It's a Wonderful Life

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Random Strangeness

Today I ordered a pair of shoes specifically to show off my hand-knit socks. They're cute and comfy too. I have to make lots of socks now.

My kids set up a gift registry for Seymour Butts at JCPenney today. They're so special, paricularly our darling little Wednesday.

I put on my contact lenses, got into the shower, forgot about my contact lenses, and was very confused about being able to see in the shower.

For the past couple of weeks, I've had a desperate thirst for chocolate milk. I don't know why. I NEED it. I have no idea what could possibly be missing from my diet. I don't give a crap about regular milk, and regular chocolate is not such a big deal, but CHOCOLATE MILK! MUST HAVE!!!!!! Is there some kind of foundation for kids like me?

I Tried to Be Nice. Really I Did.

So my mom's cousin got on my nerves. At a family reunion a couple of years ago, we all exchanged contact info so that our family could keep in touch. This resulted in her constantly spamming us, mostly with political bullshit. For a while I ignored it. Then she sent one that was extremely personally offensive, and the subject was "If you disagree, delete". In other words, I want to tell you off, but you don't get to answer me because I'm a passive-aggressive chicken shit moron.

Not once has she sent me an email asking about the kids or telling me what she's up to or what her kids or grandkids are up to. I even emailed her back once, saying so. I never got a response, just more spam. So then I told her to stop sending me political and religious emails. No response, just more spam. I put her address in my junk box, but instead of bouncing, it just goes into the junk box. Sometimes it doesn't make it there, it just goes into my inbox for some reason.

Well, I got fed up. Reason and politeness are not her thing, apparently, so I went to LOL News and Politics, found about fifteen anti-McCain/Palin/fundie pics and sent them all to her in one shot. And I'll probably keep it up until she stops or goes mad, whichever comes first. She's already a nutjob. If I'm lucky, I'll offend her and she'll never have anything to do with me again. Oh, I hope so.

I'm Hungry

Last night I dreamed that I was having dinner at my favorite pizzeria, when my former comedy teacher suddenly showed up at my table and demanded that I give him ten pizza jokes immediately. Needless to say, I was surprised by the whole thing, but jumped on it right away. He said they were kinda lame and he could see them all coming and I could do better. He wanted me to rewrite them and was giving me a generous twelve hours to do so. Then I lost my cell phone in the parking lot, and for some reason, had to ride home on a goat. There was chocolate dessert pizza to make it better though. Clearly I have issues.

Now I want pizza, and feel compelled to write a page of jokes.

"The Real McCain"

Rimacat

Tom Cruise is a Crazy Gnome

I dreamed that Tom Cruise was a crazy little gnome dude. I mean he kinda is, but in my dream it was more extreme, if you can imagine such a thing. He was kinda like Rumplestiltskin. He could guess what ingredients were in stuff. His specialty was telling people what blends/impurites were in their pot stashes. In my case, since I don't have a pot stash, he was guessing what was in my lentil soup. My vegetarian friends were over, and they were digging the soup. Tom showed up to be evil when I remembered that I hadn't used vegetable broth. He told them the soup wasn't vegetarian. He told them all the ingredients in the soup, and said I made it with beef broth. Then I told him he was an ass because I had made it with chicken broth, and how could you possibly confuse the two? He got all mad, and stamped so hard that he exploded, just like in the fairy tale. My friends were mortified over the soup. I told them to get over it.

Rima's Happy Place

This summer, thanks to my husband, I found my perfect knitting spot. It's a very wooded park next to a rail trail, where he takes our kids cycling. I sit by the stream and knit. There's nobody else there during the week. I think the place likes me. I get happy vibes the second I step onto the grass and see the trees.

I started today there. I kind of shuffled out of bed and into the car, but it was worth it. I stopped to pick up breakfast at a nearby bakery. I always make offerings when I go. It's very wild, and there's a perfect tree stump, overgrown with weedy vines. It's right in the center of the clearing, which is encircled by subtle protrusions of bedrock. In case anyone wants to know, the spirits really, really like coffee. But anyway, here's part of the view from the rock upon which I sit. The frogs, toads, chipmunks, butterflies, dragonflies, and probably unseen creatures don't seem to mind or fear me.

Here is what I brought with me today. I'm making the Waving Lace socks that are on the book cover, and yep, that's the Twatweasel yarn. So far, so good. I think this place has given me my longed-for sock mojo. Do you think nymphs knit? Sylphs? Satyrs? Well, at least I know they like coffee.

I Like Cake.

I'm 40, my hair is 55.

I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I've had grey hairs for years, and in the recent year or two, I started getting some wrinkles, but in the past two weeks since I turned 40, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, I have age spots on my face! WTF? Yesterday I noticed that I suddenly have lots and lots of blonde highlights in the front. Then I realized that it was my hair losing its color and going from brown to white. Tons of it!

I really don't want to be one of those ladies who starts dyeing their hair when they're young enough to need it, and then look really artificial when they're old. I also don't want to be forty and white all in the front. So I compromised. If I'm going to dye it and make it look artificial, let it be obvious. Manic Panic, in Purple Haze. Whoooooo!

Inappropriate Use...

...of "apostrophe's" and "quotation mark's" "hurt's" my soul, so please stop it.

Creepy Little Kid for Sale!

"Mommy, how many weeks until you die? Four?"

BLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Should I Really Know This?

Right now, everyone who works at my eye doctor's office is sucking back jello shots and home brew. They are all older than I am, and I think they're at the UPS guy's house. It just feels very weird to be aware of this.

It's Finally Happened.

The moment some of us have been waiting for, and others have been dreading-

Bacon butter has arrived. That's right, you heard me, bacon butter. I went out to dinner last night at one of those chain restaurants, and they offered a steak topped with bacon butter. BACON BUTTER, PEOPLE!!!!! I guess it's for those healthy-eating, low-carb folks.

Who Knew?

I just got back from South Dakota. Some stuff that I learned:

I need to get caffeine into my life.

It really isn't the heat, it's the humidity.

Ignorance and prejudice are not exclusive to any particular race or religion.

A diet of white bread and cheap cold cuts makes my guts do unspeakable things.

White sage sucks.

Ticks are excellent jumpers.

I'm moderately claustrophobic.

How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

It took our airheaded cat less than a day to learn to use the litterbox. It took our special ed dog two days to learn to sit and stay before she'd get fed. How long does it take an intelligent, college-educated man to learn that bras get dried on low? Seventeen years and counting so far. The world may never know.

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that Swatch is still in business, and they still make cool watches like they used to, just not as many and not as cool. I also learned that they are way the hell expensive now. I ordered Sign of the Times from their unisex collection.

I learned that if your lips are chapped and you eat blueberries, you will look very ill, and it doesn't scrub off.

Dis Bitch Got Skillz Yo!

After years of going babysittingless (it's a word because I say it is), I finally have a friend available. I asked her how much she wanted for it, and she said she didn't really know. Then she decided that she will babysit for cheesecake. That's right, I bake my pumpkin carmel pecan cheesecake for her to take home to her family, and she stays with my kids all night. I knew that would come in handy somehow, but I thought more along the lines of pacifying invading aliens.

SNORK!

more cat pictures

Roman Night at Jackman's Table

BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY SWIZZLE STICK!

Completely Blank

I haven't been very good at putting words together lately. In general, I've not been in a very good state. I basically want to eat, sleep, and scream, and I pretty much do. This is not good, because I have a lot of writing that I should be doing (among other reasons why it's not good). I'm supposed to be writing some promos, some jokes and sketches, finishing my pilot script (which is just for show) and maybe a couple more episodes, and I've got an idea but I can't decide whether it should be a film or tv series. All of this and I cannot get my head together. I'm just wired so tightly. Ugh. Frustrating.

It looks like Craig picked up on my mental state and decided to let me live vicariously through him as he went on a rather spirited rant about putting pineapple on pizza. Bless him. How does he know these things? (Oh, and as an aside, apparently there's some woman who blogs and really does believe that he can read her mind and see her through the TV! Are you creeped out? I'm creeped out!)

I read in Variety that the Late Late Show just got a new showrunner. It's the old showrunner, except that he wasn't the Showrunner, just the showrunner. Apparently they said, "Our show doesn't have a Showrunner, so we should make our showrunner the Showrunner." Very clevah, Mr. Lassally, very clevah.

And the Dumbass Award Goes to...

Me! That's right, me. I had a production meeting tonight. It was west coast time, so 10pm my time. I had pushed for this meeting. Everyone was really loose about it and I was like "no, there's stuff I need to know NOW, and stuff you need to know now, and stuff we need to get done before we start the shoot, and I want to get it all set as soon as possible."

Guess what I did? At the appointed time, I was sitting in my livingroom, starting my second sleeve on my Sahara, and going "I know there's something I was going to do tonight. Laundry? Dishes, definitely dishes..." I'm a total fuckwit! And yes, it's written on all my calendars.

Well, someone else had trouble logging into the video chat, so we're rescheduling. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch for that one. Dumbass.

Younger Siblings are Torture

6yo: (to her sister, in almost a whisper) I've seen your destiny.
10yo: What?! What's the matter with you?! What does that even MEAN?! You're freaky!

see more crazy cat pics

Profound Observation of the Day

Shakira is very yodely.

Words that Don't Belong Together

coven, church, Passover- and yet, that's my weekend.

Questionable Lyrics of the Day

From Train in Vain by The Clash:

You said you love me, that's a fact.
Then you left me for Jungle Jack.


I'm guessing that's not right, but it could be. I like it that way anyway.

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

From Queen/Bowie Under Pressure- I'm pretty sure that I'm misunderstanding the second line here:

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence like a dumbfuck

She Kills Me!

For about a year, my 6yo was trying to scam us with the story that at night, she has a job in California that she gets to by tunnel when we're sleeping. She always spoke about it very seriously, keeping a straight face, and telling us about stuff she bought at the mall there, or what she ate on her lunch break. Tonight at dinner she suddenly said,

"I don't really have a job in California. Instead, I come downstairs and watch TV when everyone's sleeping. I watch Craig Ferguson. I watch a lot of inappropriate television. Mostly 'My Name is Earl'".

I look forward to her synopses.

Odd Day's Happenings

Our son turned four today. I guess he's all grown up now. I asked him not to bat a balloon near the breakables on the fireplace and he said "What's the matter, do I offend?" Um, what?

My husband called me with his ass again. He must have our home number on speed dial or something, because every once in a while it happens. Then I feel like an idiot going "hello? hello?". I can hear him talking to the people at work. This time I said "hold your ears kids" and yelled as loudly as possible into the phone " HELP! LET ME OUT! I'M TRAPPED IN BRIAN'S PANTS! IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Stupid, deaf fuckers. They wrecked my moment of glory. I just hung up. My kids worship me now though.

Hey Jeebus People, What's Yer Point?

You know the people who like to try to convert other people to their religion? They are so annoying and stupid. If they're trying to tell me that heaven is filled with people like them, and hell is filled with people like me, what exactly is it that they think I'd want to change?

The Mystery of Self

I'm not a gemini, nor do I have any kind of disassociative disorder, but I feel so conflicted. I have a really hard time reconciling my humanitarian, compassionate half, who always feels bad for people who are hurting, wants to help, believes in human rights, live and let live, etc. with the misanthropic side of me who is subjected to daily demonstrations that people are fucking fuckwits, and the world would be far better off if humans just spontaneously combusted. That side of me also wants to smack people.

I'm FAT!

Holy crap, I'm serious! I don't think I've ever been this fat. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner tonight. THREE! WHAT THE HELL? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, but I could, then. I didn't even weigh enough to give blood. Phooey.

So now I'm off to do some rond de jambe a thises and rond de jambe a thats, and various other similar thingies while Dave and Craig keep me awake and encouraged. Man, this sucks.

Rock and Roll Confusion

Somebody needs to 'splain somsing. Why was Madonna inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Isn't that for Rock and Roll performers? When did she do that? Makes no sense. And yet, no Alice Cooper.

Happy Pi Day!

Today is 3/14. Pi day. I had planned to bake a pie or two, and of course, teach the kids how to calculate the circumference of that pie. Unfortunately, I am somewhat challenged, and thought that tomorrow was the 14th, and made other plans for today. Well, I'm going to go ahead with it anyway because I'm stubborn. Yay stubbornness!

I'm going to make a vegan cookie pie for my allergic kid, and for the rest of us, I'm thinking chocolate chess. Maybe I'll get a can of cherry filling to go on top. I know, filling from a can! Shocking, isn't it? Well how else would I find pie cherries this time of year? Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed some good pie and math today.

If only I had known it were possible...

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

It's the Little Things

I am having a seriously craptacular day. It's been awful. I had one thing that really gave me a lift just now. I just found out that Igor Stravinsky wrote a piece called "Don't Throw Paper Towels in the Toilet". Totally made my day.

It Amazes Me

The concept of that-doesn't-affect-me apathy confounds me. Why would a person be willing to give up his rights just because he happens to be making the same choice as the offender? It's okay for school boards to illegally harrass parents, as long as they aren't illegally harrassing public school parents? People are fine with local governments telling them "you have the right to choose the option we want you to"? That's a right? WTF? It just goes to prove once more that the vast majority of people are STOOPUD.

Are they talking about my house?

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

When Worlds Collide

When my son saw this picture, he just about exploded with joyous surprise. Greg and Craig, together on one stage. He couldn't believe it. Heehee.

Damn That Cheesy Goodness!

I have the worst pizza burn on the roof of my mouth. I think it blistered and everything. I forgot about it until I went to drink my coffee at breakfast. Now I'm just staring at my coffee, feeling like Tantalus, except it's up to me. I can drink it if I want to be in lots of pain. Believe it or not, it's a tough choice, and it's decaf. I'm not a caffeine addict. I just love my coffee. I know, iced coffee, but it's just not the same. My soul is lost.

Sockyarny Goodness

Toes on toothpicks will be forthcoming.

I Figured it Out.

I know where the little man heard it now, because he was just yelling "Boom cha cha MAMBO!"

That's what I get for letting him hang around with the harem boys.

Gabba Gabba Hey!

I have an almost four-year-old who is a punk rocker. He doesn't know it. When he was a baby, oh about one or so, he would sing and it would always sound angry. He'd yell the alphabet or whatever other sweet little kiddie song it was. My friend Shaun said that all he needed was a soul patch and a kilt. We already gave him the perfect name.

I recently got Rock Band. He loves The Clash and The Ramones and sings along loudly. There's only one song from each though, so I was puzzled the other day when I heard him yell from the bathroom "GABBA GABBA HEY!" (he likes to sing on the throne) I don't know where he heard that, but I don't even have it on my ipod. Is it time for a foil hat? I don't have bail money for this kid.

Something to Think About

I've never seen Amy Winehouse and Andy Samberg in the same room together. I'm just sayin'.

Yet More Evidence...

That there are other people like me in the world. This is a kit from a company called Subversive Cross-stitch. I could weep.

More Ravelry Love

A new group has started in Ravelry. It's the "Stupid, Lazy, and Godless" group. It came to be when someone asked if we're allowed to use curse words on Ravelry. Apparently, a whole lot of people with no lives of their own passed judgement on the pottymouths, hence the name of the group. Well, I joined, and that just made my otherwise crappy day!

Of course, you know the group is made up of intelligent, hard-working, and often spiritual people. (Spiritual people are considered godless by many Christians, despite the fact that we often have more gods then they do.)

And I bought sock yarn. WTF?

This is Why Craig Rocks

Because I can

Really, do we ever need a reason? I think not.

For Goodness Sakes Just Stop it!

Let me state it again- the singular is "curriculum". The plural is "curricula". Please spread the word so that together we can save the world. While you're at it, do mention that they can stop calling rolls "yeast rolls". Yes, rolls have yeast in them. We know that already. That's why they're rolls and not rocks. Slappity slap!

Everyone Has His Worth

I've discovered what Tom Cruise's purpose is. When I think I'm an airhead, or I'm losing my mind, he's here to remind me that nope, I'm not. No way. THERE'S vapid, incoherent, batshit for you. Make no mistake about that kids. If you're ever unsure of yourself, watch this video, because this is what it looks like. Wow.
http://defamer.com/344987/the-tom-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientologists-dont-want-you-to-see

Ninja's Advice for the WGA

I Just Love Silly!

moar funny pictures

For I am Wise

Lately we've been buying more organic foods. Of course it's because we like knowing what's in our food, and with the co-op, a lot of times it's cheaper than the regular crap in the supermarket. However, there are questions that are being asked by many people regarding organic food. Some examples:

If you wash it with soap, or tap water, is it still organic?
If it sits next to the chemical-laden food at the supermarket, is it still organic?
If it's packaged in plastic, is it still organic?
If it's traveling in the same truck with chemical-laden food, is it still organic?

I thought about this and came up with the following answer to all those questions:

Shut up, get a life, and leave me to eat my apples in peace.

(this scientific study brought to you by PMS)

What's His Obsession with Meat????

3yo: Do trees make oxygen?

Me: Yes.

3yo: Is oxygen shaped like a hot dog?

Me: What? Uh, no.

FYI

Methamphetamine does not contain Velveeta, nor is it used to treat gout, but that's only because Wikipedia put a lock on that page that only allows certain people to edit it. Dang.

Mike Huckabee is a Twit

Please people, don't even consider electing someone this stupid to be our President. We've had enough of that, and he doesn't come with a puppeteer. Huckabee appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. This is a show that has gone back on the air without its striking writers, and is being picketed by the Writers' Guild of America.

That's right, a man who wants to be president just said "fuck you" to all the union members of America. Nice campaign move. Then he's dumb enough to say that he didn't know the strike was still going on. Um, Mike? 1) There were all those picketers. 2) If you can't bother to find that out before going on a talk show, can you deal with complicated political intelligence which might or might not balance the fate of the world? How about we not find out, okay?

Quote of the Day

From my 3yo:

"I wish I were a chicken nugget. Actually, I wish I had a light saber."