My Latest Joy

Why I Have a Harem

Because I know that at any given time, at least one of them will make me smile. I've been grumping around for the past day or two because of my aunt, who really needs to be smacked, but it wouldn't do any good because she's living in another dimension. Let's just say that it involves my grandfather's mandolin, a large sum of money, and me trying to function at an ungodly hour of the morning. Not a good thing, except that I'm FINALLY getting my grandfather's mandolin. So what did I find today? Check it people... I am NEVAH giving up the harem.

Cue the Bad 70's Music

I recently decided to check out another branch of our city's public library. I was a bit surprised when I walked in. The other libraries we go to are staffed with the usual ladies in sensible shoes, but this one was staffed by attractive young men. I wasn't sure if there was a hidden camera somewhere, maybe. One hottie in jeans leaned his nice biceps on the counter and asked "Hi, can I help you with something?" I wish I had been there with Bert or Jenda. They could have given him a much better answer than "Yes, would you please direct me to the children's section?" Not that I wasn't thinking it.

It's in the Genes

We were at the beach today, and my three-year-old son gave me a reminder that yep, he's my kid. He had found a rock that he liked and wanted to show me. Most kids his age would say "Ooh look! Pretty rock!", but not him. He said "Look mama! I found a piece of granite! It has a lot of mica! You can see it sparkling!" (he was correct, by the way) This was followed by him panicking because he couldn't find his sunglasses. He was very relieved when I informed him that he was wearing them.
He gets the smarts from both sides. The rest, well...I've given up being embarrassed. Life's too short and too busy. Hmm...too short, too busy, REMIND YOU OF ANYONE???? Hee hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Amused Horror

Today I saw a guy who looked just like Dirk Weems! There is nothing more to say. I'm still astounded. And somewhat blind. Oh my poor children.

Medical Entertainment

No, I don't mean CBS's new show Ghost Chimp M.D., I mean we were at the dermatologist yesterday and my daughter and I both were in hysterics over an ad for Botox. I was laughing because of the before and after pictures. The before one has a woman scrunching up her face and looking really angry. The after one has her looking normal and smiling a bit, though I'm guessing Botox doesn't let you smile much. Maybe she should just not scrunch up her face! My daughter was laughing because she thinks "Botox" sounds too close to "buttocks" and can't believe someone named their company that. Now I want a company named Buttocks.

She's a Natural

There are few things cuter than my 5yo daughter learning Samurai sword technique. It really beats the tutu thing, no contest!

I Frickin' Love the Internet!

Because where else would I have found this? And this?

It returns your lips to near-virgin condition!

The Shoes of Mirth!

Happy Mothers' Day. zzzzzzz...

There are days when I just never wake up. I think this is going to be one of them. It's 3:30 and I've done basically nothing. I haven't even dressed the little man yet. I hope I wake up enough to drive. I'm thinking that my children want to take me out to dinner tonight. Yeah. Yeah, they do. It would certainly be better than a plate-o-tatertots.

The Dangerous Power of Television

The Late Late Show insulted shrimp by excluding them from crab week. In retaliation, they attacked Craig Ferguson. First Craig, now the world, apparently. I'm so glad my medically complicated kid didn't eat the shrimp last night. I think they need to hire a new writer (Hint Hint) to help fix this crisis. Meanwhile, avoid the killer shrimp!

My life, my job, my curse, is to find shoes

I went shopping yesterday and today. Shopping can either be a triumph or a disaster. It was a little of both, but mostly good. All the kids have their summer shoes, FINALLY, after going to a million stores. I didn't do so well. Nothing yesterday, but I did find my very favorite nail polish ever, which I will probably use tonight. It's kind of the color of a blood clot. I find that a good pedicure really helps a writer. At least this writer.

Today I went to a store that had more than one pair of shoes that I actually wanted. I was so excited. So I asked for both in a 7 1/2. One was a size too big, one a size too small. Nice. Both 7 /12. Both the last pair. So I got the ones that were too big because I couldn't stop myself. They're black, slip-on sneakers with white, rubber toes and they have purple, white, and grey skulls all over them. That's right purple. Bonus- the skulls' eye sockets are heart-shaped. It's like they were designed for me. Except in the wrong frickin' size. My hips and back will punish me for this. Maybe that will force me back into my yoga. I also found the lip gloss of my dreams there for $1.29, so it's all good.

Now I need to reformulate my plan. I must obtain more shoes, but where? Hmmm...

Just Some Stuff

So the man is off and running again, and right on cue the little one has a runny nose and fever. I don't even question it anymore.

Is there anyone who isn't aware that tainted gluten has been used in regular human food? I mean, just because the FDA has been avoiding coming right out and saying it, and is taking little tiny baby steps towards admitting it, doesn't mean we just fell of the turnip truck. Gluten is gluten. Why would only certain types of companies buy from a cheap source? Duh.

Oh, and I think I found the solution to the Mystery of the Disappearing Forks. We had like service for 20 or something, and now we have four. The spoons and knives are still around. I figured out that it must be the paper plates. No, they're not eating the forks. I think the forks have gotten tossed in the garbage with the plates. Well, at least the kids are making an effort to be helpful and responsible. Now if only they weren't so spacey like their mommy. We got some new forks from IKEA, but they're cheap cafeteria forks and I just can't make myself put them in the fork compartment with the others. I put them off to the side with the oddball stuff. I really need to get over the fork anxiety.

Warning! Strong and Ranty Opinion Ahead!

I absolutely HATE the word "homeschooling". It implies that we sit at the table with the kids' noses in textbooks, parents in front of the chalkboard. Ugh. Bleah. No. My children are not schooled, and education does not happen by sitting within four walls, particularly the same ones all day, every day. If I believed in either of those things, I'd just send my kids to school! I much prefer the term "independently educated".

As for the people who wonder how I can possibly know if my children are learning what they should, well, if you can't tell who is educated and who is not, it probably says a lot more about you than about them. I wonder what "should" means too. I assume they mean what the government has decided they should learn, and when and how. Ah yes. We know how efficient the government is, especially when it comes to agencies and institutions. Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Let's put the government in charge of our kids' learning! Yeah! Jeez Louise. I honestly don't know what a kid of a particular age is governmentally determined to be taught. I know that my kids learn as much as they possibly can. They don't stop, They just keep going. They learn to their potential. You can't do better than that, so why do I need to know what our really crappy local school district thinks? I don't. For the record, I come from a family of public school educators who fully stand by my educating of my children. One was paid a lot of money as a special consultant to completely revamp a district's curriculum based on her observations of how my children learn as opposed to how traditionally schooled children learn. She didn't just revamp it, she threw it out and invented a whole new one.

Public education was concieved as a last resort for people who had no other choice. That's how it was intended to be used. That's fine. I agree that it should be there. I think it's utterly ridiculous that those of us who would actually use it that way are looked at as if we have three heads! Would I send my children to private school if I had the money? Maybe. It depends on the school. Most private schools are simply cushy versions of the public education model. Again, if I wanted my kids to sit in front of a chalkboard within the same building all day every day, I could do it for free in a public school.

I don't teach my kids much at all. They learn a ton. You can't stop a kid from learning. You can hold him back, or crush his love of learning, but you can't stop him. You can encourage and facilitate learning, but you don't cause it. It would almost be hubris to think so. I can only shake my head at the suggestion. For me, the proof of the pudding is in the tasting. When a woman in a museum points to your child, and comments to her companion that she can't believe they paid seven bucks apiece for their guided audio tour when they could just follow "that kid" for free because she "knows way more than this crappy museum guide", there's nothing left to say.