Death by GUUUUUUUUUUUUHH

I just found out that Craig Ferguson owns an Indian. The bike he spilled on was a Harley, and from the description, I'd say that he wasn't riding like an ass, he was riding a model that is very difficult to handle and has that reputation. Don't know why they even make them, other than Wolvie digs them. With this information, he has knocked me dead, right into a puddle of my own drool.

**For legal reasons pertaining to head harem boys and any potential future employment by Worldwide Pants, I did not write this post. It was an impostor. It couldn't have been me, as I am dead. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.**

Post-Holiday Tragedy Narrowly Avoided

CONNECTICUT, USA- A man was almost brutally murdered this morning when his wife was foraging for breakfast in her morning haze and was unable to locate the last piece of pumpkin pie, leading her to believe that he had thrown it out. Just as she began turning into the Incredible Hulk, she found that he had simply shoved it behind a large bag of chicken cutlets and all was well.

When asked to comment, the man, who asked to remain anonymous, replied that he was completely unaware of the danger that had been looming over him at that time, though he has always suspected that such a thing was possible. "For safety's sake, I really should make it a point to put the sippy cup valves in with the holes down so that she doesn't have to dig out dishwasher crap before giving a drink to the baby." He then shuddered.

When his wife was asked to comment, she said "I think I need to relax more".

Shopping Safety Tips!

I was reading on a forum recently and a woman was saying how close she had been to marrying her boyfriend when she got a "sign from above" that saved her from a terrible mistake. She said she had thought he was wonderful, but the gift he gave her for Christmas showed "the real him". Yeah, I think it did, but I'm pretty sure that he was the one who dodged a bullet that day.

See, she expected fancy jewelery or something, but he gave her a roadside emergency kit. She thought that was thoughtless and cold. I see it completely differently. To me that says "I really love you and don't want to lose you, and if I can't be with you to protect you all the time, maybe this can help." Fancy jewelery says to me, "I got it 'cause I figured that's what chicks like." Now, if it were unusual jewelry that was obviously her style and not at all mainstream, I'd imagine some thought went into that and that would be nice. However, if my guy felt the need to get me something shiny and expensive, I'd hope he knew me well enough to realize that that's why She made Harley Davidson.

Guys, give what your heart says to, and if she doesn't like it, find a better woman. Really, women like the one who complained give the rest of us a bad reputation. Then the generalizations start. I hate those. I don't fit most of them and neither do the women I'm close friends with. I have noticed, though, that we have quite lovely men who adore us, while the foofy girls are either still looking or working their way through a chain of losers. Not that I've felt terribly festooned lately...

Hmmmph.

The past couple of weeks have been really awful. Life is kicking my butt and I've been exhausted. It seems to be winding down and looking up now and I've been able to breathe before the next wave hits. To cheer myself, and I think I've earned it, here's a look at my harem boys, past, present, and on the waiting list. No particular order. As usual, Wolvie understands just how I feel and has portrayed it beautifully. Anthony is trying his best to get in, waaving that doughnut at me. He's pretty slick.

Thank Your Lucky Stars

Literally. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have that moon in Cancer, I'd have killed us all by now. It's not that I don't need the temperance with the sun in Leo and a Scorpio ascendant, but it makes for a strange combination sometimes. I'm the warm, nurturing maternal figure who likes to bake muffins and knit things for my loved ones. AND IF ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE THEIR MUFFINS, I WILL RIP THE BASTARD'S THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH!!!!!! Yeah. Raven and her deadly spatula. I only just realized where that came from. Interesting. Makes me a little giggly, actually. I'm so silleh.

Frustrated and Annoyed Snarly Grumble

I'm starting to suspect that Stamps.fuck is closely related to AOHell.

What Hell is Like

This morning I was trying to eat my breakfast but there were five sparrows sitting outside my window, all in a line, looking at me forlornly as the stood next to their empty bird feeder. They just stared at me as I tried to not feel guilty about having warm toast indoors while they fluffed out their feathers for insulation. I felt like I shoud drown myself in my coffee. My only saving thought was that the feeder tray was in the dishwasher being sterilized because Mr. Squirrel had knocked it into a puddle of slime and algae. They now have two full feeders so that I can go guilt-free for the next couple of days. At least they don't cry like cats and dogs do.

Sayin' it Loud and Sayin' it Proud!

I like stinky cheese! And fruitcake! I am not ashamed!

What Famous Leader Am I?

Oh good golly Miss Molly.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well, yeah, but let's just say I use my powers for good instead of evil. Why couldn't they say I'm like Captain America?

A Tribute to Donald Rumsfeld

We hardly knew ye.

Random Crap

I really like butter. It's one of the best foods ever.

My computer hates Comedy Central. Either that or Comedy Central hates my computer. When I go there, it closes my browser. This is strange and mysterious.

My friend, Elisa is evil. She knows it and is proud. Her latest evil deed is to inform me of a chocolate cafe near her, which is over an hour away from me, but I will go there and overindulge with her. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that I will have to go there repeatedly. She is very evil.

I have a terrible craving for California rolls. Dangit. Fortunately, there is an Asian market near me. Alas, Peapod does not have nori. I'll have to mention it. My husband works in Midtown Manhattan. There is nothing he can't get. Yet my cravings frequently go unchecked. That's wronger than wrong. If I recall, it was part of our ceremonial vows. "I will swing by The Little Pie Company, Neuhaus, or any other purveyors that might provide for your gastronomic needs for as long as I shall work in Manhattan." "You may now french the daylights out of the bride."

Knitting Makes You Fat?

Somebody said that. They said it's because it's a sedentary activity. Now, I suppose that if you have stopped all your marathon running and lap swimming to sit and knit, that could be so, but for me, I no longer eat in front of the tv because I'm busy knitting, and I can get a bit obsessive when I'm working on something as well, so sometimes I don't even eat all my meals. When I'm sitting in all the doctor/therapist/kids' classes waiting rooms, I'm using my hands instead of staring at those mind-numbing magazines.

I've lost about ten pounds since I've really gotten into it. I love it when my doc asks me what my weight maintenance plan is. He should know not to ask by now, but maybe he does it for the entertainment factor. "Well, I went and had one more kid than I can really handle, so I just burn everything off with stress and constant struggle." "I've taken up knitting." He just loves me. I think I'm going to give up soda. That will blow his mind.

Yes, He Really Said This

2yo: I go to gym class with my daddy!

Grandma: Oh that sounds like fun. What do you and Daddy do in your gym class?

2yo: Play with our big balls!

But it's true

My 8yo just told me why books are better than cookies. Not only do they last longer, but they are reusable. To reuse a cookie, you have to barf first. That's just delightful.

Healthy Breakfast

Coconut is a fruit right? And almonds are good for you. So if I eat a couple of Almond Joys, it's like granola or something, right? Sure it's an okay breakfast. I'm going with that.

Feeling Kinda Blah Tonight

Feeling a little blue, quite tired, need to go to bed. I'm having a cup of coffee first (decaf) to warm me up and soothe me a bit. I could really use some cheesy goodness. By this, I don't mean zombie movies or Star Trek. I mean Cheetos or Doritos. I think my body is trying to counteract all the Halloween candy.

Naughty Little Donkey!

One of my harem boys has been an awful tease and needs to be spanked. Oh he knows who he is. Wait until he finds out that I'm going to have Wolvie administer it instead of me. Heh heh. That will teach him to behave.