I'm Comptetely Math Deficient...

...and even I don't need one of those dumbass tip calculation cards! First, let me say that if you are a complete moron, I'm not talking to you. You need one. The rest of you, listen up. How difficult is it to figure out fifteen or twenty percent? I know, you're too busy. Two seconds in the life of the most important person in the world, on whom all other life hinges is just too much. I think that's a separate issue that you will have to address with your therapist, so for now, let's discuss the math that is supposedly so difficult that you need to carry this card in your wallet.

Let's say your bill is $84.95 before tax. How on earth will you figure it out! Oh the drama! Move the fucking decimal to the left to get $8.40! This is ten percent you dumbass! Now take a nap from the mental exhaustion. I'll wait.

Back? Rested? Great. Now that you have ten percent, can you figure out how to get twenty percent? I'm not going to tell you. I refuse. $16.80 you say? Very good! You get a cookie! But wait! You are cheap and only want to give fifteen percent! Oh no! This is a disaster! How on earth will you figure out how to get one and a half ten percents????? I'm not going to tell you. $12.60! Wow, you deserve a vacation after all that hard work. I'll leave it to you to either round down to $12 or up to $13. It's a free country.

It should be the law that anyone who uses a tip card should not be allowed to work at a job that involves percentages, statistics, money, weights and measures, or any kind of profits. It should be legal to search their wallets daily for a tip card. I don't want a pharmacist who can't use a decimal point and I sure don't want someone like that handling my money. And if you are a teacher or involved in education and you use a tip card, you need to go right to the toilet, stick your head in, and flush. Right now. Go.

The rest of you, throw out your tip cards and relish your new freedom from decimal point phobia.

Feeling Especially Irritable

Look, how about you just don't talk to me today, Okay? Thanks.

AAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! FEATHERS!!!!!!!!!

Remember last spring's dance costume from hell? Well, being that I'm an idiot, I let my daughter keep it, thinking that eventually I'd put it together for her. Today I went to clean out their closet and there were just feathers everywhere! I would put something away and feathers would fly up. I'd throw something out and feathers would fly up. I tried to get all the puzzle pieces back into their proper boxes and there were all these tiny feathers trapped among the pieces. They were flying through the air in the whole room and stuck to everything. They're in my hair, on my clothes, and I just knocked one off my nose. We have dance class today and I'm going to look like a crazy person. I'll never get them all off, especially out of my hair.

Maybe that's a good thing though. Maybe everyone will stay far away from me. Last week I was subjected to the Dr. Phil show. No, not on TV. I could ignore that. There was a family there working out their lifetime of issues. The mom brought her daughter to class and brought along the girl's teenage aunt, and the girl's grandfather, who apparently, they hadn't seen in many years and had never met his granddaughter. They hashed through A LOT of stuff at full volume as if they were at home! I was sitting there trying to will myself to go deaf. I felt like yelling "HEY! I'M HERE! HELLO!" but somehow I don't think it would have helped. What the hell is the matter with some people? I don't care who your real father was, as revealed to you on your mother's deathbed. I don't care who the favorite child was and I certainly don't want to hear about the creepy uncle who stalked your boyfriends. How nice that you forgive each other, now SHUT UP! They weren't just telling family stories, they were SHARING FEELINGS that they had never spoken about, ASKING FORGIVENESS for all kinds of major shit. I don't think that stuff is included in the tuition! There was just me and these three wackadoos. I sat knitting and trying to ignore them like they were ignoring me. It was torture. Thankfully, the girl's class ended a half hour later. I'm sure it went on all night. Couldn't they have saved this? I hope they aren't there again today. I'm not that patient. What I need is a can of Freakbegone spray. Anyone know where I can get some?

How Tired Is He?

My husband is so tired that when he called home today and I told him that I was in the middle of painting our son's toenails (Disney Princess Aqua Sparkle), he said something like "oh that's nice". Man, he needs a day off.

Been away too long...

I haven't posted here in forever. I'm certainly not lacking in things to say, I'm just thoroughly exhausted. Weeks without my husband is a lot to handle. My kids can really wear me out. I never get enough rest. I've been sleeping on my feet for a week straight. Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday party. We're paying bucks that we can't necessarily afford so that I don't have to do it myself. All we have to do is show up, although due to her allergies, we still had to make cupcakes and we'll bring her a happy meal for lunch instead of the pizza they're having. Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a final thought to tide you over. We try to set a good example for our children. When your 2yo comes over to you with a can of frosting and a spoon, gesturing with a cute little squeak for you to please open it, that can't be good. Oopsie.

Just Yummy

These have been public long enough now that I think I can put them here. If there is any doubt about my taste in harem boys, this should clear that up. And all you bachelors who want to pick up chicks, my kids are for rent if you can afford it. It's far more effective than a dog.

Friendship

What's cool is when your best friend's kid is your kid's best friend.

What sucks is when you see your friends headed for a massive train wreck and there's not a damn thing you can do about it except to brace yourself and hope you don't get splattered between them.

I Think He Uses a Remote

My husband got on a plane two days ago. You know the rest...