failed out because I'd be having too much fun with them. Of course, they did perfectly well until they dropped out to pursue greater things. My very favorite moment in the entire series was when they left school with "Give her hell for us Peeves!" That. Was. Awesome. Night all.

Can You Plagarize Yourself?

Just before I woke up this morning, I had a really funny dream with a great joke in it. I woke up laughing and thought "that was great, I wish I had thought of that one!" Then it occured to me that technically, I did. I can use it, but I feel guilty because my brain did it without me. I am so messed up.

Anyone Have $660 Million to Play With?

The Los Angeles Archdioces is settling their sexual abuse lawsuits for $660 million. Frankly, it bothers me that they HAVE that much money in the first place. That they should have that much to spend on buying their way out of crime is pretty disturbing. The pope might be surprised to know that Jesus didn't wear large jewels, nor were his walls covered in gold. No really, I'm serious, they weren't! I fully admit to not paying much attention in CCD, but I'm pretty sure he also didn't tell his apostles "go forth and collect priceless works of art". I mean, he might have, but probably not.

Dinner is served. Mmmm...

Another One of Those Dinners

I just made the components for a stawberry-blueberry shortcake. I'm just waiting for the biscuit to cool so it doesn't melt the whipped cream. I don't know what I'm going to make for my dairy and egg allergic kid, who is also fruitaphobic, but I'll figure out something.

Yanno, whipping cream by hand is really hard, but a great thing to do when you're pissed off. You know that fine line that you get to between whipped cream and butter? I almost crossed it. I'm going to wake up in the morning with the biceps of a Brakeheart.

My "Huh?" Moment of the Day

I'm making Stitch Diva's Sahara Sweater in the short-sleeved version, out of bamboo yarn, which just looks like perfectly normal yarn. Today my mother came over and saw it in my basket and asked if it was the bamboo sweater I was working on. I said yes and she looked at it and said "It doesn't look like bamboo. It looks more like grass." I utterly and completely do not understand what that meant, given that she was just looking at yarn with no botanical characteristics at all. If it goes well and comes out nice, I plan on making the long-sleeved version. I'll be making that one out of soy. I wonder what comment that one will evoke. My curiosity eagerly awaits that one.

It seems that Blogger no longer likes post titles. How sad.

My Brush with Greatness

Stephen Schwartz and I have the same piano tuner. I know, you don't even know what to say.

Conversation in the Ladies' Room

9Y0: I hate those evaporation thingies.

ME: You mean dryers?

9YO: Yeah, those.

I Feel so Alone

I'm trying to work through a rewrite of a tv series proposal. My screenwriting teacher says that I'm not doing enough to communicate what demographic it's for, and that producers will absolutely want to know that without question. Okay. I know why he has trouble with it. I know exactly why. I'm just not sure what to do about it. He thinks it would make an awesome show but without the demo, I couldn't get it produced.

The real problem is that it's for my demographic. Unfortunately, "39 going on 10" is not an official demo, and apparently there aren't enough of us to warrant the money, so I have to maybe weasel it as a collegiate hit. Urg. Well, I guess that tomorrow will be a big scribble in the margins day.

Yarn Shopping

I'm about to start knitting a cute little top. It has beaded trim around the edges. I just came from the yarn store. The one little skein of yarn that I'm using to make the trim costs more than I would want to pay for a cute little top. Ah well. I'm paying for the joy of making the cute little top, in the color I like, in my measurements. So there. Pffft!

Dude, either hire me or cut it out.

Okay, this is getting to be too much now. In Craig Ferguson's monologue last night, he did a comedic sexy voice saying "Have another piece of cake. It's delicious. Have some more carrot cake with the forbidden icing." Carrot cake for goodness sakes! I've written entire dialogues about carrot cake! Now of course, I do it waaaaaaaaay better, but still! If he's going to use my stuff, he needs to learn to do it right. The night before, he was talking about naughty librarians! I wonder if someone on his staff reads JT. Haha, right. No, it's my brainwaves. They infiltrate. I'll have to wear one of those aluminum foil hats to keep them where they belong. I bet that would go over well at a pitch meeting. At least I'd look like many of the other people in Los Angeles. Perfectly normal.

I Looked in the Box

Yup, there's gobos in there alright, and they aren't in Las Vegas. I'm just not going to think about it. They will leave my car the same way they got in, and that's that. (Even though my kids want to play with them.)

Who am I Kidding?

Every day I think that it would be nice if I were asleep by midnight. Yeah, right. That only happens if I can't keep my eyes open. Otherwise, I'm busy. Today I thought "yep, midnight tonight". Nope. I have stuff to write, laundry to do, and while both of those are going on, I'm gonna catch me some Robot Chicken on the TIVO. It's reSEARCH.

Weird Day

Yesterday I noticed a mysterious box in the back of my car. It is labeled "Hairspray Las Vegas Gobos". That's probably not good.

On the other hand, I caught a ball with my cleavage. My 3yo found it quite entertaining.

My Child is Crazy, but in a Good Way

My five-year-old is writing a book. It's about a guy who gets hit by lightning. It's a direct hit. All that's left is a scorch mark on the ground. His loved ones naturally assume that he was vaporized, but in reality, the lightning teleported him. So he's in the McDonald's in the next town, confused, and he's trying to get someone to pick him up, but they don't understand because they think he's dead. They think that "McDonald's in Milford" is the name of the place where dead people go. They figure it's a ghostly phone call from beyond the grave and just don't know what to make of it.

The illustrations are so adorable and hilarious.

There is but one punishment for setting alight the mando-shaped beacon...

Yes, that is my mandolin, shining atop Castle Anthrax. This is what I get for using Zoot as a screen name. Musicians are quite silly.

Happy Billy-Bob Everyone!

Once I dreamed that Thursday was changed to Billy-Bob. The rest of the days of the week were called the same thing that they are now, it's just Thursday that was changed. So I told some of my friends about that dream and they started using it. We'd have emails that said things like "Are you free for dinner on Tuesday? If not, I can do Billy-Bob too." It was weird. They got over it eventually. Every once in a while it creeps up on me though, so happy Billy-Bob.

They're Conspiring

This was a special goof that I did a while ago for Shannon, but I figured I might as well stick it here:

DENNIS: Okay, so you take down the big guy and I'll take the other one.

CRAIG: Why do I have to get the big guy?

DENNIS: You want the short chick, right?

CRAIG: Yeah.

DENNIS: Well guess which one she's married to.

CRAIG: Fuck!

DENNIS: Heh. Sucker.

CRAIG: You know, that other guy looks pretty big too. Especially compared to your skinny ass.

DENNIS: Yeah? You think you can take my skinny ass?

CRAIG: Yeah, I do. HEY! They're getting away! SHIT!

DENNIS: GODDAMMIT! HEY! HOT TAP DANCING CHICK! COME BACK!

CRAIG: Well, now what're we gonna do?

DENNIS: Okay, don't panic. Here's plan B. I come back on the show and you have Naked Week.

CRAIG: Ooh yeah, that'll get their attention. (rubs hands with evil glee)

I Give Up

Quite a while ago, as in six months to a year, (can't remember) I bought a carbon fiber bow. I have not yet gotten to try it out. It's reconditioned, so I don't know if it's got new hair or it was just cleaned, but in any case, it is completely clean, and I have spent an hour and a half trying to put rosin on it, and I still can't get any sound out of it. I only wanted to practice for a half hour or so. I have to get up relatively early tomorrow to get my kids where they need to be on time, otherwise I would stay up and conquer the damn thing! I remember going through this with my old bow. Grrrrr. Frustrating. On the plus side, Grandpa's mando sounds great.

Today's Meaningless Chatter

There are few activities (barring medical situations) that I find more unpleasant than changing strings. Mandolins have twice as many strings as fiddles. Yippee. So far, nothing has snapped and given me a major gash, but I do have two small cuts and some dents in my fingers. I think a little WD-40 might help. These are old pegs. At least they don't wind to the inside of the instrument. I have to say, whoever designed violins like that was just plain deranged. Well, four strings on, four to go. Then commence tuning. Ugh.

And my favorite conversation of the day-

3yo: Mom, are you going to die?
Me: Not at the moment.
3yo: When are you going to die?
Me: I don't know. Why?
3yo: Well, you're fat. You could die.
Me: I'm not fat.
3yo: You look fat.
Me: Gee thanks.
9yo: She's not fat, she just needs a better bra.
5yo: Yeah. She has big boobies, that's all. They make her look fat.

I just can't win today.

LOL!

Check this out. Not for the article, but for the picture that goes with it. I wonder if the person who put it up had any idea what he or she was looking at. I'm sure the photographer did. I'm starting to think I'd like L.A. It has its own charm.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18969221/

My Latest Joy

Why I Have a Harem

Because I know that at any given time, at least one of them will make me smile. I've been grumping around for the past day or two because of my aunt, who really needs to be smacked, but it wouldn't do any good because she's living in another dimension. Let's just say that it involves my grandfather's mandolin, a large sum of money, and me trying to function at an ungodly hour of the morning. Not a good thing, except that I'm FINALLY getting my grandfather's mandolin. So what did I find today? Check it people... I am NEVAH giving up the harem.

Cue the Bad 70's Music

I recently decided to check out another branch of our city's public library. I was a bit surprised when I walked in. The other libraries we go to are staffed with the usual ladies in sensible shoes, but this one was staffed by attractive young men. I wasn't sure if there was a hidden camera somewhere, maybe. One hottie in jeans leaned his nice biceps on the counter and asked "Hi, can I help you with something?" I wish I had been there with Bert or Jenda. They could have given him a much better answer than "Yes, would you please direct me to the children's section?" Not that I wasn't thinking it.

It's in the Genes

We were at the beach today, and my three-year-old son gave me a reminder that yep, he's my kid. He had found a rock that he liked and wanted to show me. Most kids his age would say "Ooh look! Pretty rock!", but not him. He said "Look mama! I found a piece of granite! It has a lot of mica! You can see it sparkling!" (he was correct, by the way) This was followed by him panicking because he couldn't find his sunglasses. He was very relieved when I informed him that he was wearing them.
He gets the smarts from both sides. The rest, well...I've given up being embarrassed. Life's too short and too busy. Hmm...too short, too busy, REMIND YOU OF ANYONE???? Hee hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Amused Horror

Today I saw a guy who looked just like Dirk Weems! There is nothing more to say. I'm still astounded. And somewhat blind. Oh my poor children.

Medical Entertainment

No, I don't mean CBS's new show Ghost Chimp M.D., I mean we were at the dermatologist yesterday and my daughter and I both were in hysterics over an ad for Botox. I was laughing because of the before and after pictures. The before one has a woman scrunching up her face and looking really angry. The after one has her looking normal and smiling a bit, though I'm guessing Botox doesn't let you smile much. Maybe she should just not scrunch up her face! My daughter was laughing because she thinks "Botox" sounds too close to "buttocks" and can't believe someone named their company that. Now I want a company named Buttocks.

She's a Natural

There are few things cuter than my 5yo daughter learning Samurai sword technique. It really beats the tutu thing, no contest!

I Frickin' Love the Internet!

Because where else would I have found this? And this?

It returns your lips to near-virgin condition!

The Shoes of Mirth!

Happy Mothers' Day. zzzzzzz...

There are days when I just never wake up. I think this is going to be one of them. It's 3:30 and I've done basically nothing. I haven't even dressed the little man yet. I hope I wake up enough to drive. I'm thinking that my children want to take me out to dinner tonight. Yeah. Yeah, they do. It would certainly be better than a plate-o-tatertots.

The Dangerous Power of Television

The Late Late Show insulted shrimp by excluding them from crab week. In retaliation, they attacked Craig Ferguson. First Craig, now the world, apparently. I'm so glad my medically complicated kid didn't eat the shrimp last night. I think they need to hire a new writer (Hint Hint) to help fix this crisis. Meanwhile, avoid the killer shrimp!

My life, my job, my curse, is to find shoes

I went shopping yesterday and today. Shopping can either be a triumph or a disaster. It was a little of both, but mostly good. All the kids have their summer shoes, FINALLY, after going to a million stores. I didn't do so well. Nothing yesterday, but I did find my very favorite nail polish ever, which I will probably use tonight. It's kind of the color of a blood clot. I find that a good pedicure really helps a writer. At least this writer.

Today I went to a store that had more than one pair of shoes that I actually wanted. I was so excited. So I asked for both in a 7 1/2. One was a size too big, one a size too small. Nice. Both 7 /12. Both the last pair. So I got the ones that were too big because I couldn't stop myself. They're black, slip-on sneakers with white, rubber toes and they have purple, white, and grey skulls all over them. That's right purple. Bonus- the skulls' eye sockets are heart-shaped. It's like they were designed for me. Except in the wrong frickin' size. My hips and back will punish me for this. Maybe that will force me back into my yoga. I also found the lip gloss of my dreams there for $1.29, so it's all good.

Now I need to reformulate my plan. I must obtain more shoes, but where? Hmmm...

Just Some Stuff

So the man is off and running again, and right on cue the little one has a runny nose and fever. I don't even question it anymore.

Is there anyone who isn't aware that tainted gluten has been used in regular human food? I mean, just because the FDA has been avoiding coming right out and saying it, and is taking little tiny baby steps towards admitting it, doesn't mean we just fell of the turnip truck. Gluten is gluten. Why would only certain types of companies buy from a cheap source? Duh.

Oh, and I think I found the solution to the Mystery of the Disappearing Forks. We had like service for 20 or something, and now we have four. The spoons and knives are still around. I figured out that it must be the paper plates. No, they're not eating the forks. I think the forks have gotten tossed in the garbage with the plates. Well, at least the kids are making an effort to be helpful and responsible. Now if only they weren't so spacey like their mommy. We got some new forks from IKEA, but they're cheap cafeteria forks and I just can't make myself put them in the fork compartment with the others. I put them off to the side with the oddball stuff. I really need to get over the fork anxiety.

Warning! Strong and Ranty Opinion Ahead!

I absolutely HATE the word "homeschooling". It implies that we sit at the table with the kids' noses in textbooks, parents in front of the chalkboard. Ugh. Bleah. No. My children are not schooled, and education does not happen by sitting within four walls, particularly the same ones all day, every day. If I believed in either of those things, I'd just send my kids to school! I much prefer the term "independently educated".

As for the people who wonder how I can possibly know if my children are learning what they should, well, if you can't tell who is educated and who is not, it probably says a lot more about you than about them. I wonder what "should" means too. I assume they mean what the government has decided they should learn, and when and how. Ah yes. We know how efficient the government is, especially when it comes to agencies and institutions. Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Let's put the government in charge of our kids' learning! Yeah! Jeez Louise. I honestly don't know what a kid of a particular age is governmentally determined to be taught. I know that my kids learn as much as they possibly can. They don't stop, They just keep going. They learn to their potential. You can't do better than that, so why do I need to know what our really crappy local school district thinks? I don't. For the record, I come from a family of public school educators who fully stand by my educating of my children. One was paid a lot of money as a special consultant to completely revamp a district's curriculum based on her observations of how my children learn as opposed to how traditionally schooled children learn. She didn't just revamp it, she threw it out and invented a whole new one.

Public education was concieved as a last resort for people who had no other choice. That's how it was intended to be used. That's fine. I agree that it should be there. I think it's utterly ridiculous that those of us who would actually use it that way are looked at as if we have three heads! Would I send my children to private school if I had the money? Maybe. It depends on the school. Most private schools are simply cushy versions of the public education model. Again, if I wanted my kids to sit in front of a chalkboard within the same building all day every day, I could do it for free in a public school.

I don't teach my kids much at all. They learn a ton. You can't stop a kid from learning. You can hold him back, or crush his love of learning, but you can't stop him. You can encourage and facilitate learning, but you don't cause it. It would almost be hubris to think so. I can only shake my head at the suggestion. For me, the proof of the pudding is in the tasting. When a woman in a museum points to your child, and comments to her companion that she can't believe they paid seven bucks apiece for their guided audio tour when they could just follow "that kid" for free because she "knows way more than this crappy museum guide", there's nothing left to say.

They Have to Hire Me Now

Because I've come up with the most fabulous idea they've ever had on television. I think that Hugh needs to be a guest on the LLS, and it should be Naked Week. Or they can just tell him it is. Whichever. Craig's considering it. He has to drop trou too. I would be happy to bake him a pie for his troubles.

A Short Craigspam, for Medicinal Purposes

Lost My Mojo

I can't get anything done. Nothing! The past two weeks have been worthless for me, other than dealing with my daughter's latest health crisis, which is a constant thing. No writing, no good cooking, no social life, no nothing. I feel stoned with or without my meds, except with them I have a slight headache and lean to the left. Being neurologically flavorful is no fun.

I have stuff to write, but can't get it together. Not at JT, not at the Acoustic Cafe. I made several attempts at knitting socks this month (a hint of foreboding) which all resulted in a ball of yarn that has been frogged five or six times and now has bad knitting juju. I put that aside for some cotton. I figured how complicated could a washcloth be? Argh. Mind you, I recently finished an aran sweater for my son. That's no small task. I should be able to knit a frickin' square with pretties in it. It's just not there for me right now. I don't know what to make of it.

I've kinda been running with scissors lately. Maybe this is the universal "you'll put someone's eye out" slowdown. Maybe I can't force my brain, but I'm still trying to force my fingers. Meanwhile, I can't even speak English. At least my kids have a clue what I'm saying and are used to me. Oh, and guess who is headed back to L.A. for "three weeks", which really means four, five, six, who knows?

Here I Sit

Not packing for our trip to PA tomorrow. All the clothes are packed, but I have to do meds and toiletries, which I can't do until after we're done using them in the morning, but still, I'm sure there's something I could be doing, like packing my purse/diaper bag. That's besides dishes and laundry. I might just knit and go to bed and then get up early. I'll move the laundry over, but I hold out no great hope for the dishes.

Meanwhile, I'm pondering the experience I had earlier this week. Never before have I heard death metal played on a digeridoo. My kidneys are still shaking.

I'm an Idiot.

So my special project commences tonight. I'm fairly confident about my work on it. The only thing that could blow it would be nerves. So guess what? I'm very nervous about being very nervous. I need to be smacked in the head.

"Special" Parenting Moment

This morning I was explaining to my daughter why it's important to be able to write well, and how it can make a difference between who gets chosen for a particular job, grant, school, etc. My 5yo chimed in.

5yo: Do you need to write to get a job picking up litter?

ME: No.

5yo: YAY!

I'm so done with this damned stomach virus! Let's see who's tougher against raw garlic! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, don't mess with me because I get crazy! Meanwhile, enjoy this lovely bit of juvenile humor:

I Just Don't Understand!

Why oh why is puking such a popular pastime with my children? WHY???

And why does a drug that is like cocaine to most people put me right to sleep? I'm so frustrated right now, you wouldn't believe. I'm forcing myself to be awake in case I have to hold a bucket under my 3yo's chin.

HAPPY SPRING!

Although my yard is still a tundra, happy first day of spring! We colored eggs today. Although I made a point of staying out of the kitchen while they were boiling, my daughter told me they were peeping again. LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!

We made really good bread nests too. I managed to save some for the Man of the House. I suppose tomorrow we'll go to the park for our annual egg chucking fest. I wish I had some Peeps.

BEST! SIDE-EFFECTS! EVER!!!!!!!!

I was reading Newsweek yesterday and I came across an advertisement for a drug that I can't remember the name of. It's for restless leg syndrome. Anyway, I was reading the side-effects (for amusement) and check it people- hypersexuality and compulsive gambling! I'm not kidding! Well, it will keep their legs from being restless as they cruise the casinos with hookers all night.

My Crazy Life

I just found my car on Consumer Reports "used cars to avoid" list. Yay for me! I'm also so PMS paranoid that I added brownie mix to my grocery order, even though I know I have a box in the pantry. I'm afraid it might not be enough.

But not to worry! I recieved in the mail, the answer to all my problems! That's right, you guessed correctly. I recieved a paper drawing of a hankerchief. It is annointed and blessed! Yes it's a BIBLE hankerchief! All I have to do is write on it the exact amount of money I would like to recieve or the exact amount of brownie mix if I like, put it under my bed with the SPECIAL SEALED PROPHECY that it came with, and the next day, mail it back. WTF? The insane writing all over the envelope was most entertaining.

We are NOT Amused!

A particular harem boy is in deep doodoo tonight. The previous post was just part of a bit that I wrote about the Lichtenstein/Switzerland thing. Yes, I mentioned the terrifying swiss army knives.

GUESS WHAT SAID HAREM BOY/LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST DID IN HIS MONOLOGUE?!!!!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! My children heard me howl. This is not the first time, either.

Look, harem boy, you either need to get the hell out of my brain or give me a job! Mistress is not pleased. Not pleased at all. You get to clean out the gutters now. Grrrrr.

WW III Narrowly Avoided

Switzerland recently invaded Lichtenstein by accident. They got about 2 km in before they realized it and turned around. Lichtenstein is TINY. I’m surprised that at 2 km, they hadn’t already crossed it! It’s barely noticeable.
“Um…”
“What?”
“I think we just stepped in Lichtenstein.”
“Eew!”
“No, it’s okay, it’s a country!”

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

Brought to you by Bruce Springsteen:

"Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims and strap your hands 'cross my engines"

Yeah. 'Nuff said.

I Crack Myself Up...

But I'm not going to tell you why because somehow I don't think you'll be laughing with me. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Feeling Better Today

But not quite better enough. Hmmm. What could cheer me up?

Wolverbutt!!!!!

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Shitteriffic Day

I guess there's not much more I need to add to that. Except FUCKIN' IPOD!!!!!

Speaks for Itself

Just Stuff

Last night I dreamed that I was at some kind of meeting and hadn't had breakfast. Someone kindly gave me a coffee. It was Starbucks. I spent the rest of my dream debating whether or not to drink it. I think that's because I have a stomach virus. Starbucks is pretty much the same thing, but without the chills and body ache.

And on an unrelated note, just a small peeve. Heather Mills didn't lose her leg in a motorcycle accident. That implies that she was riding one and crashed. No, she got hit by one when she was crossing the street. Maybe no big deal to anyone else, but different enough to me to be annoying.

Special Project

I'm working on one and it's moving along nicely, apart from it being literally freezing in the room where I mostly need to work on it. Some people don't believe I'm doing it, I'm sure. Some think I'm crazy (which would help anyway), but mostly people think it's great. Not sure what my husband thinks. He might not want to tell me. Anyway, I'm filled with squee over it and I'm not telling you what it is. Heh. Just that I need a babysitter and a pair of brass ovaries.

Things I Don't Really Need to Know About

I went through the drive-thru and the girl there had her tongue pierced. Whatever, no big deal, perfectly usual, except that attached to the stud was a chain with a ring on the end. It just hung out of her mouth and flopped around when she talked. WTF????? It doesn't look terribly decorative and I can't imagine what social statement it could possibly make other than "Duh", but I was trying not to gag. I mean, how could you not gag with that on? And wouldn't you drool a lot and it would all drip down the chain? This must be an incredible show of self-control or of deadened nerves. I'm going with number two.

And on the way home, I passed a salon that had a sign out front advertising "brow threading". What the hell is that?????? No, please don't tell me. Please. I don't want to know.

A Phrase That Should Not Exist

"Three-year-old, white boy hip-hop" and it sounds something like this:

My name iss
My name iss
Da woof is on fayuh!

I just don't know.

Breakfast OOPS

Do not take ritalin with twenty ounces of hot chocolate that is made with real dark chocolate. Not the usual sugary drek. REAL stuff. Full of bromides and caffeine. My stomach is vibrating now. I hope I don't gak. I bet the ritalin didn't even matter. I take a baby dose anyway. But I don't normally have caffeine. Bleah.

You Tube is Annoying Me

It seems to be tag-teaming with tne new Blogger to not let me post videos anymore even thought I changed to the appropriate info. Well, I'm trying a way around it and here goes, because you deserve to share in this classic moment of humiliation.

I've Discovered My Superpower

Really, I have. It always seemed normal to me so I never noticed it, but now I realize that I have never seen another human be able to do it. I have the uncanny ability to pour stuff into bottles without using a funnel and not making a mess. Really, I'm not kidding. Please don't hate and fear me. I'm just like you in every other respect. (assuming you are small and cranky and have big boobies)

Public Service Announcement

Fruit pie is breakfast food, not dessert. Have a nice day.

Special Moments in a Relationship

You know when you're dreaming that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you (or otherwise being an ass) and you wake up and you smack him? Ha. Then you're mad at him for the rest of the day. My poor husband has been suffering for dream husband's actions for twenty years now, bless him. Not funny, yet I can't stop laughing at it. I'm just terrible, aren't I?

Just Wondering

You know how there's always a class clown? I wonder how that works at Ringling Bros. Clown College?

Overheard this snippet of conversation...

...between two of my harem boys and I am TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP! They really said this:

CRAIG: Zombies like to eat human flesh.
JAMES: Who doesn't?

They just make me wonder sometimes. They might require more supervision.

Fifteen Seconds

Freakin' Blogger has changed to some Google thingie and now YouTube won't post videos for me. Anyway, here's a link for you.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pX5gRaxcviE

I usually can't SHUT UP for fifteen seconds and now suddenly I don't have a clue what I'd say! (except that it would probably be smilar to his idea.) The results should be interesting.

BLEAH!!!!!

Sudden headaches blow serious chunks! And sometimes they cause me to as well. I hope that doesn't happen because I ate a chili cheese dog for lunch. That would be most unpleasant. So is my head. Can someone please make my kids stop screaming? Thanks.

What I Learned This Christmas

I'm so excited because I discovered that if you have cake for breakfast, you don't need to put sugar in your coffee. It tastes the same. So now I know that sugarless coffee doesn't taste anywhere near as good, but it doesn't taste like gak either. I don't have to be desperate if I'm stranded on a desert island with no sugar for my coffee! That's so great. It's a holiday miracle.

Bloop

I do not know how I'm going to burn off all the festive foods, but I am NOT buying bigger clothes. Hell no. I was trying to get back to my smaller, nicer ones. I just might get myself a video game though, and make the rule that I can only play it standing up. It's an action game, so I might start jumping around like a maniac. X-Men. Yeah.

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by Ambien:

"The monkeys are circling my head. That means it's time to go to sleep."

Happy Solstice!

I hope every day brings a bit more sunshine into your lives. I also hope that whatever holiday you celebrate, it doesn't become the horrific sugarfest that ours did. Odin Claus was good to us. He brought me a tiny Wolverine that you put into a glass of water and it grows to six times its size. It came with tattoos and a little comic book. How does he always know?

Another thing about winter solstice is that it's the day the new "Harry Potter" titles are released. (The books get released at summer solstice) The final book is called "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". That sounds like a condition. "Ugh. I ate McDonald's today and now I have the deathly hallows. Bleah."

Happy winter everyone! Go easy on the cookies. They're deadlier than the nog!

It Just Makes Me Twitchy

Attention all illustrators, animators, advertisers, etc.! Look up! That is a reindeer! It is also known as a caribou. You will find them around the arctic circle. You might know that as the North Pole area. Santa's town.
This is a white tailed deer. It does NOT live in Santa's town. It lives down here with us mortal people, hurling itself at cars. NOT A REINDEER! Now just stop it already, will you?

Holiday Carnage

Monday we are going to slay a tree. Now I don't mind adopting one that's already been murdered, but I feel bad about killing one ourselves. My husband is the executioner, but I have final word on which life gets snuffed out. I feel like Pilate, with my children as the angry mob, and all those trees thinking "not me, not me..." When we cut a fresh one though, it doesn't get crispy right away like the precut ones do, so we opt for that when we can.

My daughter doesn't like trees to be cut down and has asked for a plastic one. I weighed the idea of a plastic tree vs. an eternal black stain on my soul, so we're off to the tree farm! I'm sorry, but plastic- just does not compute. That's like eating Tofurkey on Thanksgiving. It's so wrong that I'm afraid it could tear a hole in the space/time continuum.

Today's "They Don't Write 'Em Like They Used To" Lyrics

Brought to you by the Rolling Stones-

"I tried rewiring her. I tried refiring her. I think her engine is permanently stalled."

Heh. And coincidentally, they also bring us the "What the hell is he saying?" lyrics of the day-

"She was a side of beef sold in a market down in New Orleans"

Woohoo! Nobody Knows It!

Okay, so what songs do you enthusiastically sing when nobody's around? Of course you do, you know you do. Don't lie, I'm psychic and have ears in the back of my head. I know because my kids told me. So gimme your list. I wanna see! Here's my current list, in no particular order:

I Go to Rio
L-O-V-E
Strangers in the Night
Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
And my very favorite (yes I do both parts)...

Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
I couldn't if I tried! Aw honey if I get restless- Baby you're not that kind...

I just can't stop myself!

It's Different for My Species

My 8yo is reading a book about a girl who becomes a knight. My 5yo looked at the picture on the cover and asked if the girl was a child or an adult. My older daughter replied that she was nineteen, but she wouldn't really be all grown up until she was twenty. (oooookay) My little one was confused.

"Mom's EIGHTY and SHE'S not all grown up!" Mmmm hmmmm...

Death by GUUUUUUUUUUUUHH

I just found out that Craig Ferguson owns an Indian. The bike he spilled on was a Harley, and from the description, I'd say that he wasn't riding like an ass, he was riding a model that is very difficult to handle and has that reputation. Don't know why they even make them, other than Wolvie digs them. With this information, he has knocked me dead, right into a puddle of my own drool.

**For legal reasons pertaining to head harem boys and any potential future employment by Worldwide Pants, I did not write this post. It was an impostor. It couldn't have been me, as I am dead. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.**

Post-Holiday Tragedy Narrowly Avoided

CONNECTICUT, USA- A man was almost brutally murdered this morning when his wife was foraging for breakfast in her morning haze and was unable to locate the last piece of pumpkin pie, leading her to believe that he had thrown it out. Just as she began turning into the Incredible Hulk, she found that he had simply shoved it behind a large bag of chicken cutlets and all was well.

When asked to comment, the man, who asked to remain anonymous, replied that he was completely unaware of the danger that had been looming over him at that time, though he has always suspected that such a thing was possible. "For safety's sake, I really should make it a point to put the sippy cup valves in with the holes down so that she doesn't have to dig out dishwasher crap before giving a drink to the baby." He then shuddered.

When his wife was asked to comment, she said "I think I need to relax more".

Shopping Safety Tips!

I was reading on a forum recently and a woman was saying how close she had been to marrying her boyfriend when she got a "sign from above" that saved her from a terrible mistake. She said she had thought he was wonderful, but the gift he gave her for Christmas showed "the real him". Yeah, I think it did, but I'm pretty sure that he was the one who dodged a bullet that day.

See, she expected fancy jewelery or something, but he gave her a roadside emergency kit. She thought that was thoughtless and cold. I see it completely differently. To me that says "I really love you and don't want to lose you, and if I can't be with you to protect you all the time, maybe this can help." Fancy jewelery says to me, "I got it 'cause I figured that's what chicks like." Now, if it were unusual jewelry that was obviously her style and not at all mainstream, I'd imagine some thought went into that and that would be nice. However, if my guy felt the need to get me something shiny and expensive, I'd hope he knew me well enough to realize that that's why She made Harley Davidson.

Guys, give what your heart says to, and if she doesn't like it, find a better woman. Really, women like the one who complained give the rest of us a bad reputation. Then the generalizations start. I hate those. I don't fit most of them and neither do the women I'm close friends with. I have noticed, though, that we have quite lovely men who adore us, while the foofy girls are either still looking or working their way through a chain of losers. Not that I've felt terribly festooned lately...

Hmmmph.

The past couple of weeks have been really awful. Life is kicking my butt and I've been exhausted. It seems to be winding down and looking up now and I've been able to breathe before the next wave hits. To cheer myself, and I think I've earned it, here's a look at my harem boys, past, present, and on the waiting list. No particular order. As usual, Wolvie understands just how I feel and has portrayed it beautifully. Anthony is trying his best to get in, waaving that doughnut at me. He's pretty slick.

Thank Your Lucky Stars

Literally. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have that moon in Cancer, I'd have killed us all by now. It's not that I don't need the temperance with the sun in Leo and a Scorpio ascendant, but it makes for a strange combination sometimes. I'm the warm, nurturing maternal figure who likes to bake muffins and knit things for my loved ones. AND IF ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE THEIR MUFFINS, I WILL RIP THE BASTARD'S THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH!!!!!! Yeah. Raven and her deadly spatula. I only just realized where that came from. Interesting. Makes me a little giggly, actually. I'm so silleh.

Frustrated and Annoyed Snarly Grumble

I'm starting to suspect that Stamps.fuck is closely related to AOHell.

What Hell is Like

This morning I was trying to eat my breakfast but there were five sparrows sitting outside my window, all in a line, looking at me forlornly as the stood next to their empty bird feeder. They just stared at me as I tried to not feel guilty about having warm toast indoors while they fluffed out their feathers for insulation. I felt like I shoud drown myself in my coffee. My only saving thought was that the feeder tray was in the dishwasher being sterilized because Mr. Squirrel had knocked it into a puddle of slime and algae. They now have two full feeders so that I can go guilt-free for the next couple of days. At least they don't cry like cats and dogs do.

Sayin' it Loud and Sayin' it Proud!

I like stinky cheese! And fruitcake! I am not ashamed!

What Famous Leader Am I?

Oh good golly Miss Molly.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well, yeah, but let's just say I use my powers for good instead of evil. Why couldn't they say I'm like Captain America?

A Tribute to Donald Rumsfeld

We hardly knew ye.

Random Crap

I really like butter. It's one of the best foods ever.

My computer hates Comedy Central. Either that or Comedy Central hates my computer. When I go there, it closes my browser. This is strange and mysterious.

My friend, Elisa is evil. She knows it and is proud. Her latest evil deed is to inform me of a chocolate cafe near her, which is over an hour away from me, but I will go there and overindulge with her. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that I will have to go there repeatedly. She is very evil.

I have a terrible craving for California rolls. Dangit. Fortunately, there is an Asian market near me. Alas, Peapod does not have nori. I'll have to mention it. My husband works in Midtown Manhattan. There is nothing he can't get. Yet my cravings frequently go unchecked. That's wronger than wrong. If I recall, it was part of our ceremonial vows. "I will swing by The Little Pie Company, Neuhaus, or any other purveyors that might provide for your gastronomic needs for as long as I shall work in Manhattan." "You may now french the daylights out of the bride."

Knitting Makes You Fat?

Somebody said that. They said it's because it's a sedentary activity. Now, I suppose that if you have stopped all your marathon running and lap swimming to sit and knit, that could be so, but for me, I no longer eat in front of the tv because I'm busy knitting, and I can get a bit obsessive when I'm working on something as well, so sometimes I don't even eat all my meals. When I'm sitting in all the doctor/therapist/kids' classes waiting rooms, I'm using my hands instead of staring at those mind-numbing magazines.

I've lost about ten pounds since I've really gotten into it. I love it when my doc asks me what my weight maintenance plan is. He should know not to ask by now, but maybe he does it for the entertainment factor. "Well, I went and had one more kid than I can really handle, so I just burn everything off with stress and constant struggle." "I've taken up knitting." He just loves me. I think I'm going to give up soda. That will blow his mind.

Yes, He Really Said This

2yo: I go to gym class with my daddy!

Grandma: Oh that sounds like fun. What do you and Daddy do in your gym class?

2yo: Play with our big balls!

But it's true

My 8yo just told me why books are better than cookies. Not only do they last longer, but they are reusable. To reuse a cookie, you have to barf first. That's just delightful.

Healthy Breakfast

Coconut is a fruit right? And almonds are good for you. So if I eat a couple of Almond Joys, it's like granola or something, right? Sure it's an okay breakfast. I'm going with that.