All Done Until Next Year!

Well, we're back and the kids brought in quite a haul. It was enough for Mommy to take a hefty cut. Our neighborhood was much friendlier this year and there were actually no people who irritated me. Did you hear me? NO PEOPLE WHO IRRITATED ME! I'm savoring the moment. I feel so old and crabby. Perfect for answering the door on Halloween.

I normally gear up for Halloween and love it. I just have a hard time wrangling three little monkeys all by myself. I'm out of fire wood, which sucks, because I need to send tasty treats to the otherworld for my ancestors and loved ones who have died. I can't leave them outside because Mr. Squirrel will eat himself sick. I didn't even get pumpkins this year! I did try, but they kept being out of them and I wasn't paying thirty bucks apiece at the pumpkin farm. No way. But that's okay. Tomorrow is lunch at Paula's, and hopefully she'll have some firewood. I can tell the children the story of the wedding of Persephone and Hades. (though of course, I forgot to buy a pomegranate)

Now all I have to do is keep the kids from eating all the candy tonight.

Dangers of Late Night Television

You know when you stay up too late and your brain begins to go goofy on you? I thought that was happening to me last night. I was watching tv and suddenly remembered that I needed to dash off a note to someone. Since the tivo was getting it, I went to take care of it in the other room but I left the tv on. Then I heard strange sounds. It sounded completely unreal. I was almost afraid to look but I peeked around the doorway and there it was. Stephen Colbert was singing a duet with Barry Manilow. My brain said to me, and I quote, "yeahbuhwhaa?" I wish I had been given some warning. It's still on tivo and I'm going to actually watch it tonight. I'm sure that it will be great now that I know it's not some weird trippy situation.

Gearing Up for Tomorrow

I hate taking my kids trick-or-treating. I don't mind tagging along when my husband is in charge because I can just shut off my brain. Alas, he is working and is unavailable. My neighborhood sucks for it too. This is my son's first year though, and we'll see if the professional coaching provided by his two big sisters pays off for him. I'm sure that by tomorrow night, I'll have a rant. One that goes beyond freezing my buttocks off and having to carry home a kid who didn't want to stop because he wasn't tired, until he got far enough away to not be able to walk home. Yeah, looking forward to that. :P

It Makes Me a Tad Uncomfortable

I noticed that when the computer boots up, it has something called "asus probe". I would really like an option to click "no thank you". I would feel much better about it. I assume that it's either a security feature or some kind of porn thing. I never know what the harem boys are putting on the computer.

Not So Good for Our Image

If I witness one more homeschooler use the word "curriculums", my mind is going to snap. Bonus snappage if it's one who does classical homeschooling, whose kids have to study Latin. Restrain me.

We Can All Relax Now

Starbucks has announced plans to double their number of stores. I know you were all worried, as was I, that there were not enough Starbucks around. There are only two in my local mall, and only having them every couple of blocks in the city is just a sprinkling really. Thank goodness they are alleviating the problem, which has been in the forefront of all our worries as individuals and as a country. I do hope they're putting some in Africa because they do need help there. Who needs food and medicine when you can have a four-dollar cup of crap?

Pictures from the incredibly twisted but fabulous "The Prestige"

Don't you just love Bowie's wonky-colored eyes? I stared at them the whole time he was on. So freaky and cool.

Spooning My Eyes Out

So I didn't get to go to Boston last weekend. I was really down about it, but moved along. Today I find out that after his Boston gig, Craig Ferguson was DOWN HERE! Less than an hour away from me! He did a show right nearby where I could have just gotten a babysitter and gone! POOP! So now I'm bummed all over again.

But Hugh Jackman's new movie is awesome and he does have the obligatory shirtless scene as well. Go see it. Your brain will hurt but it will be happy. As long as you don't have a drowning phobia. I had a little problem with that, but I'll get over it eventually, assuming I don't have nightmares about the movie the rest of my life. Michael Caine rocked. David Bowie rocked. Christian Bale was fabulous. Go see it. "The Prestige". Good shit. Oscar worthy.

Juvenile Delinquents

Yesterday, we were at my daughter's weekly Spanish class at the library. It went unusually long this week, and they announced that it was close to closing time. My daughter said we had to hurry and I told her that maybe they'd close and turn off the lights and go home and lock the doors and we'd be stuck there all night alone! She only looked panicked for about half a second before the big grin happened and she said that would be cool. Yeah, it would. So we started coming up with ideas of what we'd do if that happened. The best ones are hers.

The first and obvious activity of the evening would be to run around the library yelling, and nobody could shush us. Then we'd each take a floor and flush the toilets at the same time. We could use the PA system to announce subway stops and call the manager to the meat department. Those were my lame ideas, but she laughed uproariously at them. She decided that we should nail or glue all the tables, chairs, bookcases, etc. upside-down to the ceiling. We should also make signs to put in various places, like on the door "automatic door- to operate, say 'please'". We'd put an "out of order" sign on the stairs, and a "horse parking" sign somewhere as well and of course "watch for low-flying airplanes". She wanted to paint a wall to look like a corridor with a pool at the end and put a sign saying "this way to pool". Of course, we'd have to come back the next day to see all the fun. Especially the people walking into the wall on the way to the pool and the traffic jam at the door with everyone yelling "please" at it.

She wanted to hide in the bathroom and see if we could actually get locked in for the night. She figured we'd just call my husband and let him know and it would be fine. Thankfully, I did not give in to the childish temptation that lurks within me, waiting to cause chaos at any moment. It's not that I haven't, but I temper it safely, like the rare pie and popcorn dinner. I fear that in the coming years, with my kids getting older, the temptation will be greater. We get it from my dad. He died at the age of 63 or 5, depending on who you ask. Now that he's dead, he'll probably be whispering in our brains and encouraging our behavior. At least when he was alive, I could hang up or put a hand over his mouth. I think we're just doomed now. Dang.

My Lot in Life

Yesterday I baked brownies. This afternoon there was about a quarter of a 9x13 pan left, which my 2yo managed to scarf down in record time when nobody was looking. My husband found this very amusing. Know why? Because I am not in Boston. I'm at home. This means that my husband is not at home. He is at work. Guess which one of us had to deal with the chocolate turbo puke in three different rooms? I'll give you a hint. It's the one who is NOT amused.

I Don't Get it.

My daughter was watching "Dora the Explorer." She kept exclaiming about the red chicken. "Why would a chicken be red like that? That's crazy!" But she doesn't question the purple squirrel with the serape who drives a car, the blue bull, etc. Maybe her planet is different.

Disappointment Sucks

I'm supposed to be on a train to Boston right now, headed to a lovely two days of standup comedy, food food food, and having immediate responsibility for nobody but myself. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen and some somewhat foreseen circumstances, I'm home. Craig won't be signing my book, I won't be eating lobster ravioli and I'm stuck dealing with strep times five. Well, I hope Craig has a nice trip and gets his ass back to the NE at a time when I can actually see the show. Poopy.

Travels With a Five-Year-Old

I took Stevie to Chinatown today. Her first train ride, her first subway ride. She had a ball from the minute we left the house. She had been insisting that we have dumplings. We must have dumplings. So we went down to Dim Sum Go Go for lunch, where she proceeded to unwrap the dumplings and eat only the stuffing. My dog used to do that. Stevie didn't lick the inside of the wrapper though. She's such a goof. We had some pork pies, which were in sweet pastry and were sugared inside as well. Very yummy and she ate it down to one end, declaring that it was very good and then suddenly she didn't like it. There was maybe one bite left. She said "I only like the front". There was no front! It was just a little fried pastry! She did the same with the sesame balls, which were yummy too.

Then we went to the Chinatown Ice Cream Factory where they make all kinds of exotic flavors as well as the standard ones. It is a tiny shop and it was jam-packed. They were very busy. They got to us and I asked her what kind of ice cream she wanted and she said "blue". Well, I pretty much choked then. I just didn't know what to do. I said "Blue???? Please tell me a normal kind" and the lady said "We have that." I said "What?" She said "Blue ice cream". Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I was stunned once more. So I ordered a scoop of blue on a cone. Stevie was halfway done before she knew what it was. Blueberry. I caught a drip with my spoon and tasted it. We stood out leaning on a barber pole while we ate and people-watched. It was nice.

We bought fans for her and the other two monkeys and then headed back up to midtown to the big Toys R Us. So we go in, and about twenty feet from the door we nearly walked right into this family who was posing for a picture for some reason. It was not a photo op spot like in front of the ferris wheel or in front of the dragon or whatever. It was in front of the door. WTH? So an employee was taking their picture and I heard him say "Say cheese" and something evil whispered in my ear because I became "that guy". Yes, that's right. There's a nice Hasidic family who has a lovely memory of their visit with my big, stupid, grinning face right between mom and dad. They didn't even know I was there. Heh.

You know, I have walked 42nd street countless times in my life and never knew that in front of the Conde Nast building there's a fairy sidewalk. I always thought it was just a stretch of pavement with lots of mica in it, but I guess it's never too late to get an education. I'm glad Stevie told me. I've been ignorant all my life. I feel so foolish.

EDIT: Jenda just told me that those photos cost $25 because they are displayed on their giant screen in Times Square. I am not only a jerk, but I'm a famous jerk! Yay for me!

I'm Terribly Juvenile

My daugher and I went to the Late Late Show's website and there was a thing there to email the show. Weeellllll, let's just say that we considered it a challenge. So we put our return email address in as dork@kickme.net (her brilliant suggestion) and wrote the following:

Dear Craig,
Is your refrigerator running?

xoxo

Al Kaholic


My daughter was giggling and said "Oh my god, we are such jerks." I love her.

Enjoy your coffee quickly and then get the hell out!

It really irritates me when people say "expresso" when they mean "espresso". It's like "nucular". It makes me want to slap them.

Oh, and I don't want a customer service representative to be with me momentarily. I want him or her to be with me for as long as I require! Twits. TWITS!

I'm betting that a lot of these people are the same ones who complain that a person fresh off the boat can't speak English. So what's their excuse then? I think they need to be poked with a sharp stick. By me. During PMS. Yeah.

Just Because

Cue Evil Laughter

For the past couple of days, I've been telling my kids that we'll make cookies. Each day, something has ocurred to prevent that. Today I finally had the mixer going and it was time to add the vanilla, but I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it anywhere. I began to panic (come on, you know I'm not the only one who panics when the vanilla has gone MIA) and as I usually do when I panic, I decided to call my husband and ask him if he'd seen it.

He said that he hadn't seen it since a couple of weeks ago and that it had been on top of the pantry cabinet. Now, I'm no fool. I've been with him for twenty years and I know I've learned a thing or two in that time. There's no way his man-eyes would have noticed a bottle of vanilla extract unless he was using it. I remembered he made vanilla oatmeal for the kids. My conclusion is that he used it up and didn't tell me. This is bad. Very bad.

His closing remark was "It's somewhere. Good luck. Bye."

Oh no sir. Good luck to YOU.