SNORK!

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Roman Night at Jackman's Table

BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY SWIZZLE STICK!

Completely Blank

I haven't been very good at putting words together lately. In general, I've not been in a very good state. I basically want to eat, sleep, and scream, and I pretty much do. This is not good, because I have a lot of writing that I should be doing (among other reasons why it's not good). I'm supposed to be writing some promos, some jokes and sketches, finishing my pilot script (which is just for show) and maybe a couple more episodes, and I've got an idea but I can't decide whether it should be a film or tv series. All of this and I cannot get my head together. I'm just wired so tightly. Ugh. Frustrating.

It looks like Craig picked up on my mental state and decided to let me live vicariously through him as he went on a rather spirited rant about putting pineapple on pizza. Bless him. How does he know these things? (Oh, and as an aside, apparently there's some woman who blogs and really does believe that he can read her mind and see her through the TV! Are you creeped out? I'm creeped out!)

I read in Variety that the Late Late Show just got a new showrunner. It's the old showrunner, except that he wasn't the Showrunner, just the showrunner. Apparently they said, "Our show doesn't have a Showrunner, so we should make our showrunner the Showrunner." Very clevah, Mr. Lassally, very clevah.

And the Dumbass Award Goes to...

Me! That's right, me. I had a production meeting tonight. It was west coast time, so 10pm my time. I had pushed for this meeting. Everyone was really loose about it and I was like "no, there's stuff I need to know NOW, and stuff you need to know now, and stuff we need to get done before we start the shoot, and I want to get it all set as soon as possible."

Guess what I did? At the appointed time, I was sitting in my livingroom, starting my second sleeve on my Sahara, and going "I know there's something I was going to do tonight. Laundry? Dishes, definitely dishes..." I'm a total fuckwit! And yes, it's written on all my calendars.

Well, someone else had trouble logging into the video chat, so we're rescheduling. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch for that one. Dumbass.

Younger Siblings are Torture

6yo: (to her sister, in almost a whisper) I've seen your destiny.
10yo: What?! What's the matter with you?! What does that even MEAN?! You're freaky!

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Profound Observation of the Day

Shakira is very yodely.

Words that Don't Belong Together

coven, church, Passover- and yet, that's my weekend.

Questionable Lyrics of the Day

From Train in Vain by The Clash:

You said you love me, that's a fact.
Then you left me for Jungle Jack.


I'm guessing that's not right, but it could be. I like it that way anyway.

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

From Queen/Bowie Under Pressure- I'm pretty sure that I'm misunderstanding the second line here:

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence like a dumbfuck

She Kills Me!

For about a year, my 6yo was trying to scam us with the story that at night, she has a job in California that she gets to by tunnel when we're sleeping. She always spoke about it very seriously, keeping a straight face, and telling us about stuff she bought at the mall there, or what she ate on her lunch break. Tonight at dinner she suddenly said,

"I don't really have a job in California. Instead, I come downstairs and watch TV when everyone's sleeping. I watch Craig Ferguson. I watch a lot of inappropriate television. Mostly 'My Name is Earl'".

I look forward to her synopses.

Odd Day's Happenings

Our son turned four today. I guess he's all grown up now. I asked him not to bat a balloon near the breakables on the fireplace and he said "What's the matter, do I offend?" Um, what?

My husband called me with his ass again. He must have our home number on speed dial or something, because every once in a while it happens. Then I feel like an idiot going "hello? hello?". I can hear him talking to the people at work. This time I said "hold your ears kids" and yelled as loudly as possible into the phone " HELP! LET ME OUT! I'M TRAPPED IN BRIAN'S PANTS! IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Stupid, deaf fuckers. They wrecked my moment of glory. I just hung up. My kids worship me now though.

Hey Jeebus People, What's Yer Point?

You know the people who like to try to convert other people to their religion? They are so annoying and stupid. If they're trying to tell me that heaven is filled with people like them, and hell is filled with people like me, what exactly is it that they think I'd want to change?

The Mystery of Self

I'm not a gemini, nor do I have any kind of disassociative disorder, but I feel so conflicted. I have a really hard time reconciling my humanitarian, compassionate half, who always feels bad for people who are hurting, wants to help, believes in human rights, live and let live, etc. with the misanthropic side of me who is subjected to daily demonstrations that people are fucking fuckwits, and the world would be far better off if humans just spontaneously combusted. That side of me also wants to smack people.

I'm FAT!

Holy crap, I'm serious! I don't think I've ever been this fat. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner tonight. THREE! WHAT THE HELL? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, but I could, then. I didn't even weigh enough to give blood. Phooey.

So now I'm off to do some rond de jambe a thises and rond de jambe a thats, and various other similar thingies while Dave and Craig keep me awake and encouraged. Man, this sucks.

Rock and Roll Confusion

Somebody needs to 'splain somsing. Why was Madonna inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Isn't that for Rock and Roll performers? When did she do that? Makes no sense. And yet, no Alice Cooper.

Happy Pi Day!

Today is 3/14. Pi day. I had planned to bake a pie or two, and of course, teach the kids how to calculate the circumference of that pie. Unfortunately, I am somewhat challenged, and thought that tomorrow was the 14th, and made other plans for today. Well, I'm going to go ahead with it anyway because I'm stubborn. Yay stubbornness!

I'm going to make a vegan cookie pie for my allergic kid, and for the rest of us, I'm thinking chocolate chess. Maybe I'll get a can of cherry filling to go on top. I know, filling from a can! Shocking, isn't it? Well how else would I find pie cherries this time of year? Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed some good pie and math today.

If only I had known it were possible...

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It's the Little Things

I am having a seriously craptacular day. It's been awful. I had one thing that really gave me a lift just now. I just found out that Igor Stravinsky wrote a piece called "Don't Throw Paper Towels in the Toilet". Totally made my day.

It Amazes Me

The concept of that-doesn't-affect-me apathy confounds me. Why would a person be willing to give up his rights just because he happens to be making the same choice as the offender? It's okay for school boards to illegally harrass parents, as long as they aren't illegally harrassing public school parents? People are fine with local governments telling them "you have the right to choose the option we want you to"? That's a right? WTF? It just goes to prove once more that the vast majority of people are STOOPUD.