Crap For Thought

I Can't Deny it.

2011-10-05T17:06:00.001-05:00

My house is so cluttered. Last night I dreamed that we were robbed. Everything was gone, even applicances and furniture. All that was left was the actual house. My reaction? "Now I can clean the floors!" Mmmhmm.

My Brush with Death!

2011-09-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

So there I was, sitting on the edge of my bed while contemplating my upcoming shower, as I am wont to do, when I heard the distinct sound of helicopter rotors. Now, I know that I don't own a helicopter, and certainly not any that operate indoors, so that was odd. THEN I SAW IT.

It was a massive flying creature that I've never seen before, that may or may not have had a laser stinger. It looked like it could take me down in a flurry of evil, so I ran out the door, slamming it behind me, screaming for my daughter to bring up the big guns. This called for nothing less than The Hoover.

Unfortunately, I had to actually go into the room to plug it in. The children huddled silently down the hall as I opened the door a small crack. It was no longer flying around. It could be anywhere. What if I stepped on it with my bare feet on the way to the outlet? What if it was just waiting to ambush me? There are no what ifs in life. You either go in, or you don't. I went in.

Being that it was the size of my grandma, I spotted it quickly and easily. It was perched upon the ceiling fan, confident and unafraid. I fired up my weapon and my courage almost failed me when it demonstrated that it was no simple pantry moth, and a little air current posed no challenge to it. It took off, and I started screaming. The children started screaming. I chased it with the hose, but it easily flew out of the line of suction. It landed back on the ceiling fan, and the scenario repeated itself, with the children and me screaming the whole time. Then it flew behind the bed.

I had visions of it creeping up during the night and eating my brain out through the hole it had bored in my skull with its stinger. Fortunately, it was just sitting there on the boxspring. This time I got it. I GOT IT!!!!!! Cheers erupted from the crowd of onlookers. I kept the vacuum cleaner on for several minutes, lest it use its unnatural size and strength to crawl back out. So far so good.

I wish I had a picture of it, but that just wasn't going to happen. You can probably find an image of it by googling for "Giant Motherfucking Bug of Death". If you see one, run.

Squirrel Cake?

2010-09-22T10:22:00.002-05:00

So yet another crazy dream starring Hugh Jackman. His little sister was getting married, and she put him in charge of the cake. He asked me to go with him for the tastings and help him out, so I did. All the cakes were gorgeous and delicious, but he thought they were all crap. He finally admitted that he doesn't like cake, so it didn't really get anywhere.

Meanwhile, we were accompanied by his pet squirrel. Said pet was adorable until he suddenly lurched at my foot (I was wearing flip flops) and sunk his teeth and claws into it. Hugh was unable to get the squirrel off my foot, so he told me a hot bath would make me feel better. I thought he was crazy, but he said "trust me". So I got into the bath and after a minute or two, the squirrel drowned and let go of my foot. Hugh came in and fished it out and said "See? All bettah!" with his usual Hugh grin.

Life is weird.

Feeling Like an Impostor

2010-06-23T18:53:00.002-05:00

I went to my first board meeting last night. I still have no idea who nominated me, or why. Anyway, they were talking about things like endowment funds, consulting contracts, etc., and I just kind of wondered what I was doing there. It's not that I'm not useful. I can write jokes, knit all kinds of things, and pour stuff into a bottle without using a funnel. Perhaps one of these skills will come in handy at one or two meetings. I'm figuring that this will be good practice in case I ever become an adult. Oh, and did I mention that I have a vote on every decision? Wish us luck.

Plumbing

2010-06-07T22:19:00.002-05:00

When your husband is under the sink at 11 at night, trying to fix it, and mumbles to himself "aw this is gonna be expensive", that can't be good.

And you know how the Drano label says to rinse immediately if you get it on your skin? Yeah, do that, even if your husband finds it "cool" that your flesh is dissolving in a weird manner.

Holy Macaroni

2010-05-07T14:07:00.004-05:00

I saw this in the supermarket. When the Hebrews were wandering through the desert and ran out of food, Moses told them to put out their baskets, and God made baked ziti fall from the skies. I'm noting the "complete idiot" part of the title. Hmm...

It's a Scam!

2010-05-07T10:53:00.002-05:00

I feel that I should let the world know that there is no such thing as prune juice. The whole point of prunes is that they have no juice. If they did, they'd be plums. So why isn't it called "plum juice"? I think it's actually prunes that are ground to dust, then mixed with water. It really should be called "prune suspension". Doesn't the FDA check this stuff?

Of course, I don't drink prune juice, so whatevs yo, but I thought I'd perform this public service.

Another Special Dream!

2010-04-15T16:00:00.003-05:00

Last night I dreamed that Craig Ferguson paid me big bucks to stay home and tell my cat jokes all day. The cat would laugh and tell me jokes back. It was awesome. Then one day I overheard my grandmother speaking to my mother. She said "That girl is not quite right". She said I imagined my cat telling me jokes, and that if I kept this up, I would have no future except in a mental institution. My mom just shrugged.

I was concerned, so I asked Craig, "What if my cat isn't really telling me jokes? What if I'm just imagining it?" He said he didn't give a shit, because either way it was hilarious. I asked him if he knew Lizzy. He said no, and I was shocked. Then Craig and I made out on a bus on the way to a giant puppet parade in Soho.

WTF? Even I'm shaking my head at this one.

Poor Robin

2010-02-11T18:35:00.002-05:00

My Children Appreciate Me

2010-02-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

What I Get Up to in My Sleep

2010-02-06T15:23:00.005-05:00

Last night, I dreamed that my dear friend and fellow Janmom, Cathy, was directing a musical at some snooty boarding school. It was some kind of weird version of "Bye Bye Birdie". She hired me for some reason or other. I was kind of a consultant, and was supposed to be there in case anything blew up. Anyway, it starred Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster. I cannot stand Sutton Foster, although I'm sure she's a lovely person. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag, and has one of those faces. It was driving me batshit, so Cathy, friend to the end, canned her. Unfortunately, she recast the role with Terri Hatcher. I just decided to bite the bullet, and we resumed rehearsals.

For some reason, the cast brought their own costumes. In act one, Hugh was in a very nicely tailored grey suit. By act two, it degenerated to this:

One afternoon during lunch break, I was sitting in the cafeteria enjoying something or other with lettuce on wheat, and gazing at a moving picture ala Hogwarts. It was a bucolic scene with rambling wildlife. Hugh was at the table next to mine reading his director's notes. He gave a little snort and read out loud, "Keep the nice grey suit, because it makes you look smokin' hot. (Yes, Cathy wrote that) Get rid of the floods. This is per Rima, who should know, because she looks at you like 17, 563 times a day." He looked at me and said "17, 563 times a day?" I said no, but I have some friends who do. He said "Really? Who?" I mentioned that Kristin has access to various photo sites that are not open to the general public. He was intrigued and asked if she could get him in and I said I was sure they could work something out. Then I said "Of course, there's Lizzy. She has what, 350 pictures of the two of you together?" He said "You know Lizzy??? Wait, of course you do. EVERYBODY knows Lizzy. It's part of what makes her Lizzy!" (He really does know Lizzy)

So then I showed him the above photo on my laptop and said "I just thank the gods that you didn't bring the Mickey Mouse shoes. Look at that. That's a guy who needs a 'kick me' sign on his back". He scrunched up his face and said he wanted to fill his car with shaving cream, and that he didn't realize that outfit was so incredibly dorky. He said his friend designed it. I said that was pretty obvious and that I didn't care if his grandma made it for him, ditch it. So he said okay.

Then he said that he had heard of a charity that the students were involved in, and did I know anything about it. I told him yes, they find books that don't have any pictures of mustaches or ducks, and they draw them in. He is totally into charity and causes, so he got all excited. He said "Do you think I could talk to Cathy about getting the whole cast and crew involved?" I said "I think that's what she's doing right now. Let's go see." So we went up to her office, and indeed she had a stack of books that she was modifying. Hugh and I each grabbed a pen and started going through pages, drawing in mustaches and ducks where there were none before. Cathy had gone through "Make Way for Ducklings", and put mustaches on all the ducks.

That was it. Then I woke up.

The ABC Afterschool Special

2010-01-29T17:43:00.003-05:00

In the effort to get the youngest sprog into his own room, last night I decided that I would sleep with him in his big bed. He agreed to that, and we snuggled up happily together and fell asleep. I promised I'd stay there all night.

Shortly thereafter, my back and hips reminded me that I cannot sleep on wood slats. I kept waking up from the pain. At 6:30am I decided I couldn't take it anymore and needed to go back to my foam-topped mattress. Getting up was hard. Getting down the ladder was harder. I knew that he would flip his shit if he woke up in the morning and I wasn't there, so I tried to wake him, and get him to come with me, but no success. I sent my husband in to get him. He managed to wake the kid, who screamed, "WHERE IS MOMMY!!! WHY DID SHE LEAVE?!"

I laughed so hard. He didn't appreciate that. I'm still kinda giggling.

Quote of the Day

2009-10-08T19:32:00.002-05:00

My kids are playing a racing video game. There was some kind of glitch, and the car just suddenly appeared somewhere else. My daughter yelled "Ooh! Wormhole!" and my son angrily replied "DON'T YOU CALL ME A WORMHOLE!!!" Special.

Quotes of the Day

2009-09-01T11:47:00.002-05:00

5yo: Do they have beer with the happy meals?

7y0: Do you think that when I wake up on my birthday, there will be a spiral sliced ham on my bed?

The Case of the Suspicious Squirrel

2009-08-22T21:36:00.001-05:00

BEST MESSAGE EVER!!!

2009-08-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Facebook for providing me the opportunity to receive the following message:

i was trying to pet your monkey and accidentally attacked it. sorry, i didnt mean to attack your monkey. but i did pet you monkey several times.

It made my day.

2009-08-04T20:44:00.002-05:00

The other day I was in the gaming store and got hit on by a young geek boy. Alas, he wasn't cute. I'm sure he was a virgin. We were looking at D&D books and he seemed pretty excited to see me, and asked me if I played and was here for the meetup. I don't think there was one at that time, actually. I told him I was there while my CHILDREN were playing Pokemon. This didn't seem to deter him. He invited me to the monthly meetup, which, from his enthusiasm, I am going to assume has no chicks in it.

While hanging out there, I had a Sky Bar, which I haven't had in forever. I've forgotten what cheap crap chocolate tastes like. Blech. I've become spoiled. I'm not sure there was even any cocoa in that. Ah well. At least I had a nice time taunting the kid who keeps losing his pen and mooching from everyone else. Cute little fellow.

Dear Samantha Brown

2009-07-20T14:49:00.002-05:00

Dear Samantha Brown,

Please STFU! You are an embarrassment to Americans everywhere. Nobody thinks you're cute when you ask an obviously stupid and ignorant question that you KNOW is obviously stupid and ignorant. You can't even be bothered to learn how to pronounce the name of the place you're visiting. You are not a traveler, you are a tourist. Thank the gods for Anthony Bourdain.

With Restraint,

Rima

Harem Boys

2009-06-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

I do believe they were planning my birthday lap dance. I'm looking forward to it. The big guy on the right is legally obligated. The one on the left just can't help himself.

Signs

2009-06-27T21:22:00.004-05:00

I just came back from a short vacation. While I was away, I snapped a couple of interesting pictures. Interpret them as you will. Some doobage might help.

Car Conversation

2009-06-08T19:20:00.003-05:00

While on a long trip today, all was quiet, and then out of the blue my 5yo announced the following: "If I'm ever stuck at the bottom of a pit, I hope my whole family is in there with me". Gee, thanks kid.

So then my daughter asked him if he thought it would be better to NOT have us all stuck down there with him so that maybe we could rescue him. He made a new announcement.

"If I'm ever stuck at the bottom of a pit, I hope my whole family isn't stuck in there with me, so that they can rescue me."

Goofball.

I'm still a little queasy

2009-05-18T16:48:00.003-05:00

There are times when a writer gets a big punch in the stomach. Today, I am that writer. I almost lost it. I almost called my mentor in a big panic. I figured he'd understand, but I don't know whether he could have understood what the hell I was saying. I have put months of painstaking work into this story, and I've thoroughly loved every second of research that leads to more research, and the idea of it now all being a useless pile of poop sent me into a tailspin. However, I've decided to twist this somehow. I'm going to use this to make it better, rather than as a stroke of shitty luck. At least that's the plan. Can I do it? I guess it will be a test of my abilities. :P

Happy Celebration of the Maternal Unit

2009-05-09T21:07:00.002-05:00

Mothers' Day is an interesting concept. It seems simple enough, but like being a mother, it isn't. In any case, the kids and I will go to my mom's for the afternoon. I informed my 5yo that tomorrow he can't give me any trouble. Whatever I tell him to do, he has to just say "Yes, Mama" and do it. The look on his face was priceless. He didn't expect that one bit. He expected that he'd get to eat cake and that was it. I could see him wondering whether it was some kind of legal thing or if he could get away with bending that rule.

I did get an interesting greeting though. I get a weekly email from my grocery delivery service. This week's subject line: "Hot Meat Specials for Mothers' Day". Yeah, um, that's really thoughtful of you all, but I'm all set for that, thanks.

THIS is why I had children!

2009-04-17T19:42:00.002-05:00

Have you seen the Chuck E. Cheese's commercial with the new "25 cent fun" slogan? Well it came on and my 7yo said "I'll show you 25 cent fun". She went and got a quarter, dropped it into the swear jar, and yelled "Crap!" and beamed with joy. Moments like that make it all worth it!

LSG POSTAL NINJA!!!!!

2009-04-13T21:23:00.003-05:00

Someone in Arizona is crazy and wonderful. I was having a rather crappy day today when I decided to get the mail. In it was a plain white envelope with "LSG" as the only return address. Inside was an origami strawberry and five of those plastic fortune telling fish thingies that curl up in your hand. I really needed that silliness! Thank you LSG Postal Ninja, whoever you are! XOXOXOXO!

The Vapors

2009-04-09T19:56:00.005-05:00

I always wondered what it meant when I'd read that someone had the vapors. I noticed that it was only women, but I figured it was because they were thought of as so weak and fragile. Someone told me that it was gas, and that it would get trapped and painful because of corsets. People could die of the vapors if the corset caused gastric torsion, but I finally looked it up and found that it was more mental than physical in its symptoms.

The vapors was their way of saying PMS. How one dies of PMS, I don't know, but here's a nice picture of a lady with the vapors. I think her husband asked her why she was so cranky that day

Admiring the Architecture of New Harem Boy

2009-04-05T20:38:00.005-05:00

I have to stay up until the laundry is done, and I am too tired to have a brain, so here are some pretty pictures. Again, I messed with a couple because I'm that way. I don't know why Blogger has cut them off on the right, but they're still lovely.

#1 Auditioning for the exotic dancing portion of the harem duties.

#2 Working at his primary duty of looking pretty for Mistress. Nice touch with the eye sparkle. He gets extra dessert.

#3 Thinking that his encroachment on Wolverine's territory was totally worth it.

#4 Stunned by my beauty

#5 I'm sorry, darling, but no smoking allowed inside the house. You and Wolvie will have to go outside together.

Parenting WIN!

2009-03-17T18:41:00.003-05:00

My daughter had been using newspaper for an "arps and craps" project. When I went up to get her laundry, the newspapers were all over the place in a big mess, so I told her to collect them all and take them out of her room. Of course, this meant to put them in the newspaper bin. However, her alien brain works differently. For some reason, she got one of those green supermarket shopping bags, put all the newspapers in it, and put the whole thing in the livingroom, where one of the younger podlings dumped it all over the couch, followed by youngest podling tripping on the bag.

Of course, I yelled at her. I didn't understand why she didn't just put them in the bin, which was infinitely more simple than the option she chose. I, still shreiking, said that I hadn't told her to put them in a grocery bag in the livingroom, to which she replied, "You didn't tell me not to."

OH NO SHE DIDN'T, GIRLFRIEND! OH YES SHE DID!

I told her "Do not pull that crap with me, child!" Following her around like a crazy stalker, and still yelling, I asked if she had eaten any, because I hadn't told her not to. Did she stick any up her butt? I hadn't told her not to. Did she pack any up and send them to a needy family in Cambodia, because I hadn't told her not to! She was half laughing, half terrified. She thought I had finally lost my mind. (Little does she know that it's long gone).

That's right, kid. You cannot outsmartass me. I'm where you got your smartassery from!!! I've been a smartass many years longer than you have. It just ain't gonna happen.

My Triumphant Return!

2009-03-10T15:34:00.008-05:00

It's been a shamefully long time since I've posted here. I've been trying to learn to edit video, make screencaps, use photo editors, etc. so I will begin my return with a picspam of my newest harem boy. The last picture is for those of you who can't figure out who he is. Yes, I've altered a couple. Enjoy.

How to Broil a Steak

2009-01-22T21:37:00.003-05:00

Put the steak into a preheated oven set on broil. When the smoke detector starts screaming, it's time to flip the steak. When the oven decides that it's so hot that it must lock itself for your safety, it's time to turn it off. When the oven finally stops holding your dinner hostage, and allows you to unlock it, steak is perfectly done. You're welcome.

Have a Good Journey, My Friend

2009-01-09T11:13:00.002-05:00

You were my little brother, and now you're my ancestor. Smartass. May the road rise up to meet you, and may the wind be always at your back. I'll see you again some day at the end of my own journey. You are forever in my heart.

RIP Shaun O'Donnell 1969-2009

It's a Wonderful Life

2008-12-24T12:36:00.001-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Random Strangeness

2008-11-21T18:32:00.003-05:00

Today I ordered a pair of shoes specifically to show off my hand-knit socks. They're cute and comfy too. I have to make lots of socks now.

My kids set up a gift registry for Seymour Butts at JCPenney today. They're so special, paricularly our darling little Wednesday.

I put on my contact lenses, got into the shower, forgot about my contact lenses, and was very confused about being able to see in the shower.

For the past couple of weeks, I've had a desperate thirst for chocolate milk. I don't know why. I NEED it. I have no idea what could possibly be missing from my diet. I don't give a crap about regular milk, and regular chocolate is not such a big deal, but CHOCOLATE MILK! MUST HAVE!!!!!! Is there some kind of foundation for kids like me?

I Tried to Be Nice. Really I Did.

2008-10-29T20:32:00.002-05:00

So my mom's cousin got on my nerves. At a family reunion a couple of years ago, we all exchanged contact info so that our family could keep in touch. This resulted in her constantly spamming us, mostly with political bullshit. For a while I ignored it. Then she sent one that was extremely personally offensive, and the subject was "If you disagree, delete". In other words, I want to tell you off, but you don't get to answer me because I'm a passive-aggressive chicken shit moron.

Not once has she sent me an email asking about the kids or telling me what she's up to or what her kids or grandkids are up to. I even emailed her back once, saying so. I never got a response, just more spam. So then I told her to stop sending me political and religious emails. No response, just more spam. I put her address in my junk box, but instead of bouncing, it just goes into the junk box. Sometimes it doesn't make it there, it just goes into my inbox for some reason.

Well, I got fed up. Reason and politeness are not her thing, apparently, so I went to LOL News and Politics, found about fifteen anti-McCain/Palin/fundie pics and sent them all to her in one shot. And I'll probably keep it up until she stops or goes mad, whichever comes first. She's already a nutjob. If I'm lucky, I'll offend her and she'll never have anything to do with me again. Oh, I hope so.

I'm Hungry

2008-10-15T09:47:00.002-05:00

Last night I dreamed that I was having dinner at my favorite pizzeria, when my former comedy teacher suddenly showed up at my table and demanded that I give him ten pizza jokes immediately. Needless to say, I was surprised by the whole thing, but jumped on it right away. He said they were kinda lame and he could see them all coming and I could do better. He wanted me to rewrite them and was giving me a generous twelve hours to do so. Then I lost my cell phone in the parking lot, and for some reason, had to ride home on a goat. There was chocolate dessert pizza to make it better though. Clearly I have issues.

Now I want pizza, and feel compelled to write a page of jokes.

"The Real McCain"

2008-09-10T11:11:00.000-05:00

Rimacat

2008-09-09T12:06:00.001-05:00

Tom Cruise is a Crazy Gnome

2008-09-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

I dreamed that Tom Cruise was a crazy little gnome dude. I mean he kinda is, but in my dream it was more extreme, if you can imagine such a thing. He was kinda like Rumplestiltskin. He could guess what ingredients were in stuff. His specialty was telling people what blends/impurites were in their pot stashes. In my case, since I don't have a pot stash, he was guessing what was in my lentil soup. My vegetarian friends were over, and they were digging the soup. Tom showed up to be evil when I remembered that I hadn't used vegetable broth. He told them the soup wasn't vegetarian. He told them all the ingredients in the soup, and said I made it with beef broth. Then I told him he was an ass because I had made it with chicken broth, and how could you possibly confuse the two? He got all mad, and stamped so hard that he exploded, just like in the fairy tale. My friends were mortified over the soup. I told them to get over it.

Rima's Happy Place

2008-09-05T23:34:00.003-05:00

This summer, thanks to my husband, I found my perfect knitting spot. It's a very wooded park next to a rail trail, where he takes our kids cycling. I sit by the stream and knit. There's nobody else there during the week. I think the place likes me. I get happy vibes the second I step onto the grass and see the trees.

I started today there. I kind of shuffled out of bed and into the car, but it was worth it. I stopped to pick up breakfast at a nearby bakery. I always make offerings when I go. It's very wild, and there's a perfect tree stump, overgrown with weedy vines. It's right in the center of the clearing, which is encircled by subtle protrusions of bedrock. In case anyone wants to know, the spirits really, really like coffee. But anyway, here's part of the view from the rock upon which I sit. The frogs, toads, chipmunks, butterflies, dragonflies, and probably unseen creatures don't seem to mind or fear me.

Here is what I brought with me today. I'm making the Waving Lace socks that are on the book cover, and yep, that's the Twatweasel yarn. So far, so good. I think this place has given me my longed-for sock mojo. Do you think nymphs knit? Sylphs? Satyrs? Well, at least I know they like coffee.

I Like Cake.

2008-09-03T23:13:00.001-05:00

I'm 40, my hair is 55.

2008-08-19T21:33:00.002-05:00

I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I've had grey hairs for years, and in the recent year or two, I started getting some wrinkles, but in the past two weeks since I turned 40, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, I have age spots on my face! WTF? Yesterday I noticed that I suddenly have lots and lots of blonde highlights in the front. Then I realized that it was my hair losing its color and going from brown to white. Tons of it!

I really don't want to be one of those ladies who starts dyeing their hair when they're young enough to need it, and then look really artificial when they're old. I also don't want to be forty and white all in the front. So I compromised. If I'm going to dye it and make it look artificial, let it be obvious. Manic Panic, in Purple Haze. Whoooooo!

Inappropriate Use...

2008-08-15T20:32:00.001-05:00

...of "apostrophe's" and "quotation mark's" "hurt's" my soul, so please stop it.

Creepy Little Kid for Sale!

2008-07-25T22:00:00.001-05:00

"Mommy, how many weeks until you die? Four?"

BLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Should I Really Know This?

2008-07-25T20:33:00.003-05:00

Right now, everyone who works at my eye doctor's office is sucking back jello shots and home brew. They are all older than I am, and I think they're at the UPS guy's house. It just feels very weird to be aware of this.

It's Finally Happened.

2008-07-07T19:35:00.003-05:00

The moment some of us have been waiting for, and others have been dreading-

Bacon butter has arrived. That's right, you heard me, bacon butter. I went out to dinner last night at one of those chain restaurants, and they offered a steak topped with bacon butter. BACON BUTTER, PEOPLE!!!!! I guess it's for those healthy-eating, low-carb folks.

Who Knew?

2008-06-29T10:42:00.002-05:00

I just got back from South Dakota. Some stuff that I learned:

I need to get caffeine into my life.

It really isn't the heat, it's the humidity.

Ignorance and prejudice are not exclusive to any particular race or religion.

A diet of white bread and cheap cold cuts makes my guts do unspeakable things.

White sage sucks.

Ticks are excellent jumpers.

I'm moderately claustrophobic.

How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

2008-06-17T13:40:00.002-05:00

It took our airheaded cat less than a day to learn to use the litterbox. It took our special ed dog two days to learn to sit and stay before she'd get fed. How long does it take an intelligent, college-educated man to learn that bras get dried on low? Seventeen years and counting so far. The world may never know.

Things I Learned Today

2008-06-06T21:39:00.002-05:00

Today I learned that Swatch is still in business, and they still make cool watches like they used to, just not as many and not as cool. I also learned that they are way the hell expensive now. I ordered Sign of the Times from their unisex collection.

I learned that if your lips are chapped and you eat blueberries, you will look very ill, and it doesn't scrub off.

Dis Bitch Got Skillz Yo!

2008-06-06T19:33:00.002-05:00

After years of going babysittingless (it's a word because I say it is), I finally have a friend available. I asked her how much she wanted for it, and she said she didn't really know. Then she decided that she will babysit for cheesecake. That's right, I bake my pumpkin carmel pecan cheesecake for her to take home to her family, and she stays with my kids all night. I knew that would come in handy somehow, but I thought more along the lines of pacifying invading aliens.

SNORK!

2008-05-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

more cat pictures

Roman Night at Jackman's Table

2008-05-22T15:32:00.002-05:00

BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY SWIZZLE STICK!

Completely Blank

2008-05-20T22:38:00.003-05:00

I haven't been very good at putting words together lately. In general, I've not been in a very good state. I basically want to eat, sleep, and scream, and I pretty much do. This is not good, because I have a lot of writing that I should be doing (among other reasons why it's not good). I'm supposed to be writing some promos, some jokes and sketches, finishing my pilot script (which is just for show) and maybe a couple more episodes, and I've got an idea but I can't decide whether it should be a film or tv series. All of this and I cannot get my head together. I'm just wired so tightly. Ugh. Frustrating.

It looks like Craig picked up on my mental state and decided to let me live vicariously through him as he went on a rather spirited rant about putting pineapple on pizza. Bless him. How does he know these things? (Oh, and as an aside, apparently there's some woman who blogs and really does believe that he can read her mind and see her through the TV! Are you creeped out? I'm creeped out!)

I read in Variety that the Late Late Show just got a new showrunner. It's the old showrunner, except that he wasn't the Showrunner, just the showrunner. Apparently they said, "Our show doesn't have a Showrunner, so we should make our showrunner the Showrunner." Very clevah, Mr. Lassally, very clevah.

And the Dumbass Award Goes to...

2008-05-07T22:34:00.002-05:00

Me! That's right, me. I had a production meeting tonight. It was west coast time, so 10pm my time. I had pushed for this meeting. Everyone was really loose about it and I was like "no, there's stuff I need to know NOW, and stuff you need to know now, and stuff we need to get done before we start the shoot, and I want to get it all set as soon as possible."

Guess what I did? At the appointed time, I was sitting in my livingroom, starting my second sleeve on my Sahara, and going "I know there's something I was going to do tonight. Laundry? Dishes, definitely dishes..." I'm a total fuckwit! And yes, it's written on all my calendars.

Well, someone else had trouble logging into the video chat, so we're rescheduling. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch for that one. Dumbass.

Younger Siblings are Torture

2008-05-05T15:41:00.002-05:00

6yo: (to her sister, in almost a whisper) I've seen your destiny.
10yo: What?! What's the matter with you?! What does that even MEAN?! You're freaky!

2008-05-01T20:40:00.001-05:00

see more crazy cat pics

Profound Observation of the Day

2008-04-29T21:04:00.000-05:00

Shakira is very yodely.

Words that Don't Belong Together

2008-04-19T12:48:00.001-05:00

coven, church, Passover- and yet, that's my weekend.

Questionable Lyrics of the Day

2008-04-15T14:08:00.002-05:00

From Train in Vain by The Clash:

You said you love me, that's a fact.
Then you left me for Jungle Jack.

I'm guessing that's not right, but it could be. I like it that way anyway.

Favorite Lyrics of the Day

2008-04-10T20:48:00.002-05:00

From Queen/Bowie Under Pressure- I'm pretty sure that I'm misunderstanding the second line here:

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence like a dumbfuck

She Kills Me!

2008-04-08T21:12:00.004-05:00

For about a year, my 6yo was trying to scam us with the story that at night, she has a job in California that she gets to by tunnel when we're sleeping. She always spoke about it very seriously, keeping a straight face, and telling us about stuff she bought at the mall there, or what she ate on her lunch break. Tonight at dinner she suddenly said,

"I don't really have a job in California. Instead, I come downstairs and watch TV when everyone's sleeping. I watch Craig Ferguson. I watch a lot of inappropriate television. Mostly 'My Name is Earl'".

I look forward to her synopses.

Odd Day's Happenings

2008-03-31T21:34:00.002-05:00

Our son turned four today. I guess he's all grown up now. I asked him not to bat a balloon near the breakables on the fireplace and he said "What's the matter, do I offend?" Um, what?

My husband called me with his ass again. He must have our home number on speed dial or something, because every once in a while it happens. Then I feel like an idiot going "hello? hello?". I can hear him talking to the people at work. This time I said "hold your ears kids" and yelled as loudly as possible into the phone " HELP! LET ME OUT! I'M TRAPPED IN BRIAN'S PANTS! IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Stupid, deaf fuckers. They wrecked my moment of glory. I just hung up. My kids worship me now though.

Hey Jeebus People, What's Yer Point?

2008-03-26T13:07:00.003-05:00

You know the people who like to try to convert other people to their religion? They are so annoying and stupid. If they're trying to tell me that heaven is filled with people like them, and hell is filled with people like me, what exactly is it that they think I'd want to change?

The Mystery of Self

2008-03-19T18:00:00.002-05:00

I'm not a gemini, nor do I have any kind of disassociative disorder, but I feel so conflicted. I have a really hard time reconciling my humanitarian, compassionate half, who always feels bad for people who are hurting, wants to help, believes in human rights, live and let live, etc. with the misanthropic side of me who is subjected to daily demonstrations that people are fucking fuckwits, and the world would be far better off if humans just spontaneously combusted. That side of me also wants to smack people.

I'm FAT!

2008-03-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

Holy crap, I'm serious! I don't think I've ever been this fat. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner tonight. THREE! WHAT THE HELL? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, but I could, then. I didn't even weigh enough to give blood. Phooey.

So now I'm off to do some rond de jambe a thises and rond de jambe a thats, and various other similar thingies while Dave and Craig keep me awake and encouraged. Man, this sucks.

Rock and Roll Confusion

2008-03-16T19:52:00.001-05:00

Somebody needs to 'splain somsing. Why was Madonna inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Isn't that for Rock and Roll performers? When did she do that? Makes no sense. And yet, no Alice Cooper.

Happy Pi Day!

2008-03-14T19:39:00.002-05:00

Today is 3/14. Pi day. I had planned to bake a pie or two, and of course, teach the kids how to calculate the circumference of that pie. Unfortunately, I am somewhat challenged, and thought that tomorrow was the 14th, and made other plans for today. Well, I'm going to go ahead with it anyway because I'm stubborn. Yay stubbornness!

I'm going to make a vegan cookie pie for my allergic kid, and for the rest of us, I'm thinking chocolate chess. Maybe I'll get a can of cherry filling to go on top. I know, filling from a can! Shocking, isn't it? Well how else would I find pie cherries this time of year? Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed some good pie and math today.

If only I had known it were possible...

2008-03-12T14:04:00.001-05:00

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

It's the Little Things

2008-03-03T16:49:00.003-05:00

I am having a seriously craptacular day. It's been awful. I had one thing that really gave me a lift just now. I just found out that Igor Stravinsky wrote a piece called "Don't Throw Paper Towels in the Toilet". Totally made my day.

It Amazes Me

2008-02-20T12:34:00.002-05:00

The concept of that-doesn't-affect-me apathy confounds me. Why would a person be willing to give up his rights just because he happens to be making the same choice as the offender? It's okay for school boards to illegally harrass parents, as long as they aren't illegally harrassing public school parents? People are fine with local governments telling them "you have the right to choose the option we want you to"? That's a right? WTF? It just goes to prove once more that the vast majority of people are STOOPUD.

Are they talking about my house?

2008-02-17T13:59:00.001-05:00

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

When Worlds Collide

2008-02-16T14:05:00.001-05:00

When my son saw this picture, he just about exploded with joyous surprise. Greg and Craig, together on one stage. He couldn't believe it. Heehee.

Damn That Cheesy Goodness!

2008-02-15T10:06:00.003-05:00

I have the worst pizza burn on the roof of my mouth. I think it blistered and everything. I forgot about it until I went to drink my coffee at breakfast. Now I'm just staring at my coffee, feeling like Tantalus, except it's up to me. I can drink it if I want to be in lots of pain. Believe it or not, it's a tough choice, and it's decaf. I'm not a caffeine addict. I just love my coffee. I know, iced coffee, but it's just not the same. My soul is lost.

Sockyarny Goodness

2008-02-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

Toes on toothpicks will be forthcoming.

I Figured it Out.

2008-02-07T20:20:00.000-05:00

I know where the little man heard it now, because he was just yelling "Boom cha cha MAMBO!"

That's what I get for letting him hang around with the harem boys.

Gabba Gabba Hey!

2008-02-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

I have an almost four-year-old who is a punk rocker. He doesn't know it. When he was a baby, oh about one or so, he would sing and it would always sound angry. He'd yell the alphabet or whatever other sweet little kiddie song it was. My friend Shaun said that all he needed was a soul patch and a kilt. We already gave him the perfect name.

I recently got Rock Band. He loves The Clash and The Ramones and sings along loudly. There's only one song from each though, so I was puzzled the other day when I heard him yell from the bathroom "GABBA GABBA HEY!" (he likes to sing on the throne) I don't know where he heard that, but I don't even have it on my ipod. Is it time for a foil hat? I don't have bail money for this kid.

Something to Think About

2008-02-05T21:12:00.001-05:00

I've never seen Amy Winehouse and Andy Samberg in the same room together. I'm just sayin'.

Yet More Evidence...

2008-02-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

That there are other people like me in the world. This is a kit from a company called Subversive Cross-stitch. I could weep.

More Ravelry Love

2008-02-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

A new group has started in Ravelry. It's the "Stupid, Lazy, and Godless" group. It came to be when someone asked if we're allowed to use curse words on Ravelry. Apparently, a whole lot of people with no lives of their own passed judgement on the pottymouths, hence the name of the group. Well, I joined, and that just made my otherwise crappy day!

Of course, you know the group is made up of intelligent, hard-working, and often spiritual people. (Spiritual people are considered godless by many Christians, despite the fact that we often have more gods then they do.)

And I bought sock yarn. WTF?

This is Why Craig Rocks

2008-01-22T22:51:00.000-05:00

Because I can

2008-01-21T17:05:00.001-05:00

Really, do we ever need a reason? I think not.

For Goodness Sakes Just Stop it!

2008-01-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

Let me state it again- the singular is "curriculum". The plural is "curricula". Please spread the word so that together we can save the world. While you're at it, do mention that they can stop calling rolls "yeast rolls". Yes, rolls have yeast in them. We know that already. That's why they're rolls and not rocks. Slappity slap!

Everyone Has His Worth

2008-01-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

I've discovered what Tom Cruise's purpose is. When I think I'm an airhead, or I'm losing my mind, he's here to remind me that nope, I'm not. No way. THERE'S vapid, incoherent, batshit for you. Make no mistake about that kids. If you're ever unsure of yourself, watch this video, because this is what it looks like. Wow.
http://defamer.com/344987/the-tom-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientologists-dont-want-you-to-see

Ninja's Advice for the WGA

2008-01-12T22:33:00.000-05:00

I Just Love Silly!

2008-01-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

moar funny pictures

For I am Wise

2008-01-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

Lately we've been buying more organic foods. Of course it's because we like knowing what's in our food, and with the co-op, a lot of times it's cheaper than the regular crap in the supermarket. However, there are questions that are being asked by many people regarding organic food. Some examples:

If you wash it with soap, or tap water, is it still organic?
If it sits next to the chemical-laden food at the supermarket, is it still organic?
If it's packaged in plastic, is it still organic?
If it's traveling in the same truck with chemical-laden food, is it still organic?

I thought about this and came up with the following answer to all those questions:

Shut up, get a life, and leave me to eat my apples in peace.

(this scientific study brought to you by PMS)

What's His Obsession with Meat????

2008-01-04T22:51:00.000-05:00

3yo: Do trees make oxygen?

Me: Yes.

3yo: Is oxygen shaped like a hot dog?

Me: What? Uh, no.

FYI

2008-01-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

Methamphetamine does not contain Velveeta, nor is it used to treat gout, but that's only because Wikipedia put a lock on that page that only allows certain people to edit it. Dang.

Mike Huckabee is a Twit

2008-01-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

Please people, don't even consider electing someone this stupid to be our President. We've had enough of that, and he doesn't come with a puppeteer. Huckabee appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. This is a show that has gone back on the air without its striking writers, and is being picketed by the Writers' Guild of America.

That's right, a man who wants to be president just said "fuck you" to all the union members of America. Nice campaign move. Then he's dumb enough to say that he didn't know the strike was still going on. Um, Mike? 1) There were all those picketers. 2) If you can't bother to find that out before going on a talk show, can you deal with complicated political intelligence which might or might not balance the fate of the world? How about we not find out, okay?

Quote of the Day

2008-01-03T16:29:00.000-05:00

From my 3yo:

"I wish I were a chicken nugget. Actually, I wish I had a light saber."

A Meaty Christmas to All

2007-12-26T15:08:00.000-05:00

Last night, we drove around looking at decorative light displays. Our 3y0 son asked why we didn't have lights on our house, and my husband told him that he had wanted to put some up but he was busy and didn't get the chance. He said he'd try to do it next year. My son asked if he would use crispy bacon. "Crispy bacon?" I asked. "To decorate the house?" He answered yes in a way that suggested that I don't know anything about decorating a house. Silly me.

Holding Out Hope for the Day

2007-12-23T14:19:00.000-05:00

Happy solstice everyone. I know I'm a day late, but that's the only way I can get it to miraculously coincide with the husband's schedule. Hush, don't tell the kids. Speaking of kids, they aren't making the day easy. Not that they ever do, but I'd like it to be festive. I'm sleep-deprived, and for some reason have sore muscles here and there, as well as an impending headache, but I have a lot to do. Most of it is fun stuff, like wrapping presents and making festive food for Christmas brunch with the maternal unit, but indeed it takes work, and that requires energy.

So here I am, recharging by relaxing a little at the computer. I know, I'll read something funny. So I go over to the blog that the Late Show with David Letterman writers have up and what do I see? Not only do I see a lame joke, but it's a lame joke that I made about a year ago. At least it wasn't for pay. If I saw it on the show, I'd have to cry.

I'm holding out hope that I'll feel better at dinner time. First, I don't have to cook it. Second, it's a rare treat that my husband is bringing home. It's NY pizza from my favorite pizzeria, near where we used to live when we first got married. Sicilian pizza, even! And a small salad pizza too! Can't get that stuff here in CT, though I like living here much better than living in NY. I just hope that by then, I haven't lost my mind. It's 2:30 and I have one kid still in her pajamas. Five hours and counting.

They Just Know How to Make a Mom Feel Bad

2007-12-20T21:13:00.000-05:00

Today my 6yo said "Maybe Odin Claus will give me some cough medicine."

Golden Globes Dilemma?

2007-12-16T18:07:00.000-05:00

Given the situation with the writers' strike, there are Golden Globe nominees who are torn between promoting their work, and honoring the picket line. Now, aren't these supposed to be the creative people of the world? How are they missing the obvious solution?

Here's what I would do, especially if I were already fairly well-known. I'd show up in my evening finery, with my gorgeous gentleman, step out of the car and smile for the cameras, then turn and pull out my picket signs from the back seat, smile for the cameras again, and go join the line. There you have it. Support for the WGA and a shitload of publicity. Plus, you still get to wear a fabulous dress and go out for dinner later. So what is the problem?

It's Over! WOOHOO!

2007-11-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

Broadway is up and running again! The man's got a paycheck once more! What a relief. Now if only these guys could get it together:

Harem Boys Holiday Pageant

2007-11-28T23:28:00.000-05:00

Wolvie wasn't too happy about it, but if it pleases me, he'll do it. So here you go, my top four harem boys entertaining their mistress.
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9630927441

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT RIMA IS MISSING LATE NIGHT TELEVISION

2007-11-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

10.Laughs in her sleep while eating imaginary Doritos

9. Turns to her husband in the morning and says “Paul, do we have any tooth brushing music?”

8. Has been having hallucinations about giant rats and pigs, and can only be talked down in a Scottish accent

7. Has replaced children’s reward stickers with reward meat platters

6. Has developed lactose intolerance and restless leg syndrome

5. Wore a suit of tortilla chips for Thanksgiving

4. Has been desperately searching the internet for a “host desk” knitting pattern

3. Makes sure that her kids start each day with a hearty, vitamin-fortified monologue

2. Invites other moms over for “a cup of tea and a chat”

1. Responds to mealtime pickiness with “Just eat it! It’s carbolicious!”

"Best of Craigslist" Goodie

2007-11-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

This really had me laughing so hard I had tears coming down. It gives me hope for the future.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/465979897.html

ZOMBIES!!!!!!

2007-11-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

The Broadway People Get it

2007-11-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

Latest word on the strike is that the Weisslers plan to replace their stagehands with the cast of "Growing Pains". (come on, you know it's funny)

For the WGA

2007-11-13T14:12:00.000-05:00