My Children Appreciate Me

What I Get Up to in My Sleep

Last night, I dreamed that my dear friend and fellow Janmom, Cathy, was directing a musical at some snooty boarding school. It was some kind of weird version of "Bye Bye Birdie". She hired me for some reason or other. I was kind of a consultant, and was supposed to be there in case anything blew up. Anyway, it starred Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster. I cannot stand Sutton Foster, although I'm sure she's a lovely person. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag, and has one of those faces. It was driving me batshit, so Cathy, friend to the end, canned her. Unfortunately, she recast the role with Terri Hatcher. I just decided to bite the bullet, and we resumed rehearsals.

For some reason, the cast brought their own costumes. In act one, Hugh was in a very nicely tailored grey suit. By act two, it degenerated to this:

One afternoon during lunch break, I was sitting in the cafeteria enjoying something or other with lettuce on wheat, and gazing at a moving picture ala Hogwarts. It was a bucolic scene with rambling wildlife. Hugh was at the table next to mine reading his director's notes. He gave a little snort and read out loud, "Keep the nice grey suit, because it makes you look smokin' hot. (Yes, Cathy wrote that) Get rid of the floods. This is per Rima, who should know, because she looks at you like 17, 563 times a day." He looked at me and said "17, 563 times a day?" I said no, but I have some friends who do. He said "Really? Who?" I mentioned that Kristin has access to various photo sites that are not open to the general public. He was intrigued and asked if she could get him in and I said I was sure they could work something out. Then I said "Of course, there's Lizzy. She has what, 350 pictures of the two of you together?" He said "You know Lizzy??? Wait, of course you do. EVERYBODY knows Lizzy. It's part of what makes her Lizzy!" (He really does know Lizzy)

So then I showed him the above photo on my laptop and said "I just thank the gods that you didn't bring the Mickey Mouse shoes. Look at that. That's a guy who needs a 'kick me' sign on his back". He scrunched up his face and said he wanted to fill his car with shaving cream, and that he didn't realize that outfit was so incredibly dorky. He said his friend designed it. I said that was pretty obvious and that I didn't care if his grandma made it for him, ditch it. So he said okay.

Then he said that he had heard of a charity that the students were involved in, and did I know anything about it. I told him yes, they find books that don't have any pictures of mustaches or ducks, and they draw them in. He is totally into charity and causes, so he got all excited. He said "Do you think I could talk to Cathy about getting the whole cast and crew involved?" I said "I think that's what she's doing right now. Let's go see." So we went up to her office, and indeed she had a stack of books that she was modifying. Hugh and I each grabbed a pen and started going through pages, drawing in mustaches and ducks where there were none before. Cathy had gone through "Make Way for Ducklings", and put mustaches on all the ducks.

That was it. Then I woke up.

The ABC Afterschool Special

In the effort to get the youngest sprog into his own room, last night I decided that I would sleep with him in his big bed. He agreed to that, and we snuggled up happily together and fell asleep. I promised I'd stay there all night.

Shortly thereafter, my back and hips reminded me that I cannot sleep on wood slats. I kept waking up from the pain. At 6:30am I decided I couldn't take it anymore and needed to go back to my foam-topped mattress. Getting up was hard. Getting down the ladder was harder. I knew that he would flip his shit if he woke up in the morning and I wasn't there, so I tried to wake him, and get him to come with me, but no success. I sent my husband in to get him. He managed to wake the kid, who screamed, "WHERE IS MOMMY!!! WHY DID SHE LEAVE?!"

I laughed so hard. He didn't appreciate that. I'm still kinda giggling.

Quote of the Day

My kids are playing a racing video game. There was some kind of glitch, and the car just suddenly appeared somewhere else. My daughter yelled "Ooh! Wormhole!" and my son angrily replied "DON'T YOU CALL ME A WORMHOLE!!!" Special.

Quotes of the Day

5yo: Do they have beer with the happy meals?

7y0: Do you think that when I wake up on my birthday, there will be a spiral sliced ham on my bed?

The Case of the Suspicious Squirrel

BEST MESSAGE EVER!!!

Thank you, Facebook for providing me the opportunity to receive the following message:

i was trying to pet your monkey and accidentally attacked it. sorry, i didnt mean to attack your monkey. but i did pet you monkey several times.

It made my day.

The other day I was in the gaming store and got hit on by a young geek boy. Alas, he wasn't cute. I'm sure he was a virgin. We were looking at D&D books and he seemed pretty excited to see me, and asked me if I played and was here for the meetup. I don't think there was one at that time, actually. I told him I was there while my CHILDREN were playing Pokemon. This didn't seem to deter him. He invited me to the monthly meetup, which, from his enthusiasm, I am going to assume has no chicks in it.

While hanging out there, I had a Sky Bar, which I haven't had in forever. I've forgotten what cheap crap chocolate tastes like. Blech. I've become spoiled. I'm not sure there was even any cocoa in that. Ah well. At least I had a nice time taunting the kid who keeps losing his pen and mooching from everyone else. Cute little fellow.

Dear Samantha Brown

Dear Samantha Brown,

Please STFU! You are an embarrassment to Americans everywhere. Nobody thinks you're cute when you ask an obviously stupid and ignorant question that you KNOW is obviously stupid and ignorant. You can't even be bothered to learn how to pronounce the name of the place you're visiting. You are not a traveler, you are a tourist. Thank the gods for Anthony Bourdain.

With Restraint,

Rima

Harem Boys

I do believe they were planning my birthday lap dance. I'm looking forward to it. The big guy on the right is legally obligated. The one on the left just can't help himself.

Signs

I just came back from a short vacation. While I was away, I snapped a couple of interesting pictures. Interpret them as you will. Some doobage might help.

Car Conversation

While on a long trip today, all was quiet, and then out of the blue my 5yo announced the following: "If I'm ever stuck at the bottom of a pit, I hope my whole family is in there with me". Gee, thanks kid.

So then my daughter asked him if he thought it would be better to NOT have us all stuck down there with him so that maybe we could rescue him. He made a new announcement.

"If I'm ever stuck at the bottom of a pit, I hope my whole family isn't stuck in there with me, so that they can rescue me."

Goofball.

I'm still a little queasy

There are times when a writer gets a big punch in the stomach. Today, I am that writer. I almost lost it. I almost called my mentor in a big panic. I figured he'd understand, but I don't know whether he could have understood what the hell I was saying. I have put months of painstaking work into this story, and I've thoroughly loved every second of research that leads to more research, and the idea of it now all being a useless pile of poop sent me into a tailspin. However, I've decided to twist this somehow. I'm going to use this to make it better, rather than as a stroke of shitty luck. At least that's the plan. Can I do it? I guess it will be a test of my abilities. :P

Happy Celebration of the Maternal Unit

Mothers' Day is an interesting concept. It seems simple enough, but like being a mother, it isn't. In any case, the kids and I will go to my mom's for the afternoon. I informed my 5yo that tomorrow he can't give me any trouble. Whatever I tell him to do, he has to just say "Yes, Mama" and do it. The look on his face was priceless. He didn't expect that one bit. He expected that he'd get to eat cake and that was it. I could see him wondering whether it was some kind of legal thing or if he could get away with bending that rule.

I did get an interesting greeting though. I get a weekly email from my grocery delivery service. This week's subject line: "Hot Meat Specials for Mothers' Day". Yeah, um, that's really thoughtful of you all, but I'm all set for that, thanks.

THIS is why I had children!

Have you seen the Chuck E. Cheese's commercial with the new "25 cent fun" slogan? Well it came on and my 7yo said "I'll show you 25 cent fun". She went and got a quarter, dropped it into the swear jar, and yelled "Crap!" and beamed with joy. Moments like that make it all worth it!

LSG POSTAL NINJA!!!!!

Someone in Arizona is crazy and wonderful. I was having a rather crappy day today when I decided to get the mail. In it was a plain white envelope with "LSG" as the only return address. Inside was an origami strawberry and five of those plastic fortune telling fish thingies that curl up in your hand. I really needed that silliness! Thank you LSG Postal Ninja, whoever you are! XOXOXOXO!

The Vapors

I always wondered what it meant when I'd read that someone had the vapors. I noticed that it was only women, but I figured it was because they were thought of as so weak and fragile. Someone told me that it was gas, and that it would get trapped and painful because of corsets. People could die of the vapors if the corset caused gastric torsion, but I finally looked it up and found that it was more mental than physical in its symptoms.

The vapors was their way of saying PMS. How one dies of PMS, I don't know, but here's a nice picture of a lady with the vapors. I think her husband asked her why she was so cranky that day

Admiring the Architecture of New Harem Boy

I have to stay up until the laundry is done, and I am too tired to have a brain, so here are some pretty pictures. Again, I messed with a couple because I'm that way. I don't know why Blogger has cut them off on the right, but they're still lovely.

#1 Auditioning for the exotic dancing portion of the harem duties.



#2 Working at his primary duty of looking pretty for Mistress. Nice touch with the eye sparkle. He gets extra dessert.



#3 Thinking that his encroachment on Wolverine's territory was totally worth it.

#4 Stunned by my beauty

#5 I'm sorry, darling, but no smoking allowed inside the house. You and Wolvie will have to go outside together.

Parenting WIN!

My daughter had been using newspaper for an "arps and craps" project. When I went up to get her laundry, the newspapers were all over the place in a big mess, so I told her to collect them all and take them out of her room. Of course, this meant to put them in the newspaper bin. However, her alien brain works differently. For some reason, she got one of those green supermarket shopping bags, put all the newspapers in it, and put the whole thing in the livingroom, where one of the younger podlings dumped it all over the couch, followed by youngest podling tripping on the bag.

Of course, I yelled at her. I didn't understand why she didn't just put them in the bin, which was infinitely more simple than the option she chose. I, still shreiking, said that I hadn't told her to put them in a grocery bag in the livingroom, to which she replied, "You didn't tell me not to."

OH NO SHE DIDN'T, GIRLFRIEND! OH YES SHE DID!

I told her "Do not pull that crap with me, child!" Following her around like a crazy stalker, and still yelling, I asked if she had eaten any, because I hadn't told her not to. Did she stick any up her butt? I hadn't told her not to. Did she pack any up and send them to a needy family in Cambodia, because I hadn't told her not to! She was half laughing, half terrified. She thought I had finally lost my mind. (Little does she know that it's long gone).

That's right, kid. You cannot outsmartass me. I'm where you got your smartassery from!!! I've been a smartass many years longer than you have. It just ain't gonna happen.

My Triumphant Return!

It's been a shamefully long time since I've posted here. I've been trying to learn to edit video, make screencaps, use photo editors, etc. so I will begin my return with a picspam of my newest harem boy. The last picture is for those of you who can't figure out who he is. Yes, I've altered a couple. Enjoy.