Wednesday, October 05, 2011
I Can't Deny it.
My house is so cluttered. Last night I dreamed that we were robbed. Everything was gone, even applicances and furniture. All that was left was the actual house. My reaction? "Now I can clean the floors!" Mmmhmm.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
My Brush with Death!
So there I was, sitting on the edge of my bed while contemplating my upcoming shower, as I am wont to do, when I heard the distinct sound of helicopter rotors. Now, I know that I don't own a helicopter, and certainly not any that operate indoors, so that was odd. THEN I SAW IT.
It was a massive flying creature that I've never seen before, that may or may not have had a laser stinger. It looked like it could take me down in a flurry of evil, so I ran out the door, slamming it behind me, screaming for my daughter to bring up the big guns. This called for nothing less than The Hoover.
Unfortunately, I had to actually go into the room to plug it in. The children huddled silently down the hall as I opened the door a small crack. It was no longer flying around. It could be anywhere. What if I stepped on it with my bare feet on the way to the outlet? What if it was just waiting to ambush me? There are no what ifs in life. You either go in, or you don't. I went in.
Being that it was the size of my grandma, I spotted it quickly and easily. It was perched upon the ceiling fan, confident and unafraid. I fired up my weapon and my courage almost failed me when it demonstrated that it was no simple pantry moth, and a little air current posed no challenge to it. It took off, and I started screaming. The children started screaming. I chased it with the hose, but it easily flew out of the line of suction. It landed back on the ceiling fan, and the scenario repeated itself, with the children and me screaming the whole time. Then it flew behind the bed.
I had visions of it creeping up during the night and eating my brain out through the hole it had bored in my skull with its stinger. Fortunately, it was just sitting there on the boxspring. This time I got it. I GOT IT!!!!!! Cheers erupted from the crowd of onlookers. I kept the vacuum cleaner on for several minutes, lest it use its unnatural size and strength to crawl back out. So far so good.
I wish I had a picture of it, but that just wasn't going to happen. You can probably find an image of it by googling for "Giant Motherfucking Bug of Death". If you see one, run.
It was a massive flying creature that I've never seen before, that may or may not have had a laser stinger. It looked like it could take me down in a flurry of evil, so I ran out the door, slamming it behind me, screaming for my daughter to bring up the big guns. This called for nothing less than The Hoover.
Unfortunately, I had to actually go into the room to plug it in. The children huddled silently down the hall as I opened the door a small crack. It was no longer flying around. It could be anywhere. What if I stepped on it with my bare feet on the way to the outlet? What if it was just waiting to ambush me? There are no what ifs in life. You either go in, or you don't. I went in.
Being that it was the size of my grandma, I spotted it quickly and easily. It was perched upon the ceiling fan, confident and unafraid. I fired up my weapon and my courage almost failed me when it demonstrated that it was no simple pantry moth, and a little air current posed no challenge to it. It took off, and I started screaming. The children started screaming. I chased it with the hose, but it easily flew out of the line of suction. It landed back on the ceiling fan, and the scenario repeated itself, with the children and me screaming the whole time. Then it flew behind the bed.
I had visions of it creeping up during the night and eating my brain out through the hole it had bored in my skull with its stinger. Fortunately, it was just sitting there on the boxspring. This time I got it. I GOT IT!!!!!! Cheers erupted from the crowd of onlookers. I kept the vacuum cleaner on for several minutes, lest it use its unnatural size and strength to crawl back out. So far so good.
I wish I had a picture of it, but that just wasn't going to happen. You can probably find an image of it by googling for "Giant Motherfucking Bug of Death". If you see one, run.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)