IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

I have just mopped the floor.

Please, everyone, calm down! Go back to your homes and for god's sake, no looting!

I Hate Alarm Clocks

The alarm went off in the middle of a nice dream. I was a princess and I was running away to marry Wolverine because I had the bag of holy potatoes. See, if the princess announces her engagement, she has to open the bag of holy potatoes and if the angels are happy, you know she's marrying the true and rightful prince. But like in all the fairytales, the wicked queen refuses to serve the holy potatoes, which must be eaten at the family's Sunday dinner for the guy to become prince. No, she wants the Idaho ones. King Dad (played by Tim Allen) was like, "THEY'RE JUST FUCKIN' POTATOES!" So anyway, the potato angels were very happy with Wolvie, so I took the damn potatoes and left. I figured we'd just eat them ourselves. Mashed, with plenty of buttah. Queen Mom was shocked and distraught, but whatever. Then the alarm went off before I could ride away on the Harley. Now that's just wrong. Wolverine's lips were soft. Mmmmmm.

I'm Such a Dork

I don't really like Ben Affleck, but he played Daredevil and now he's engaged to Jennifer Garner, who played Elektra. I think that's so cool. Daredevil and Elektra! Of course, they didn't actually go through with the wedding in the comic books, and somehow, I don't see Ben following through on this either. But it's damn cute!

Words of Masculine Wisdom

My husband said:
"Whatever they make purses out of, they should use it to make trucks so you could just keep putting stuff in them...It's a stagehand's dream!"

Bloggerbot Angst

Why is Blogspot becoming evil? It won't let me write in colors. Now it makes me put new links in a different font, even though I used the EXACT same html codes. Why why WHY?????

I think I found the problem here m'am. The compressor is shot. I can order you a new one. It takes about a week...

Modern Technology

We got a new phone yesterday. It has audible caller ID so I don't have to try to get up to see when I'm taking care of the baby. When Brian calls home, it yells "It's the man of the house calling!" That's the only one we've set so far. I think for my dad, it will say "Blah blah blah blah" and for my brother, "WARNING! THERE ARE MONKEY BOYS ON THE PREMISES!" Don't know what I'll put for my mother or my best friend. It has two really loud ringers that go off at the same time. I have no idea why, but it sounds like I live in a firehouse. We really need to change that before I beat it to smithereens and throw it out the window.

Interesting Day

I started out by dreaming about cake. It was my birthday soon and I was deciding what kind of cake to make. I thought of Donna's hazelnut jobbie and really wanted that. I realized that for MY birthday, I didn't have to make a cake that was safe for my daughter. I could use eggs and butter and she just didn't have to eat it. So my mission became to find a good recipe for hazelnut frosting. Then, suddenly, I was in a competition. My assistant passed me a layer with a sheet of fondant draped over it. I tried to stretch it and smooth it down but it was slipping all over the place. He went to fix it and completely mangled the cake, which made my head pop off, but then when I saw why, I let him have it. He hadn't put on any frosting first, so it didn't stick. I smacked him with my spatula a few times and screamed that if he ever came near any of my cakes again, I'd break off all his fingers and shove them up his ass. Then I noticed a very shocked mother and son who were watching the competition. Oopsie. Well, you know these temperamental chefs. So I woke up thinking about cake, and what I might make for my birthday.

After lunch, I went and got my belly button pierced. I went to a really nice place in New Haven. They had a big waiting area with nice leather couches and a big TV (which was playing some soap opera). The piercer was so nice and he had three kids too. Turns out he was a big X-Men fan and when I mentioned the tattoo I'd like to get, he and the tattoo guys went mental. They said they had never done one but would love to because it was so cool. The piercer guy went and got a big glossy book of Marvel character drawings to show me. He was like a little kid. The tattoo guys were asking if I was going to get it. I said I had to find the right picture first, which I've been trying to do forever now. They were pretty excited. I go back in two weeks for it to be checked.

Anyway, nursing Angus with the belly button thing is quite a trick. So far, I've managed to convince him each time that the shiny new thing isn't really that interesting, but he also likes to wrestle, so ow. And yeah, ow. Ow. But it will be better soon. Some of my friends had an interesting reaction. They all said they wished they had a nice belly worthy of decoration. Good lord! Mine is trashed from the three kids. Completely wrecked! So what? I'm not going around showing it in public. I like to wear nice undies too, but I don't wonder first if the general population would like my big fat ass so maybe I should just wear white granny pants! I've never met anyone who deliberately chooses ugly clothes because they don't think they're pretty enough or thin enough to be worthy of wearing something attractive. Jeez Louise! Forget what your belly looks like. YOU are worthy of decoration!

The Planets Have Aligned

I finally got my violin bow rehaired. I finally got my belly button pierced (yes, of course it hurt but not as much as getting a needle in your spine), and after eight years, I finally painted the living room. (Now I have to figure out what to do with the couch, and in another eight years I can put up curtains) My writer's block is gone and I'm sewing again. Ah, blessed relief. Now if only Blogspot would let me write in blue.

Allergy Season Brings Tragedy

I was still sort of sleeping this morning when my daughter came in screaming "Mommy! What's happening to my nose???!!!" I looked at her and her nose didn't seem to be doing anything but sitting on her face like usual. I asked her what was wrong with her nose. She claimed (all panicky) that it was shrinking. I'm totally serious. I just didn't know what to say. I asked what she was talking about. She then told me (and demonstrated) that her finger no longer fits! Good lord, where did I go wrong?

Family Secrets

3yo: Mom, why is Grandpa crazy?

Me: Because when he was five, he fell down the basement stairs in Wilmington, Delaware and hit his head and was never the same since. (my grandmother's actual explanation)

3yo: Oh.

7yo: He's not crazy crazy, he's just a nut.

The Greatest TV Show Ever!

http://www.spiketv.com/shows/series/index.jhtml?seriesID=13720&refID=invasioniowa

Hey kids, do yourself a favor and watch this if it runs again. Oh my. I sat horrified, yet laughing my ass off. Really, I could not believe the crap they pulled on these people. William Shatner is either a brilliant actor or a sick bastard. Probably both. I couldn't stop watching this. It was like a horrible accident, but hilarious! I have to get myself a shat. I can't stop thinking of him yelling at his assistant "I WILL SMITE YOU!" It was his motivational tape. Oh man. Go to the website and watch the fake movie they made.

"I've never heard such hogworsh!"

"Rima's butt is so magnificent!"

Of course that's what he was saying. That's why Kristin posted it and I stole it from her. My daughter doesn't believe that's what he was saying. I asked her what else he could possibly be saying and she said "Hello Mr. Hand. Hello Miss Hand".

Hmmm. Hugh and Craig seemed to have achieved the previously impossible. I think they need better supervision when I'm out. Well, at least he's found employment.