I'm 40, my hair is 55.

I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I've had grey hairs for years, and in the recent year or two, I started getting some wrinkles, but in the past two weeks since I turned 40, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, I have age spots on my face! WTF? Yesterday I noticed that I suddenly have lots and lots of blonde highlights in the front. Then I realized that it was my hair losing its color and going from brown to white. Tons of it!

I really don't want to be one of those ladies who starts dyeing their hair when they're young enough to need it, and then look really artificial when they're old. I also don't want to be forty and white all in the front. So I compromised. If I'm going to dye it and make it look artificial, let it be obvious. Manic Panic, in Purple Haze. Whoooooo!

Inappropriate Use...

...of "apostrophe's" and "quotation mark's" "hurt's" my soul, so please stop it.

Creepy Little Kid for Sale!

"Mommy, how many weeks until you die? Four?"

BLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Should I Really Know This?

Right now, everyone who works at my eye doctor's office is sucking back jello shots and home brew. They are all older than I am, and I think they're at the UPS guy's house. It just feels very weird to be aware of this.

It's Finally Happened.

The moment some of us have been waiting for, and others have been dreading-

Bacon butter has arrived. That's right, you heard me, bacon butter. I went out to dinner last night at one of those chain restaurants, and they offered a steak topped with bacon butter. BACON BUTTER, PEOPLE!!!!! I guess it's for those healthy-eating, low-carb folks.

Who Knew?

I just got back from South Dakota. Some stuff that I learned:

I need to get caffeine into my life.

It really isn't the heat, it's the humidity.

Ignorance and prejudice are not exclusive to any particular race or religion.

A diet of white bread and cheap cold cuts makes my guts do unspeakable things.

White sage sucks.

Ticks are excellent jumpers.

I'm moderately claustrophobic.

How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

It took our airheaded cat less than a day to learn to use the litterbox. It took our special ed dog two days to learn to sit and stay before she'd get fed. How long does it take an intelligent, college-educated man to learn that bras get dried on low? Seventeen years and counting so far. The world may never know.

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that Swatch is still in business, and they still make cool watches like they used to, just not as many and not as cool. I also learned that they are way the hell expensive now. I ordered Sign of the Times from their unisex collection.

I learned that if your lips are chapped and you eat blueberries, you will look very ill, and it doesn't scrub off.

Dis Bitch Got Skillz Yo!

After years of going babysittingless (it's a word because I say it is), I finally have a friend available. I asked her how much she wanted for it, and she said she didn't really know. Then she decided that she will babysit for cheesecake. That's right, I bake my pumpkin carmel pecan cheesecake for her to take home to her family, and she stays with my kids all night. I knew that would come in handy somehow, but I thought more along the lines of pacifying invading aliens.

SNORK!

more cat pictures

Roman Night at Jackman's Table

BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY SWIZZLE STICK!

Completely Blank

I haven't been very good at putting words together lately. In general, I've not been in a very good state. I basically want to eat, sleep, and scream, and I pretty much do. This is not good, because I have a lot of writing that I should be doing (among other reasons why it's not good). I'm supposed to be writing some promos, some jokes and sketches, finishing my pilot script (which is just for show) and maybe a couple more episodes, and I've got an idea but I can't decide whether it should be a film or tv series. All of this and I cannot get my head together. I'm just wired so tightly. Ugh. Frustrating.

It looks like Craig picked up on my mental state and decided to let me live vicariously through him as he went on a rather spirited rant about putting pineapple on pizza. Bless him. How does he know these things? (Oh, and as an aside, apparently there's some woman who blogs and really does believe that he can read her mind and see her through the TV! Are you creeped out? I'm creeped out!)

I read in Variety that the Late Late Show just got a new showrunner. It's the old showrunner, except that he wasn't the Showrunner, just the showrunner. Apparently they said, "Our show doesn't have a Showrunner, so we should make our showrunner the Showrunner." Very clevah, Mr. Lassally, very clevah.

And the Dumbass Award Goes to...

Me! That's right, me. I had a production meeting tonight. It was west coast time, so 10pm my time. I had pushed for this meeting. Everyone was really loose about it and I was like "no, there's stuff I need to know NOW, and stuff you need to know now, and stuff we need to get done before we start the shoot, and I want to get it all set as soon as possible."

Guess what I did? At the appointed time, I was sitting in my livingroom, starting my second sleeve on my Sahara, and going "I know there's something I was going to do tonight. Laundry? Dishes, definitely dishes..." I'm a total fuckwit! And yes, it's written on all my calendars.

Well, someone else had trouble logging into the video chat, so we're rescheduling. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch for that one. Dumbass.

Younger Siblings are Torture

6yo: (to her sister, in almost a whisper) I've seen your destiny.
10yo: What?! What's the matter with you?! What does that even MEAN?! You're freaky!

see more crazy cat pics

Profound Observation of the Day

Shakira is very yodely.

Words that Don't Belong Together

coven, church, Passover- and yet, that's my weekend.

Questionable Lyrics of the Day

From Train in Vain by The Clash:

You said you love me, that's a fact.
Then you left me for Jungle Jack.


I'm guessing that's not right, but it could be. I like it that way anyway.

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

From Queen/Bowie Under Pressure- I'm pretty sure that I'm misunderstanding the second line here:

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence like a dumbfuck

She Kills Me!

For about a year, my 6yo was trying to scam us with the story that at night, she has a job in California that she gets to by tunnel when we're sleeping. She always spoke about it very seriously, keeping a straight face, and telling us about stuff she bought at the mall there, or what she ate on her lunch break. Tonight at dinner she suddenly said,

"I don't really have a job in California. Instead, I come downstairs and watch TV when everyone's sleeping. I watch Craig Ferguson. I watch a lot of inappropriate television. Mostly 'My Name is Earl'".

I look forward to her synopses.