New Harem Boy

Mowing and weed whacking commence tomorrow.

Well, I didn't get the photos I wanted, but I got two that are good enough. Now the main problem is deprogramming. He is a rabid Red Sux fan. I haven't told the others yet, as they will turn him into hamburger. Here is Bobby cooking the last Red Sux fan to enter the house. He's trying to shake his remains out of whatever power tool another (who shall remain nameless) harem boy attacked him with.

Harem Troubles

I'm trying to add another harem boy to mow the lawn shirtless and "stuff", but his people just won't cooperate. His audition was unprecedented and all I need is a couple of photos but they are most uncooperative. I'm going to have to send in Kristin. That'll teach those self-important ninnies. Really, they're holding up my paperwork!

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

So what the hell is a chicken fry? Just hearing the words, I assume that it's like a clam bake or a pig roast, but according to a television commercial that I saw the other night, it's some weird kind of fast food substance that comes in a french fry box. Again, I ask you. What the hell is a chicken fry?

(I do not condone actually trying said substance to find out and I am not liable for any damage resulting from such an experiment)

The Miss America Pageant in a Nutshell

Here's what one contestant had to say about keeping fit.

"I cut holes out of trash bags and wore them while I ran," says Miss Nevada 2004, Elizabeth Muto. "It really detoxified my body and, to this day, I continue to see results."

Is there really anything more to say?

I Watched "Troy"

It didn't suck as badly as "King Arthur" did. Brad Pitt has improved since "Interview With the Vampire". Orlando Bloom was Orlando Bloom. I liked some of the actors in it. Peter O'Toole makes me laugh, even in the most serious roles. I don't know why. He's just like that. The guy who played Boromir in LOTR played Odysseus, which was really cool. Odysseus is one of my favorite guys of all time. I wouldn't trust him for anything, but I really like him. Now, this Helen chick. Supposedly blessed by Aphrodite to be the most gorgeous and enchanting woman on the planet. Hmmm, you'd think that in Hollywood, there might have been a decent pool of beautiful women. Clearly, acting wasn't a requisite so that opens up the choices a bit. They cast someone who was pretty in a regular sort of way. I remember her from when she was on General Hospital or something years back when I actually watched it. She had brown hair and was about eleven years old. Something freaky about that. Brian Cox was Agamemnon, another guy who makes me giggle, despite his tragic and sometimes wicked life. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he was such a freakin' idiot. I mean, get a clue. Anyway, Brian Cox played an equally obnoxiously evil character in "X-2" as Reverend Stryker. (Oh excuse me, that's COLONEL Stryker. I forgot it's Bryan Singer's universe. @@ Read a comic book, dude?)

Anyway, when I read about the Trojan war (stop laughing, and you know you are) or see a movie like this, several thoughts come to mind. One, if I were Paris' mother/father/brother/sister/whatever, I would have beaten the snot out of him for bringing all of Greece to slaughter us and burn our homes because he was thinking with his dick. True love my ass. Like looks had nothing to do with it.

If I were Hector's wife ( I don't remember her name and I didn't get to hear it since my husband installed "better" speakers) I would have given Paris a second whuping after he ran like chicken shit from Menelaus, leaving my husband to fight his little love spat for him. And then after Hector's slaughter, when Helen tried to comfort me, I'd bitch slap her empty little head right off her shoulders. Man, what were these people thinking? When I read Greek plays and stuff, I notice a theme. I call it "STOOOPUD". Did they all get too much sun or something?

And the skirts. Oy. Those guys are not Scotsmen. No way. They look like girlie soldiers, they really do. It was kinda fun, but not really. Mostly for the comedy aspects. Rent it or not.

It's a Strange World

We live on the corner of our street. The very first (or last) house on the block. The mail carrier always parks in front of the house NEXT DOOR. That would be the second house on the block. He or she then walks all the way down to the other end of the street and starts delivering mail. He or she then gets back to the truck, next door to our house, and proceeds to get in and DRIVE to our house. Maybe thirty feet. Gets out, puts the mail in our mailbox, and drives away. Every time. WTF is up with that?

In other weird behavior, today I saw a stinging thingie, a hornet or something, pick up an entire grasshopper (one of those big ones like Moses used to use) and fly away with it. That was just freaky.

What? WHAT?

What the hell is a sleep number and why should we care?

No, reliving every horrible moment of my day won't make me feel better, but it might get you a good smack so then again, maybe it will.

Today I saw some undies that were nothing but ruffles. 'Cause nothing makes a girl feel sexier than doubling the size of her ass and hips.

And if I have to listen to that toothpaste commercial twit and her bleached blonde hair giggling about her red lipstick ever again, I'm going to throw a shoe through the tv. You know a man wrote that stupid shit. I don't care how much she got paid, she should feel shame every time it airs.

Now go away and leave me alone before I bite you.

Wisdom of the Ages

Today I had a conversation with my 3yo that lead to a question of left or right, which she usually gets but didn't this time. So my 7yo said "I've been alive for seven years so that's an easy question for me. Yup, when you ask me that, I can just say 'left'. I've known left and right for years now."

Then she used her worldly experience to advise her little sister on going to work with Daddy.
7yo: I'm telling you, going to work with Daddy is awesome! But you have to watch him carefully. Don't let him play any violent video games and don't let him eat at McDonald's.

3yo: I won't!

7yo: And if you do catch him doing that stuff, you have to tell mom so she can yell at him.

I'm in Love!!!!!!!!!!

Mundungus

It's what I call my son. He's always where he shouldn't be, doing things he shouldn't be doing, taking things that don't belong to him, and he has a particular fondness for the silverwear drawer. He undoes the babyproofing locks and goes under the baby gate on the stairs. Yesterday he stole the card out of the cable box. We've looked everywhere we could think of. When I looked in the file cabinet, I found his stash and it was amazing. There was a spatula, two spoons, a bracelet, a couple of ponytail holders, a photograph, Brian's former comb, and some cheerios. Of course, the card wasn't in there and we still haven't found it. I'm pretty sure it's not his only hiding place. Whenever we ask him where it is, he laughs at us. I checked the dishwasher because he's always in there. I mean IN there. He opens it up and climbs on in. I haven't figured out how to keep him out. That's just the tip of the iceberg. My little Mundungus. What to do.

Trust me, that's just a technicality

My 3yo: (to me) Wow, you draw really good! You could be a drawer when you grow up!

My 7yo: Um, she's over eighteen you know.

Dumping out my brain...

Can someone please tell me what "microwave safe" means? Does it just mean that it won't make your microwave explode? I thought it meant that the dish in question wouldn't get hot enough to melt your face off, which they indeed seem to do, even if some of the food is still cold. I didn't know that glazed stoneware was full of fat and water. Gee, the things you learn.

And speaking of learning things, it's true- if you move to Hollyweird, you get brain cooties. Perfectly normal people become mental.

And speaking of Hollyweird, I watched a movie last night for the first time in a long time. It was "King Arthur". It was boring, the end.

And speaking of boring, Hillshire Farms lite keilbasa is missing the salt.

And speaking of keilbasa- no no no. That belongs on my other blog. It always comes back to Hugh, doesn't it?

I'm Officially Toasted

My brain is gone, completely gone. I sent my daughter to check on the baby because he was being so quiet that I figured he was up to something. Oh he was up to something alright. Sleeping in my lap!!!!!!!!! God I'm messed up.

Harry Potter #6

This contains spoilers so if you read it, don't whine to me that I ruined your life. Here's your warning. The rest is your choice.







I really liked this book. Of course, I expected to. I really liked all of them. I didn't, however, feel about it the way others told me I would. I didn't feel upset, betrayed, etc. I don't think they realized half of what they read. I'm seeing things very differently than they are. I don't think Dumbledore's death is what they saw it as. I think they're in for some real surprises in the next book.

I'm glad for a few things- that Lupin found love; that Hermione and Ron weren't thrown into a romantic relationship, though their feelings are clearly there; and I'm especially glad that Fleur was redeemed at the end. It disturbs me when an exceptionally beautiful woman is portrayed as shallow and selfish. Clearly there was more to her than that, given her competition in the Triwizard Cup. I think that stereotype is divisive, not to mention offensive and untrue. Women are what they are, beautiful or not. I'm glad she put her future MIL in her place, although I love Molly to pieces. Molly reminds me of myself. I'm also glad Molly was able to accept her and make a loving gesture when she saw the truth.

Now if I could only get my hands on some Puking Pastilles...