They Have to Hire Me Now

Because I've come up with the most fabulous idea they've ever had on television. I think that Hugh needs to be a guest on the LLS, and it should be Naked Week. Or they can just tell him it is. Whichever. Craig's considering it. He has to drop trou too. I would be happy to bake him a pie for his troubles.

A Short Craigspam, for Medicinal Purposes

Lost My Mojo

I can't get anything done. Nothing! The past two weeks have been worthless for me, other than dealing with my daughter's latest health crisis, which is a constant thing. No writing, no good cooking, no social life, no nothing. I feel stoned with or without my meds, except with them I have a slight headache and lean to the left. Being neurologically flavorful is no fun.

I have stuff to write, but can't get it together. Not at JT, not at the Acoustic Cafe. I made several attempts at knitting socks this month (a hint of foreboding) which all resulted in a ball of yarn that has been frogged five or six times and now has bad knitting juju. I put that aside for some cotton. I figured how complicated could a washcloth be? Argh. Mind you, I recently finished an aran sweater for my son. That's no small task. I should be able to knit a frickin' square with pretties in it. It's just not there for me right now. I don't know what to make of it.

I've kinda been running with scissors lately. Maybe this is the universal "you'll put someone's eye out" slowdown. Maybe I can't force my brain, but I'm still trying to force my fingers. Meanwhile, I can't even speak English. At least my kids have a clue what I'm saying and are used to me. Oh, and guess who is headed back to L.A. for "three weeks", which really means four, five, six, who knows?

Here I Sit

Not packing for our trip to PA tomorrow. All the clothes are packed, but I have to do meds and toiletries, which I can't do until after we're done using them in the morning, but still, I'm sure there's something I could be doing, like packing my purse/diaper bag. That's besides dishes and laundry. I might just knit and go to bed and then get up early. I'll move the laundry over, but I hold out no great hope for the dishes.

Meanwhile, I'm pondering the experience I had earlier this week. Never before have I heard death metal played on a digeridoo. My kidneys are still shaking.

I'm an Idiot.

So my special project commences tonight. I'm fairly confident about my work on it. The only thing that could blow it would be nerves. So guess what? I'm very nervous about being very nervous. I need to be smacked in the head.

"Special" Parenting Moment

This morning I was explaining to my daughter why it's important to be able to write well, and how it can make a difference between who gets chosen for a particular job, grant, school, etc. My 5yo chimed in.

5yo: Do you need to write to get a job picking up litter?

ME: No.

5yo: YAY!

I'm so done with this damned stomach virus! Let's see who's tougher against raw garlic! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, don't mess with me because I get crazy! Meanwhile, enjoy this lovely bit of juvenile humor:

I Just Don't Understand!

Why oh why is puking such a popular pastime with my children? WHY???

And why does a drug that is like cocaine to most people put me right to sleep? I'm so frustrated right now, you wouldn't believe. I'm forcing myself to be awake in case I have to hold a bucket under my 3yo's chin.

HAPPY SPRING!

Although my yard is still a tundra, happy first day of spring! We colored eggs today. Although I made a point of staying out of the kitchen while they were boiling, my daughter told me they were peeping again. LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!

We made really good bread nests too. I managed to save some for the Man of the House. I suppose tomorrow we'll go to the park for our annual egg chucking fest. I wish I had some Peeps.

BEST! SIDE-EFFECTS! EVER!!!!!!!!

I was reading Newsweek yesterday and I came across an advertisement for a drug that I can't remember the name of. It's for restless leg syndrome. Anyway, I was reading the side-effects (for amusement) and check it people- hypersexuality and compulsive gambling! I'm not kidding! Well, it will keep their legs from being restless as they cruise the casinos with hookers all night.

My Crazy Life

I just found my car on Consumer Reports "used cars to avoid" list. Yay for me! I'm also so PMS paranoid that I added brownie mix to my grocery order, even though I know I have a box in the pantry. I'm afraid it might not be enough.

But not to worry! I recieved in the mail, the answer to all my problems! That's right, you guessed correctly. I recieved a paper drawing of a hankerchief. It is annointed and blessed! Yes it's a BIBLE hankerchief! All I have to do is write on it the exact amount of money I would like to recieve or the exact amount of brownie mix if I like, put it under my bed with the SPECIAL SEALED PROPHECY that it came with, and the next day, mail it back. WTF? The insane writing all over the envelope was most entertaining.

We are NOT Amused!

A particular harem boy is in deep doodoo tonight. The previous post was just part of a bit that I wrote about the Lichtenstein/Switzerland thing. Yes, I mentioned the terrifying swiss army knives.

GUESS WHAT SAID HAREM BOY/LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST DID IN HIS MONOLOGUE?!!!!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! My children heard me howl. This is not the first time, either.

Look, harem boy, you either need to get the hell out of my brain or give me a job! Mistress is not pleased. Not pleased at all. You get to clean out the gutters now. Grrrrr.

WW III Narrowly Avoided

Switzerland recently invaded Lichtenstein by accident. They got about 2 km in before they realized it and turned around. Lichtenstein is TINY. I’m surprised that at 2 km, they hadn’t already crossed it! It’s barely noticeable.
“Um…”
“What?”
“I think we just stepped in Lichtenstein.”
“Eew!”
“No, it’s okay, it’s a country!”

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

Brought to you by Bruce Springsteen:

"Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims and strap your hands 'cross my engines"

Yeah. 'Nuff said.

I Crack Myself Up...

But I'm not going to tell you why because somehow I don't think you'll be laughing with me. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Feeling Better Today

But not quite better enough. Hmmm. What could cheer me up?

Wolverbutt!!!!!

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Shitteriffic Day

I guess there's not much more I need to add to that. Except FUCKIN' IPOD!!!!!

Speaks for Itself

Just Stuff

Last night I dreamed that I was at some kind of meeting and hadn't had breakfast. Someone kindly gave me a coffee. It was Starbucks. I spent the rest of my dream debating whether or not to drink it. I think that's because I have a stomach virus. Starbucks is pretty much the same thing, but without the chills and body ache.

And on an unrelated note, just a small peeve. Heather Mills didn't lose her leg in a motorcycle accident. That implies that she was riding one and crashed. No, she got hit by one when she was crossing the street. Maybe no big deal to anyone else, but different enough to me to be annoying.

Special Project

I'm working on one and it's moving along nicely, apart from it being literally freezing in the room where I mostly need to work on it. Some people don't believe I'm doing it, I'm sure. Some think I'm crazy (which would help anyway), but mostly people think it's great. Not sure what my husband thinks. He might not want to tell me. Anyway, I'm filled with squee over it and I'm not telling you what it is. Heh. Just that I need a babysitter and a pair of brass ovaries.