Things I Don't Really Need to Know About

I went through the drive-thru and the girl there had her tongue pierced. Whatever, no big deal, perfectly usual, except that attached to the stud was a chain with a ring on the end. It just hung out of her mouth and flopped around when she talked. WTF????? It doesn't look terribly decorative and I can't imagine what social statement it could possibly make other than "Duh", but I was trying not to gag. I mean, how could you not gag with that on? And wouldn't you drool a lot and it would all drip down the chain? This must be an incredible show of self-control or of deadened nerves. I'm going with number two.

And on the way home, I passed a salon that had a sign out front advertising "brow threading". What the hell is that?????? No, please don't tell me. Please. I don't want to know.

A Phrase That Should Not Exist

"Three-year-old, white boy hip-hop" and it sounds something like this:

My name iss
My name iss
Da woof is on fayuh!

I just don't know.

Breakfast OOPS

Do not take ritalin with twenty ounces of hot chocolate that is made with real dark chocolate. Not the usual sugary drek. REAL stuff. Full of bromides and caffeine. My stomach is vibrating now. I hope I don't gak. I bet the ritalin didn't even matter. I take a baby dose anyway. But I don't normally have caffeine. Bleah.

You Tube is Annoying Me

It seems to be tag-teaming with tne new Blogger to not let me post videos anymore even thought I changed to the appropriate info. Well, I'm trying a way around it and here goes, because you deserve to share in this classic moment of humiliation.

I've Discovered My Superpower

Really, I have. It always seemed normal to me so I never noticed it, but now I realize that I have never seen another human be able to do it. I have the uncanny ability to pour stuff into bottles without using a funnel and not making a mess. Really, I'm not kidding. Please don't hate and fear me. I'm just like you in every other respect. (assuming you are small and cranky and have big boobies)

Public Service Announcement

Fruit pie is breakfast food, not dessert. Have a nice day.

Special Moments in a Relationship

You know when you're dreaming that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you (or otherwise being an ass) and you wake up and you smack him? Ha. Then you're mad at him for the rest of the day. My poor husband has been suffering for dream husband's actions for twenty years now, bless him. Not funny, yet I can't stop laughing at it. I'm just terrible, aren't I?

Just Wondering

You know how there's always a class clown? I wonder how that works at Ringling Bros. Clown College?

Overheard this snippet of conversation...

...between two of my harem boys and I am TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP! They really said this:

CRAIG: Zombies like to eat human flesh.
JAMES: Who doesn't?

They just make me wonder sometimes. They might require more supervision.

Fifteen Seconds

Freakin' Blogger has changed to some Google thingie and now YouTube won't post videos for me. Anyway, here's a link for you.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pX5gRaxcviE

I usually can't SHUT UP for fifteen seconds and now suddenly I don't have a clue what I'd say! (except that it would probably be smilar to his idea.) The results should be interesting.

BLEAH!!!!!

Sudden headaches blow serious chunks! And sometimes they cause me to as well. I hope that doesn't happen because I ate a chili cheese dog for lunch. That would be most unpleasant. So is my head. Can someone please make my kids stop screaming? Thanks.

What I Learned This Christmas

I'm so excited because I discovered that if you have cake for breakfast, you don't need to put sugar in your coffee. It tastes the same. So now I know that sugarless coffee doesn't taste anywhere near as good, but it doesn't taste like gak either. I don't have to be desperate if I'm stranded on a desert island with no sugar for my coffee! That's so great. It's a holiday miracle.

Bloop

I do not know how I'm going to burn off all the festive foods, but I am NOT buying bigger clothes. Hell no. I was trying to get back to my smaller, nicer ones. I just might get myself a video game though, and make the rule that I can only play it standing up. It's an action game, so I might start jumping around like a maniac. X-Men. Yeah.

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by Ambien:

"The monkeys are circling my head. That means it's time to go to sleep."

Happy Solstice!

I hope every day brings a bit more sunshine into your lives. I also hope that whatever holiday you celebrate, it doesn't become the horrific sugarfest that ours did. Odin Claus was good to us. He brought me a tiny Wolverine that you put into a glass of water and it grows to six times its size. It came with tattoos and a little comic book. How does he always know?

Another thing about winter solstice is that it's the day the new "Harry Potter" titles are released. (The books get released at summer solstice) The final book is called "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". That sounds like a condition. "Ugh. I ate McDonald's today and now I have the deathly hallows. Bleah."

Happy winter everyone! Go easy on the cookies. They're deadlier than the nog!

It Just Makes Me Twitchy

Attention all illustrators, animators, advertisers, etc.! Look up! That is a reindeer! It is also known as a caribou. You will find them around the arctic circle. You might know that as the North Pole area. Santa's town.
This is a white tailed deer. It does NOT live in Santa's town. It lives down here with us mortal people, hurling itself at cars. NOT A REINDEER! Now just stop it already, will you?

Holiday Carnage

Monday we are going to slay a tree. Now I don't mind adopting one that's already been murdered, but I feel bad about killing one ourselves. My husband is the executioner, but I have final word on which life gets snuffed out. I feel like Pilate, with my children as the angry mob, and all those trees thinking "not me, not me..." When we cut a fresh one though, it doesn't get crispy right away like the precut ones do, so we opt for that when we can.

My daughter doesn't like trees to be cut down and has asked for a plastic one. I weighed the idea of a plastic tree vs. an eternal black stain on my soul, so we're off to the tree farm! I'm sorry, but plastic- just does not compute. That's like eating Tofurkey on Thanksgiving. It's so wrong that I'm afraid it could tear a hole in the space/time continuum.

Today's "They Don't Write 'Em Like They Used To" Lyrics

Brought to you by the Rolling Stones-

"I tried rewiring her. I tried refiring her. I think her engine is permanently stalled."

Heh. And coincidentally, they also bring us the "What the hell is he saying?" lyrics of the day-

"She was a side of beef sold in a market down in New Orleans"

Woohoo! Nobody Knows It!

Okay, so what songs do you enthusiastically sing when nobody's around? Of course you do, you know you do. Don't lie, I'm psychic and have ears in the back of my head. I know because my kids told me. So gimme your list. I wanna see! Here's my current list, in no particular order:

I Go to Rio
L-O-V-E
Strangers in the Night
Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
And my very favorite (yes I do both parts)...

Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
I couldn't if I tried! Aw honey if I get restless- Baby you're not that kind...

I just can't stop myself!

It's Different for My Species

My 8yo is reading a book about a girl who becomes a knight. My 5yo looked at the picture on the cover and asked if the girl was a child or an adult. My older daughter replied that she was nineteen, but she wouldn't really be all grown up until she was twenty. (oooookay) My little one was confused.

"Mom's EIGHTY and SHE'S not all grown up!" Mmmm hmmmm...