Twisted Cartoons

Why do cartoon characters wear gloves? I don't understand. Bugs Bunny doesn't wear anything else. Was he raised by a table dancer or something? Then there's Porky Pig, who wears gloves and a shirt, but no pants. I don't even want to think about that. Maybe they're covering something. As if having four fingers wasn't freaky enough. If they're covering up some kind of horrid skin condition on top of that, I am grateful for being spared. And hey, how come Goofy walks upright, talks, and wears clothes, but Pluto doesn't? Was he a lab animal? Does the AKC know about him? It boggles the mind. Well, mine anyway.

Oh Those Keebler Elves

Yesterday was solstice eve. I made a nice dinner and my mom visited. I made baked alaska for dessert. My mom, who is culinarily retarded, once had it on a cruise, maybe twenty-five years ago, and was filled with wonder. All that time, she's wanted someone to make it for her. I don't know why it never occurred to me to do it. She just can't fathom baking ice cream. I tried to explain it to her once but she stopped me and said not to ruin the magic for her. Ooookay. So anyway, I surprised her and she was thrilled and took pictures. She never expected that a mere mortal could ever do this. Then she finally asked me to explain it to her and I did and it just did not compute. She said you can't bake ice cream. So I told her it's elven magic. That she accepts.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
What I really, REALLY want this year is my friggin' birthday gift which I was supposed to get six months ago and my mother already paid for!!!!!!!! Send a couple of your less reputable elves to break into the Neil Simon theatre. That's where my fiddle is being held prisoner. Have them bust it out and take it to the luthier. ANY luthier at this point! I don't care! Just get that damn bow rehaired and the bridge and soundpost checked! YOU HEAR ME SANTA?????? You need some elves who can hack. Tell them to access our checking account and there they will find my birthday money, waiting to go to the luthier! Oh and let's not forget that the change goes to Shelton tattoo! There's a sparkly, dangly little star with my belly button's name on it, and it's been mighty patient! YOU HEAR THAT SANTA????? MIGHTY PATIENT!!!!!!! That patience is waning! If I don't get this by christmas day, I will GO WOLVERINE ON YOU!!!!! ARE YOU READING THIS SANTA?????? Oh, and if I don't get it, don't think you'll be getting much from MRS. Santa either! Yeah, we know how to hold things hostage too! I suggest you get right on it pal, or it's gonna be a long, cold winter!

Blessed Yule,
Rima

Coffee

I recently saw part of an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker. She said that before she and her husband fall asleep, they think "Tomorrow when I wake up, I'm going to have coffee and it's going to be great. I'm going to use the yellow cup." I thought I was the only one! What wonderful people they are to come out publicly. Now I don't feel so alone. Now those of us who didn't have the courage before can come out as a bedtime coffee thinker. Only I don't have a yellow cup. I think about the gigantic glass one that Paula gave me, because Paula knows these things. She is wise.

Amusing Conversation Snippet of the Day

My 6y0: ELTON JOHN IS GAY??????
Me: Yes. Why else would he dress that way?
My6yo: Hmmm. You're probably right.

I couldn't even begin to explain the part of the conversation that led to that. She cracks me up.

Sorry Pal...

Dear Al Roker,
Risotto isn't a colonial food, no matter how much you want it to be. Give it up.
Sincerely,
Viewer who did not just fall off the turnip truck

My Lyrics Are Bettah

I was listening to Elton J0hn's "Tiny Dancer" today. Now, this song came out when I was but a wee bairn, so I've heard it about a thousand times and know the words. Yet today, I heard it with fresh ears. Here's how I heard it:
"Hold me closer, Tony Danza. Count the headlice on the highway."

I wish I could claim drunkenness, but alas, I can't. I'm all natural.

This person seems to like bananas 

I don't think he's a virgin...Hmmm. Do I want to ebay this or just lick it a lot?
Thanks to my buddy Steve Redrobe for cooking me this tasty lunch.

Shopping

There's a new mall trend now. Hawking. Now, I realize how hawking came to be. It's from a time when most people were illiterate and lots of merchandise was considered exotic. Well, HELLOOOOOOO it's 2004! Now, I realize that these people are just doing their jobs and probably don't even like their jobs and it's not their fault that they're so very, very, irritating, but sometimes they really push my restraint. Depending on my mood, I either really want to grab a package of Hanes socks, look at the "made in China" label and exclaim, "Are these REAL socks from the orient???? Wow!" Of course, that would be completely lost on the idiot who keeps asking me if I need socks. If I'm feeling cranky, I really want to yell "NO YOU CAN'T ASK ME A QUESTION, YOU CAN'T LOOK AT MY FRICKIN' NAILS AND SHUT UP ALREADY!" But I'm nice and I have worked retail. It just makes me wonder what these companies are thinking.

Really, I had no idea those socks were for sale. I thought the purchase of that lotion was by inviation only. I'm a total fucking retard. Here, let me give you my money for implying so. Bah Humbug.

Hey now, Santa!

I heard a radio commercial for the New York State lottery. It seems that they would like people to give instant win tickets as holiday gifts. To encourage this, they've come up with holiday themed games. My personal favorite is "Frosty's Jolly Bonus". I did not make that up. The lottery people did.

"Is that a lottery ticket in your stocking, or are you just happy to see me?"

Primal Instinct

There are some things that we don't need to be taught. Having a child makes this evident. Practically since birth, when my three-year-old hears the Ramones, her head automatically starts bopping. I trust Mother Nature. (except for the reproduction thing. That's insane.)

Some Romantic Advice

If a guy sleeps with your undies under his pillow, he's either someone you should marry, or someone you should get a restraining order against. You make the call.

"Huh?" Lyrics of the Day

"Wawa! You've given me a Wawa!"

Whaaaat? I guess "7-11" didn't quite fit. Why would someone give him a convenience store? I suppose they could. I mean, he was so rich, he probably had everything. I thought about this, probably much more than is healthy. I concluded that the lyrics are really meaningless. It was just him saying "I'm George fucking Harrison and I can write whatever stupid shit I want to and get paid millions for it!" Yep. That was it.

Lucid Dreaming

Lucid dreaming is a handy skill to have. I've been practicing it for years as a way to deal with nightmares. I'm not as good at it now that I have children to listen for at night, but now and then it works out. (Hugh, I can't believe what you did on only our second date. You are such a ho. Okay, what WE did. I'm a ho too. Sue me.)

Mine All Mine!!!!!!

My very own place to write what I will. No censors here. I can say whatever I want. If anyone reads it (yeah right) and doesn't like it, well stiff bickies! Lookie: FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! Eat that, Ashcroft!

My Toilet Mocks Me

My toilet mocks me.
It won't stop running.
I jiggle the handle and it just falls down.
I open the tank and lift, drop, tug everything in there.
The water keeps running.
The tank does not fill so it can never flush.
The sound is like hissing laughter.
"Haha foolish mortal! You must journey to the upper regions just to pee!''
My toliet mocks me.

I Love Food Network

Thank you Alton Brown for the newest euphemism in our house- "man yams". It's what men have that women don't. My daughter thinks it's hilarious. She tries to use it often. Suffice it to say, the supermarket isn't the best place, especially at the speaking volume of a six-year-old.

My Inaugural Post- Yippee.

So here I am with a blog. Blog sounds like the congestion in my head that I always wake up with. Well, here I can ponder deep thoughts, and you can ponder them along with me. Things like food honesty (not to be confused with beard honesty). Yesterday I made baked ziti for dinner, but I didn't have ziti. I used penne. Is it still baked ziti? Is it okay that I told my family that it was? Am I wrong on both counts?