Trouble in Paradise

Craig's training is not going well. Last night I was watching his show, and he told Carmen Electra that he can't imagine ever being in a situation where he'd need to know how to give a lap dance. I can't believe he said that. Of course, I immediately put Hugh in charge of his training. That should set things right. I still can't believe he said that.

It's a Miracle!

Today is my son's first birthday. I guess you're figuring the title of my post refers to the miracle of life, of watching a child grow, etc. Yeah, okay, that too, but the real miracle is that in six minutes, I will have officially survived one year of being a mother of three. Okay, I'm much the worse for wear, but not as much as I thought I'd be. The children survived too.

My husband doesn't count. He gets to be all safe at work most of the time. My kids wait until he leaves for work before they all puke simultaneously. Any bones that snap or crunch also do it after he's settled comfortably on the train, reading his newspaper or napping. If I could do that, I probably wouldn't be so cranky. I wouldn't even have to go anywhere. Just three hours on the train sounds good to me. He gets that everyday. THREE HOURS EVERYDAY of nothing and nobody. It's unreal.

It's Shike N' Bike! An Ah Heyelped!

As I was cooking dinner last night, I thought of all those stupid commercials for things like Hamburger Helper or Shake N' Bake. The ones where they're sitting around the table laughing and nodding, but not speaking, presumably because their mouths are full of food. They just look at each other and nod and laugh. I'm picturing

Mom: Fun, isn't it?
Kids: Yeah! Chicken is waaaay more fun than the stuff we ate yesterday!
Dad: Thanks hon, this chicken is actually hilarious!

But it's all being implied with their expressions, and of course, being such a close family now that they have this product, they understand each other completely.

I might be a bad person, but I want to hit them all. Possibly knock their heads together because they're acting so stupid. Maybe mom just can't take it anymore and made it mushroom flavored.

Craptastic!

A few nights ago, I watched "A Knight's Tale". The opening scene was a tournament and they had Queen's "We Will Rock You" for the music. Everyone was stomping and pounding and clapping and singing it. Now, that was just stupid, but it was so cool too. At least until I realized that it was just a bunch of rennies. But how cool would it have been if it were the real thing? I know, I'm a twit. Anyway, it makes me want to watch the Freddie Mercury tribute concert. I believe one of Lizzy's boyfriends is in that one. Oh, and Liza singing "We Are the Champions". That's Craptastic!ism at it's best. Once you learn to stomach it, that is.

??????

I was out and about today and took a little snack break at Target. I was sitting there, eating some Combos when I saw on the bag that it is "Nascar's Cheese Filled Snack!" I wonder what that means. Do they have a chocolate covered snack? A beef flavored snack? What other kinds of snacks to they "have" and what does it mean by that? Nascar isn't a person so how does a snack belong to it? I do know that that particular bag was mine because I paid for it. I don't care if their name is on it, I didn't sign anything saying they could take it back. I just paid regular price and I ate it.

In a Bungalow While Monkeys Play Above-a

There's this animal show on PBS called Zoboomafoo. It's really cool. Where else can you learn that a binturon smells like popcorn? I've never even seen a binturon, much less smelled one. The only drawback is the dumb lemur, who I'd like to skin and make a hat from. What I especially like about the show are the hosts, the Kratt brothers. They are a couple of real cuties, and at first, you don't really notice that, but they start to grow on you, they really do. After about a week, you think "Damn, that Martin is hot!" No, it's not just me. I had another mom point it out to me, and before I knew it, a whole bunch of them agreed. It's just nobody wanted to say anything. I think the Kratts are aware of this, because they make sure to get wet and/or muddy during each episode. Of course, they're perfectly clean and dry in the next scene. If you TIVO it, you can watch it later with your friends as a drinking or betting game.

A friend of mine is an arts/entertainment columnist for a newspaper. She did a phone interview with one of them, but first, she interviewed some kids to find out what they liked best about the show. My daughter was one of them. I think she was four at the time. She summed it up with this:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no panth, I'm going thwimming!

I'm waiting patiently to see them swimming with no panth, but I think they'd have to make a whole other show for that. I think I'll suggest it to PBS.

Fun for the Feeble Minded

My baby likes to take his naps in my lap, which is when I usually spend time at the computer (like now). It's an easy way to entertain myself for an hour, while I hope my daughters don't cause disaster. Anyway, so I've found these online word search puzzles. They just give you the theme, no word list, so you have to actually know what you're looking for. I was just doing one about mammals and I actually sat here trying to decide if a tibbar is a mammal. So I circled it to find out, and when it took it, I was kinda surprised, until I realized I had circled "rabbit". Look, if you had my kids you'd be an idiot too. I did get "capybara" all by myself though. Which leads me to my next post...

One of Life's Mysteries Solved

I used to wonder why people took drugs. Now I know. Today I have been bitten, smacked in the face with a handful of toilet water, lost a handful of hair, wrestled a very surprisingly strong baby to keep him from flinging poop and throwing himself onto his head off the couch while he screamed like he was being murdered, which only resulted in both of us being covered with diaper ointment. He is on his third outfit. My daughter is on her second. I have a feeling we'll be changing her clothes again today as well. They kept me up last night, fighting over the blankets. I am so tired and headachy. The baby is finally asleep on my lap, which leaves the girls to scream at each other, hopefully without anyone getting hurt. Now I only wonder why people who don't have children take drugs.

Happy Spring!

Today is the equinox. The kids and I will be coloring eggs. I just put some on to boil and after a minute or so, I heard a peeping sound coming from the pot! I'm serious! So of course, I told myself that a chick couldn't survive the delivery, supermarket, fridge, etc. and it's just the bubbles, but still, I took out every egg and listened to it and couldn't find which one was peeping. I don't remember that happening before and I'm very paranoid now. Thankfully, we don't eat the eggs. We chuck them in the pond while we sing and make wishes. I can't believe an egg was peeping. It's going to be a while before I get over this. Happy spring anyway!

Surprises

Okay, so as my husband so kindly pointed out, Tino is back in pinstripes. I didn't realize this, as he hasn't called, which I can't blame him for. At least he hasn't called me. Anything else you want to tell me about honey?

Absolutely Shocking

The other day I sent my husband to get me a big bottle of vanilla extract. When he got back he asked me incredulously if it was squeezed from gold. He suggested that perhaps I start using imitation vanilla extract instead. Oh. My. God. I'll use it when I'm living in a cardboard box and wearing a hefty bag. The fact that I won't have an oven then will only improve the flavor. (Raven would have SPAKed him)

Decisions, Decisions

I'm thinking about adding Craig Ferguson to my harem but I'm not sure. I'm afraid the others might pick on him. Not Hugh, he's always nice, and I think he'd get along well with my husband. Idunno if Wolvie will be so happy though. He was thrilled when I dumped Tino. (Having a long-distance relationship just wasn't working for me and he's just a different person now that he's not wearing the pinstripes. So sad) I think Craig would find Sir Paul a bit intimidating. Perhaps Bobby could take him under his wing as his marinade assistant for a while, until he finds his place. Well, I guess I'll just fax him the application he requested and see how it goes.

No, not that boyfriend, this one. Yes, I have more than one. My cranky one understands me. My happy one keeps me from killing people. (and I'm sorry, I forgot where I nicked this one from. Probably JL)

It's Official

Variety reports that indeed my boyfriend will be hosting the Tony awards again this year. Though as someone pointed out, it was official when his wife said so. Yeah, my boyfriend has a wife, so what? My husband doesn't mind.

My Continual Childhood

Toon Disney has been playing The X-Men and Spiderman cartoons late at night so I TIVO'd them. My kids and I all love them. I wish they still had the Hulk and stuff. I tried to get those from Netflix but they don't have them. I realized something crazy. I still know most of the theme songs. I don't remember Iron Man at all, but I remember almost all of the Hulk, Captain America, and Spiderman.

When Captain America throws his mighty shield
All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield!
When he's lead to a fight and the duel is through
Then the red and the white and the blue comes through
When Captain America throws his mighty shield!

Doc Bruce Banner (something) by gamma rays
Turns into the Hulk.
Ain't he unglamorous?
Wrecking the town with the power of a bull
Ain't no monster clown who is as lovable
As ever loving Hulk!
Hulk! Hulk!

For Thor, I only remember the last line. I can't believe the stupid new music they use for Spiderman. That was a cool song and now it's just chanting "Spiderman, Spiderman". My kids need to learn the real song! It's part of their cultural enrichment!

I'm an Idiot

I can't believe I did this again. Okay, I need a tattoo. It has to be in an obvious place where everyone, including myself can see it. It simply has to say "lactose intolerant". So if Wolvie and I make those brownies, I have to remember to grab the lactaid instead of the regular stuff. Meanwhile, bleah.

I lied. Hee hee! 

Okay, it was two more. Sorry. It's a sickness. I'll stop now, really. 

Just one more, because I have to. 

Bad Entertainment

So the other night, "The Mummy" was on. Not the old one, the new one. I hadn't seen it and thought it would be cool, and it pretty much was. If nothing else, there was Brendan Fraser looking all Indiana Jones. Well, so it was pretty fun until they actually found the lost city or whatever and when the bug ate through the guy's boot, through his foot, up his leg, and started running around in his chest while the guy screamed, I was done. That was it for me. Bleah. BLEAH!!!!

Yeah, I'm still feeling cranky and grumbly. I feel just like that picture. growlsnarlgrowlgrumble. I haven't been able to write for Jackman's Table in days. Longer, I think. I don't like that. Now stop lookin' at me.

What are you lookin' at, bub? 

Ugh

Brain...hurts... sinuses...help...need...spoon...remove...eyeballs...

Today I'm feeling rather cranky and complainey. (really? how is that possible?) Shut up!

Verohneecah sent me this. She snapped it just after he finished slicing Raven's cheesecake.  

"The Fountain", Chest Hair, and Blah Blah

Okay, I know there are a few of you out there who are very unhappy today, given a certian photo that has recently popped up on the internet. Why not set a spell and let me tell you a little story...

When I met the love of my life, he had three pathetic little hairs right in the middle of his chest, desperately struggling for survival, and their chances didn't look very good. It was the saddest thing you ever did see, but did I love him? Yes. So I decided that the chest hair issue would just have to become less important in my life (shudder). I stuck by him and when he turned twenty-five or so, my patience and devotion were greatly rewarded with the perfect pectoral pelt. Who knew? So you see, my little lovelies, don't fret. At least you know our guy HAS chest hair, it just has to grow back, and you know it's gonna be nice.

Of course, to be fair, eyebrows are a hit or miss thing. Sometimes they don't grow back. I'll be following that one...

The Strange Effects of Tupperware

I took my children to a birthday party yesterday. Given my daughter's food allergies, as usual, I brought cupcakes that I had made that were safe for her. The birthday family, who are friends of mine, enjoy my cupcakes and took them home afterward. My husband asked me later if all the cupcakes had been eaten and I told him probably by now they were because I sent them home with the Hawthornes.

BRIAN: Oh, that was nice. Um...did you, um....did you give them the carrier?
ME: No, I said "here, stick a dozen cupcakes in your pocket."
BRIAN: Oh. Well...I guess we'll get it back.
ME: Whaddaya mean? Of COURSE we'll get it back!
BRIAN: Yeah, I know.

The funny thing is, my friend who I gave it to asked me if the carrier could go in the dishwasher. She has a thing about not wanting anything that she can't put in the dishwasher, so if I had told her no, she probably WOULD have put them in her pocket. Hey girl, you know I love ya.

Cigar Break

A little more tongue with your beer, Casey?

Do the Wolvie Dance

This is what happens when your BB's are stuck on high.